Secondary Domestic Abuse

[Anonymous]

I lost birth family because they were manipulated/too naive/didn’t know about domestic/emotional abuse.

I’ve started this thread because after all these years I would like to stand up for myself around this.

So anything anyone has got to say?

I have learned about ‘flying monkeys’ which is a horrible, graphic image actually from the Wizard of oz

Bascially in this thread I am just trying to start speaking out which is so difficult it has caused so much emotional harm.

Anyone?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Starting Over Again. I’m glad you are here and thank you for posting. The flying monkeys are the absolute worst. My ex has managed to convince his entire family that I’m the abuser & an unhinged violent crazy women. His relatives, including his mother, have verbally harassed me at various points since I ended the relationship. It’s been very traumatic and awful. I can relate to what you’re going through.

[Anonymous]

Thank you SMS.

I am dealing with similar years later. I’m sorry you experienced that and thinking of you.
Unfortunately it has resurfaced in dreams last night and I had spent so many years not speaking out about it. Certain birth family members of mine just carried on as if nothing had happened and they did not participate.

I have just woken up early and read your post. Thanks for being.

[Anonymous]

Just posting again because I am ploughing my way through some difficult stuff.

The situation started with a series of complex ‘set ups’ orchestrated by my ex husband.

Meaning he would create a situation and a series of situations whereby he knew that he would cause me distress i.e. make my life with a small child very difficult indeed – and do it on a day when he was absolutely certain that extended ‘family’ would be visiiting.

So they would not see the run up to the situation, and in fact the cruelty emotionally of me, they would simply see the result of his actions.

He would then provide an explanation afterwards along the lines of him being the ‘victim’ and how ‘terrible’ I was.

I never heard these explanations as he had conversations out of the house with relatives. I guess this was planned on his part. In fact I know it was as many things I found out about afterwards.

Whatever hardships there may have been since, I am so glad I am here. Still!

[SingleMomSurvivor]

These abusive men are so very good at setting up situations to get a reaction out of their victims and to make themselves look like the victim. My ex’s family believes everything that comes out of his mouth. Even if I’m sitting there calmly he can say to them “look at her she’s crazy!” and they’ll believe him. They’ve even witnessed him cursing me out & saying all types of horrible obscene things to me yet they still believe he’s this wonderful guy. The delusion runs deep. He’s also convinced them all that I’m a horrible mum even though our kids are healthy & doing great. I don’t know how his family thinks the kids got that way (healthy & doing great)… maybe they’ve convinced themselves that the kids bathe, feed, clothe & educate themselves. I’ve had to accept that these people are also abusive to me & not safe people for me to be around.

Abusers love to get reactions out of victims & set up scenarios. My ex would even abuse me & then secretly record only my reactions. He’d then show the recordings to people as “proof” that I’m crazy. I can relate to so much of what you’ve posted.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this totally especially the bits you have written about
the delusion runs deep…

…’I don’t know how the family thinks my kids got that way…i.e. feeding and clothing themselves…!

I wonder about this as well. (how someone isn’t adult enough to say ‘that turned out for the best’…or similar. Maybe there is a subconsious guilt going on as well as denial?

so many months home schooling and then top marks at school?

It doesn’t compute does it?

As far as my siblings are/were concerned there surfaced something which I can only describe as jealousy. i.e they wanted me to fail…

I didn’t.

Then one was okay with the time after I left when I was struggling more than I am now. Dysfunctional dynamic really. That they thought I was more ‘needy’ than I am. And didn’t see that a lot of where I have got to was blxxdy hard work on my part.

Nowadays I detest accepting help from people who I feel will throw it back in my face afterwards.

But I still feel sad on occasion especially around christmas and thinking about my mum’s funeral, she is quite old now…

It is a sad thing for me to feel that the siblings I grew up with and thought loved me I don’t feel safe with as you say, and we have this in the way and can’t comfort each other on such an occasion…I won’t have anyone to go with me, and I really dont’ want to sit in the same room as people I don’t feel safe with psychologically. Maybe I will change.

Like many things in my life …things come right with perseverence. At least I hope they do.

[Hazydayz]

Hello Anonymous, I have woken up again to abuse of a sort that courses through the veins. That of being related to non family. The lack of family, love, understanding and support… it’s just so painful, hurtful, soul destroying, unatural! isn’t it. It’s the real reason why my life arrived at this destination. Where I’m at. I’ve worked that out,
Thanks for your thread, it got my attention. I’ll research Flying monkeys? Take care x

[StrongLife]

I’m not sure what term flying monkeys is.

The ex is using my daughters against me. That was hard to see. He has attacked my family members physically and made marks in doors after smashing them. (Detail removed by Moderator). This has caused family members to walk away which was his intention. They are now not in speaking terms.

[Author]

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