Seeing the positive in the negative

[Camel]

Some of you may know my story and that I’ve been happily single for a long time. I’m not off men or relationships, I’m off the drama.

So it was a shock to find myself stuck right in the thick of it a few months back. He was an (detail removed by moderator), we’d kept in touch on and off. We had a special connection. Sometimes I thought of him as the one that got away. The whole thing escalated quickly, moved fast. It went from him visiting to him moving in before he’d even arrived.

He said all the right things. He was going to make up for all his (detail removed by moderator) over the years. He was clean of the drugs, wanted a fresh start and a second chance with me.

I’d lost someone close to (detail removed by moderator) not long before. I felt rushed yet elated. Life’s too short, it’s worth a punt. I should let down the barriers. I already knew him, or thought I did.

I won’t go into the details here but it was no time at all before it started to unravel. Big lies wrapped up in little lies and questionable behaviour. Everything became about him. It was lightening fast. Too fast to process properly. I was completely off balance, either euphoric or sobbing. Never just content. I starting keeping a journal early on which shows I knew on some level that something wasn’t right. I wrote that these massive highs and lows can’t be healthy. But I also wrote that I would be happier if I stopped trying to control everything.

Anyway, he told a massive porky (detail removed by moderator). It involved life or death (detail removed by moderator), probably death. But it accidentally gave me the head space I needed to actually listen to what my gut had been screaming all along. I called him out on the lies but he kept insisting I was(detail removed by moderator). Then later that he was ‘sorry’. But he never said what exactly I’d got so wrong or what exactly what he was sorry for. I called him out (detail removed by moderator). Then told him to get out of my life permanently.

This must seem an odd tale to put in the positive moments thread. True, a sad end to a long friendship and happy ever after. Not so sad to finally realise he was never the one that got away. I was the one that got away. (Detail removed by moderator), in fact.

It took me longer than I liked to pay attention to the huge red flags. But I did notice them. I let him trample on my boundaries but I knew he was doing it. I was testing myself, seeing how much I was prepared to put up with. Not that much, as it happens. It was all over in(detail removed by moderator).

[Lisa]

Hi Camel

I just wanted to show you some support. Thanks for sharing this, well done for noticing the red flags and knowing that this behaviour is not okay. It took a lot of strength to end the relationship, and I agree that it’s positive, as you are able to reflect, learn and move forward. You deserve so much better.

Thank you for all your support on the forum, and please keep posting.

Lisa

[Grey Rock]

Wow. That sounds like real progress and healing. Well done and congratulations. Dodged the bullet by listening to your gut. Go girl!!!!

💪❤️😊

[Camel]

Thanks both for your comments. I am only human and not half as tough as I sound. So I was disappointed to be let down the one time I let my guard down. I was annoyed that he turned out to be another loser. Then I remembered I knew what he was like all along. I just forgot for a while. I took some of my own advice. It’s what he does, not what he says. It was an interesting few weeks!

[Put the kettle on]

I’m so glad you managed to recognise the situation and leave the relationship. I can relate to you not wanting to fully see the red flags and trying to rationalize them, I think a lot of us do that. Glad you’re out of it

[Anonymous]

Camel, grieving a loss is one of the worse times for predator type people to swoop in an take over, it’s happened to me twice, I wasn’t grieving properly I was in both survival mode and complete devastation, I was ready to end my 2nd relationship when my dad passed a few months in, it was my first major loss and I was unsupported by family+ vulnerable so I ended up staying, then the train wreck of it dragged out for almost a decade, I thought I loved him but I was just trauma bonded and masking serious depression, that’s why I’d advise anyone going though a loss or just come out of an abusive or any relationship to work on yourself first and go though the motions cos your guard is down and your not thinking straight and these people just know it’s just in their nature, anyway take care, hope your ok and have some kind of support❤️🧡💛

[Author]

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