22nd April 2016 at 4:44 pm #14910
Today I’ve been to visit my Mum and Dad, to see my Mum as I had the chance and wanted to see her. I prepared myself beforehand for having to endure any emotional/psychological abuse I might sense from her to my Dad, and I think it’s s big help to me and Mum to see see other.
They have no internet now, they did but had huge bills, I suspect my Dad was using it secretly for something pornographic. Mum would either not have known or closed her eyes to this or said no to the cost. She still has some say, thank goodness. A relative had put some photos on the laptop of s a recent family event and they invited me to look at them. I tried to email one to myself, which I checked with my Dad with first, just to make sure me knowing how to do something he doesn’t wasn’t going to cause a problem! Whilst I browsed for a photo, a vile description of aa pornographic photo came up. Obviously, I didn’t react show any reaction. He was sitting close by and may have been able to see. I casually closed everything down and said the photo wouldn’t email. I stayed sse while longer then set off for home.
I felt sick. I’ve thought of him as abusive for a while and in my gut I’ve known he could be sexually abusive. I’ve actually got and have had for many decades a horror of anything that reminds me of my Dad, of how he looks, his voice, anything. It’s deeper than a horror, it physically repulses me. I can’t even describe it. I’ve had some cosmetic work done, not massive, but it’s stopped me reminding myself of him when I look in the mirror. As I write this, I realise this is deep seated and it’s part of what I red to address to heal better.
My first feeling was wanting to tell someone. My brother lives nearby and if he’d been eon I would probably have said something about it to him. I’ve ranted to say to him before, don’t encourage them to get the internet, because Dad will probably look at disgusting stuff on it. We never talk about our parents, we’re not really close. I don’t even know if he’d think there’s anything wrong with it.
I just want to protect my Mum. It makes me so angry. On the drive home I thought I’m going to contact s solicitor and find out where she stands of she wants to leave him. I doubt she would, I just want to do something. I’ve even thought about getting the police on to my Dad. I’ve got some memories of things that have happened over the years, half remembered things that could be something or nothing, of things he’s done, not to me. I just felt such hate for him on the way home. I don’t care what happens to him. I want to give my mum some help /protection.
I’m not going to do anything trash, but I am going to do something.
22nd April 2016 at 4:52 pm #14911
* I mean my mum would have said no to the cost of the internet, niy the porn.
23rd April 2016 at 11:25 am #15031SerenityParticipant
Your poor mum.
Just let her know that you are there to listen and to
signpost her to help of you need it.
Maybe telling her a bit about the support you have had may empower her too?
23rd April 2016 at 11:38 am #15034MillionpiecesParticipant
You need to talk to her, may be invite her to stay with you on her own without your dad for few days. Bring the matter gently (I’m sure she is deeply hurt) and ask what she wants.
23rd April 2016 at 12:05 pm #15039mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi Eve – just wanted to show you some support.
So you have not said anything to your brother yet? Do you think he would support you? Does he go there often – do you think he will have noticed for himself how your dad treats your mam?
Is he closer to your mam or dad?
He being a man, will most likely not see anything wrong on your dad watching porn. So don’t be surprised if you get no support from him on this matter.
I know you must feel so helpless standing by and seeing what your dad does to your mam, but at he end of the day its her choice – ultimately only she can make the decision to leave him – you just need to let her know you are there for her, and will support her whatever her choice.
She does deserve some peace and safety at her time of life – and I know how much you want to protect her – all you can do is talk to her and let her know you understand, and care.
Unfortunately women of her generation – when they married they married for life – and just took whatever the men ‘dished out’ to them – we all know it no long has to be that way – but women of that age just lived with it and accepted it.
Sorry got to go now. Chat later.
23rd April 2016 at 1:16 pm #15052
Thank you ladies.
I will try to talk to her. When I visited we used to go out for a cuppa, just us two. But mostly now she doesn’t feel up to it. Occasionally he goes out when I’m there so I could talk to her then, gently as you say. I’d love for her to stay with me for a few days, but she won’t leave him on his own now, I don’t think.
Thank you, your replies are useful.
23rd April 2016 at 1:50 pm #15059AyannaParticipant
You can tell the police your Dad has pornographic material on his computer. If you want they do not reveal it comes from you. They can confiscate his computer.
The thing is, if it is not anything criminal, they will not do anything, but you can try.
What can your mum do if she knows? Will she do anything or just hurt more?
23rd April 2016 at 2:55 pm #15069
I thought that, Ayanna. I don’t know if what is on there is criminal or not. If I knew it was, and what the consequences might be I might tell the police. I don’t feel a desperate need to tell my mum what I found. I think she’s too physically feeble to do anything really and not mentally strong enough either. So it would just be hurtful for her.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.