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    • #78416
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      So here I am entering my second round of depression and I am frustrated but mostly desperate – as I am so very exhausted to even get properly angry- to be taken hostage by this illness again. I refused trauma therapy and as I have no pride left I called back, after going back and forth with my thoughts, to make a new appointment to get me out of this depression. I feel like this depression isn’t leaving me alone and comes back knocking on my door whenever it wants. I am going to stay on anti-depressants for ever at this stage. I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel otherwise I’ll die!

      Sorry it’s just frustration that needs letting out, frustrated that life passes me by, I want to live and be productive, work, travel, rebuild my life instead I live as a depressed old cat lady who is so lonely I can see myself getting all the cats and dogs out of the animal shelter and even monkeys if that’s allowed. My own little zoo at home.

      I feel a little better already by writing it down here, thank you for listening.

    • #78434
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hey PTH, if you want a zoo, go and get one! I would like to reply more but I’m off on the school run and onto see (and hold!), my friends baby chicks! So gotta dash! I’m sure you’ll understand!

      First thought was is this life cycle stuff? Sounds like you’ve been thinking a lot about how life didn’t turn out how you thought it would? Doesn’t have to mean its the end! Guess you just need to work out what’s next and what you’d like to do with the rest maybe xx

    • #78435
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, I’d grab therapy of youre offered it. It’s a safety net for you. Even if you just talk about your cat for the hour. Talking and getting out and keeping appointments are all positive things. I’d have therapy forever if I could just to keep me on the right track.

    • #78437
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hey, been thinking, if you were offered trauma therapy then probs the way to go. We dont just get depressed for no reason and it is probably a number of things occuring that has led you here, e.g. could be some childhood stuff, the abuse and trauma from him on top of that, and where you are now – not saying it all these things, more it can be a number of things hence why you’re struggling to work it out – so therapy is good for this. Wondering if there’s some unresolved feelings and / or trauma relating to the abuse that need to be worked through? Likely hey.

      When life is ticking along resonably well, and say for example someone experiences a bereavement, most people can manage, but if this same person then hits a marriage break up and a custody battle – it becomes complex and tangled and thus difficult to process and work out and it can feel like life is going to sink me.

      Sounds to me that you maybe need to stop for a while and untangle things maybe, then work out what needs to happen before you can move forwards.

      Anti-depressants are needed sometimes to get us through, but be mindful they also numb your feelings, which is the idea atm hey, as they help you to stop feeling desperate, however, processing how we feel is also an integral part of the healing when we feel ready and able. Perhaps if you could learn how to prevent yourself from spiralling into desperation in therapy, as this can be done, build some resiliance here, then you may be able to come off the anti-depressants and be with how you feel eventually? So you need them atm, they can and do help many hey; doesnt mean you’ll be on them forever though. As you grow and learn and give yourself more of what you need you will feel you need them less and less.

      Depression often hits when we lose our sense of purpose, feel life and our relationships are meaningless instead of meaningful, we feel lost and hopeless.

      If you talk this through and make sense of it all I’m sure you will start to feel better x

    • #78680
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Thank you for your support.
      You are both echoing the words of my social worker. 😔 he too thinks it’s a good idea to have at least an anchor to go for talking, going out, and that depression happens for a reason which should be handled.

      But I believe this can only happen when there is trust involved with the therapist. My trust issues are huge already since I know these evil abusers exist. And how could I trust any therapist now, the last one spoiled it for me a bit. She was manipulative, controlling and only after my money. She did get me out of depression though, she was a competent doctor. So I am left very confused now.

      I am going the trajectory therapy&anti-depressant again by default, it’s either that or get busy job hunting.
      I have no strength left, I feel burned out, powerless, vulnerable and confused.
      I welcome the numbing effects of anti-depressants with open arms, at least then I am able to move on if only just a tiny inch.

    • #78683

      hello there Hope life joy,

      This is my understanding…I had a similar sounds like, dip as you last year and still really working my way out of it.

      Believe it or not, I am a (detail removed by moderator)(my ex doesn’t know I took myself to university…). Finishing last year, I found myself burned out by the studying and generally had to accept that I had to live in a different way…and also accepting that being a single parent to an early teen is a big job in itself…(sounds obvious I know…)

      So round about the later half of last year, I fell (or jumped) into what some might call ‘depression’ and went off sick, was put back in the esa support group, I hope for a long time. I think I was basically exhausted by all the practical things connected with leaving, having to build everything up from scratch etc

      (detail removed by moderator). But I became sceptical of the way the system is organised, and to my mind what is offered in some areas, six weeks or twelve weeks, is not appropriate for many of us. I also became aware of as many on here have already said, that many counsellors and supervisors have no knowledge whatsoever of the dynamics of domestic abuse.

      (Detail removed by moderator)

      From the research I did (into myself and also reading about what is defined as PTSD…) I can’t remember who said it but there is the point of view for the likes of us – there is no such thing as ‘post trauma’ as some of us are still having to deal with the practical implications of leaving, and also child contact.

