This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #113582
     Positivemumma 
    Participant

    Hello everyone
    I’ve not been on here for a few years as after a very abusive relationship over (detail removed by moderator), which had to involve police , Women’s aid help , counselling and lots and lots of support from my my online friends and family for me to escape him
    I am married now to a lovely man and know I’m safe and loved
    My grown up children are very happy for me as they know my life is so much better now
    The reason I’m on here is we went to an outdoor event (detail removed by moderator) and I saw him in the distance and he saw me and all my old anxieties Came back, my heart was racing and I felt so vulnerable again ,I didn’t say anything to my husband as didn’t want to spoil our day out, it seemed all day we kept bumping into him ,it worried me so much, he was there with his wife and they seemed to laugh out loud when we passed. I know I should just shrug it off but what happened had so much effect on me and it everything from the past came back, after that day,we went on holiday for a week and eventually I told my husband I saw him, he said I should have told him , at the end of this week I seem to be getting more withdrawn , there’s been a couple of things my husband has said , not with any malice but I’ve took them to heart and I got upset , sometimes I feel I’m better on my own then I wouldn’t have to deal with anything that could remind me from my past life
    I’m feeling very low and am unable to talk to my husband about this , I’ve tried to rebuild my life and blocked it out
    Thank you for reading x

     

  • #113589
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi there, I think it’s Trauma rearing it’s ugly head again. There’s a good book called The Body Keeps the Score and It’s all about the trauma we retain. Good trauma therapy can help but just know that what you’re feeling is perfectly natural. You’ve really gone through another traumatic event by seeing him, now all the self doubt and feelings relating to your ex and the trauma will come back. Making you feel like you did during the abuse. It’s also obvious to me that he wanted his presence known to you. It’s a form of intimidation. I know you didn’t want to ruin the day for others but if this happens again then simple say you’re feeling really unwell, which you are, and leave. My ex waiting outside court for me he was so desperate for me to feel his presence. It’s going to take time to pull yourself out of this slump again but you’ve done it before. I do think it’s important that your new husband understands trauma and that it’s absolutely nothing to do with anything he has done. Perhaps you could read some trauma books together and see a trauma therapist? When we close down like this it’s often the very time we need someone to take over for us and help. 💕

     

  • #113602
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Sounds like you’ve not looked back, that this chance meeting has taken you back to unresolved feelings you have suppressed, now you’re reflecting and stirring these old feelings. I would say it’s time to return to counselling. There’s no one course of counselling that fixes it all, rather we learn a bit more about the self and what helps each time we have a course. I myself have around 5 different courses and if I started to feel low, anxious, stuck then I would make the call again.

    It’s maybe a good time because you have the safety of this next relationship to comfort and support you, which kind of makes it ok for you now to look at things, more robust. But it can be difficult to share with this person when confused and feel the things we do, like shame, which is often the case when there has been abuse. It can feel like a pressure, even though this pressure likely only comes from the self and not this person who only wants to love and support you. Part of healing and being in a new relationship is allowing the self to feel vulnerable with this new partner and learning this is ok, we’ve got one another, this actually only brought us closer together. We all feel lost at times in life now and again, when we’re trying to make sense of something, don’t know how to help the self, are adjusting after loss, working out what needs to happen here, the way out is leaning on those who can support us for a time until we reach the other side, talking to those folk whose opinions we value as this helps to shape our own thoughts and find a way through x

    • #113626
       Positivemumma 
      Participant

      Hello to you both, thank you so much for your advice and support , this is just what I needed from people who understand what abuse does to oneself, like you said it stirred things up again, and he was with his friends so like you said he wanted me to feel insecure again, I do not speak about what happened much to my husband as after many years of rebuilding my life again , I have found the strength to block all the anguish and fear I had suffered , I think I will look into the book you suggested and also trauma counselling, I read many books after leaving the abuse and they helped and also going to the freedom programme helped immensely too
      You both have eased some of my dark feelings today , Thank you so much xx💕

  • #113628
     KIP. 
    Participant

    💕xx

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