      I do believe there are excellent therapists out there. I had a private one I saw (detail removed by moderator) Personally I wouldn’t want to see anyone else now.

      It is very difficult when you experience a loss of faith like you have. (and I did). Some thinkers and writers and therapists understand that actually what is labelled as PTSD or complex trauma according to the DSM V – is in effect an existential crisis. That’s a bit word but what I mean is – it is something which shakes your faith in absolutely everything in your life. Like experiencing a war, but the war is in your own home. And you are amongst the injured and the casualities.

      It also affects identity. Asking yourself the questions ‘who am I?’ and ‘how do I live now?’

      I feel there are no easy answers. Quite often I don’t know about and can’t see a future for myself, but it helps to understand that is perhaps part of it. A re-adjustment to an entire world which became different because of what happened.

      I would say hope is very important in recovery. I feel this can appear in different forms. It is on this board and the work that women’s aid does. It is in a garden which is well tended. It is also in a cooked meal that you are able to make for someone you like. It is perhaps in a buddhist mantra or a prayer…

      Don’t know if this helps. I am trying to appreciate the days for what they are. Maybe what they call
      depression is in reality a time of resting, retreat, certainly recovery.

      I feel the time to go forward into the world will come for you, as I hope it will come for me. When the time is right.

      Try not to pressurise yourself too much, I would say.

      all best
      ftc
      x

      Dif

    • #78702
      fizzylem
      Participant

      HLP, I get the trust thing completely, trusting others is less important at this stage, learning to trust yourself and your own judgement is what you need to find.

      If you do decide to seek therapy again, which I would reccommend, please go to the BACP website and find a therapist in your area from the list of accredited professionals. Look for someone who has a min. of 2 yrs of working with trauma, if not more, the more the better, you could also see someone who works with domestic abuse – if this person has experience of both of these issues then even better! The approach of the therapist is not important, as it is the relationship that heals, you need a find a ‘good match’, someone you like and feel could help you, someone you gel with, someone who clearly has knowledge in these fields.

      There are questions you need to ask at an initial appointment, to establish is this person credible, do you feel she/he is responding to you and your needs, does he/she have a sound undertsanding of the issues? You could ask what professional development has he/she done over the last 5 yrs, this will show you if they have a genuine interest in the issues you are presenting with. There is information on the BACP website to help you with these questions to make sure ‘you choose the right therapist’.

      Personally, I always walk away from anyone that seems on the money, I find this is a good way to weed them out. I like to feel that the money is very small bit of it, not an issue. E.g. my therapist doesn’t charge for missed apps. Kind of helps. He has also seen me on a reduced rate when I have had little money. The money aspect should not feel like a problem, a good therapist will discuss this with you and want you feel ok with what has been agreed – otherwise it impacts on the relationship – which is never a good situation.

      I would say to see a minimum of 3 therapists, more if you feel you’re not quite sure after seeing the 3, this process will enable you to work out what and who you are looking for and feel happy with your decision.

      Yes agree with FTC, trauma occurs when our assumptions about ourselves, others and world become shattered; it feels like we are broken. For example, a lot people live with the asumption ‘it won’t happen to me’, which I guess works pretty well, until something life shattering does happen.

      Once we have worked through the trauma and find we are ready to rebuild, we build life the way we really want it to be, we also grow in resiliance as we have worked out how to get through it and what this takes. We learn to accept we are vulnerable and establish ways to manage this. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger hey. People who overcome adversity say that trauma was a gift; it led them into having more fulfilling relationships, lives, deepened their compassion, it taught them to respond to their emotions, grow in emotional intelligence, be true to the self, authentic. So you see there really is much to be found on the other side of this.

      You just got to make that start; and get going when you are ready x

    • #78704

      bacp not bad bet. better is a service specialised for women. not a lot of them about nowadays that haven’t shut down.

      Would steer clear of any @therapist who doesn’t charge for missed appointments (24 hours notice of course).

      Therapists need to earn a living just like anyone else.

      Not the same as being ‘on the money. continuing professional devevelopment alone is an expensive business.

      ftc
      x

    • #78744
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Totally disagree FTC, there is no need to charge anyone for a missed appointment when you are full, you are full when you always do the right thing by the client. This is one such time – especially if this person is on a low income or struggling finacially. No one likes to pay for something they haven’t had. As long as you are courteous of course and call to explain and it is not a regular occurance – it should be undertood that sometimes things happen and we can’t attend. The 24hrs thing is nonesense, great of course the more notice the better, but often it is on the day something happens, like illness or a car breaks down that leads to the need to reschedule.

    • #78768

      Sorry – I managed to cut my hand on a broken tile in the kitchen at the weekend and I can’t type
      properly…

      that should have read

      ‘who doesn’t charge for three missed appointmnets

      the point being as good therapists will say, yes 24 hours notice (and whatever notice is asked for) and no charge ethical, legal and reasonable, should be transparent in the contract anyway) – which is one thing to check at an initial appointment.

      However three without the correct notice as given in the contract, and the therapist and client should be having a hopefully gentle discussion about whether the client is ready to commit to therapy…

      It is certainly the case in the NHS that three missed appointments and you are take off the list. Personally I don’t necessarily agree with that policy, but understand it as NHS places for therapy and waiting times are very long in some areas as it is..

      thank goodness my finger is a bit better today.
      ftc
      x

    • #78769

      yes and of course things happen with journeys etc but
      the rest as I’ve said. Very important to check the contract.
      In the NHS there is a standard procedure which is quite strict and
      explains what happens exactly in the event of an unforeseen occurrence, and/or including
      if the therapist is not able to make the appointment.
      ftc
      x

    • #78780
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yes the NHS have this policy because they have a serious problem with missed appointments, because vast numbers of patients are unhappy with what they’ve been given so they simply don’t go back. In private practice it is very different, once a person has engaged, missed apps. are on occassion and rare, because the client wants to attend / is happy with what they are getting.

      The Key here is to choose your therapist wisely, take your time to find the right person for you, because when there is a strong therapeutic alliance the outcomes will be much greater. Time spent at the beginning doing this will pay you dividends in the long term.

      Find someone you feel you can trust HLJ, if you search you will find x

    • #78783

      Yes, Fizz.
      ‘if search you will find’…

      in the meantime, we need a variety of options..
      dont’ forget about the organisation No Panic – for those of us who find it difficult to leave the house…
      also Rethink Mental ILlness for legal and financial issues (they have caseworkers for finance and appeals/
      Also Mothers apart from their children have therapists associated with them via their website who are likely to be more familiar with domestic abuse recovery dynamics.

      keep posting,
      sometimes it feels like wading through treacle, but you are doing really well
      step by step
      even though as ladies on here say some steps are baby ones. That is ok.
      ftc
      x

    • #78784

      nhs may well have more options in your postcode area. bit of postcode lottery in some places they are better equipped it really does vary.

    • #78937
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Thank you so much Freedom to Choose, it makes perfect sense, every word of it…I noded my head slowly saying yes, yes and yes. It’s very deep and you hit the nail on the head.
      I calmed down a little bit, I feel less confused, thank you 😌

      Fizzylem and FTC, you chatty little birds 😊thank you for your extended guidance in finding a good therapist, with so many good tips, it is very helpful, if not for me than for others. It’s also very overwhelming, I’m not sure I am cut out for therapy. Or for work. What I mean is that neither has healed me. I now stopped taking anti-depressants. I haven’t received a new appointment with the therapist.

      I have done a little bit of self trauma healing using the method the therapist gave me.
      To change the past in my head, saying “it would have been nice if…” my first abuser would have been a decent nice man with whom I could have spend the rest of my life with, it would have been nice if my second abuser would have taken me into his arms and loved me and comforted me, it would have been nice if my father sided with me, it would have been nice if my therapist last year would have been non manipulative and honest so I could have continued my therapy with her.

      What I wish to do is to simply rest my head on the shoulder of a man. That he takes me in his arms and loves me. I wish love. I wish kindness. Tenderness. Cuddles. Hugs. Laughter. Humor.

    • #78939

      well done HLJ – sounds useful what was suggested…I like that…
      it seems more hopeful…

      I guess one could add …and it would be nice if at some point in the future…

      that kind of links to the Law of Attraction stuff that some on here (I think Fizz?) has been working on.

      I am trying to be grateful that ll is quiet in the house here.

      And I have managed to eat some salad so far today.

      going round the corner to vote in a minute.

      I have put in my appeal for PIP and all finished that which was a huge challenge, so that is done now.

      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #78952
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi @ftc, well done in managing what you have. The eating bit is quite hit or miss isn’t it, what I’m trying to do is make healthy choices when I am feeling hungrier. Boiled egg in a cup has been my go to, that and fruit and yogurt with cinnamon sprinkled on top. Have you looked into @BlackTriangle, they are very good at helping people with appeals. I’m looking forward to voting too 💜💚💛
      LOA has been a huge help for me. At the moment I’m being grateful for what I have and how far I’ve come. When I feel I need help with something bigger, I know it will work, it’s been proven over the past few weeks just how much it really, truly works.

      @Fizzylem
      , well done in practising it too, has it helped you as well?
      @HLJ, the advice you’ve been given sounds wonderful, I’m going to use it too, thank you for posting it. 💞
      Blessings to all
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #79021
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Yes it has been very helpful, I changed the past into a scenario of what a decent empathic human being would have done. It would have changed everything. It gave me a little bit of peace.

      I am not grateful anymore for what I have I’ve noticed…it isn’t a good attitude…I don’t know how I became such ungrateful little brat. What I know for sure is something needs to change, I am unhappy with how I live or better said don’t live atm.

      Good that you guys are eating healthy, I am going out in a bit to get myself some ingredients for a salad and loads of meat…I have been ill these past few days, not eating much else than few crackers and soup and bananas and now I’m starving.

      So how does Law of Attraction work?
      I wish a kind man who will take me into his arms and love me, where do I send my request to? ☺️

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