Self-abuse after abuse

[Serenity]

The road to healing isn’t always straightforward after abuse.

Sometimes you feel exhilarated and free: then you take a step back, are triggered and the old negative feelings come flooding back. Sometimes, we feel righteous and ready to publicly out the abuser; on other days we begin to doubt ourselves and even blame ourselves for things.

Ive found it very helpful to read up on something which is defined as ‘self-abuse after abuse.’ There is lots of helpful information about this on the internet. How we can blame ourselves, allow our abuser’s voice to echo in our head even years after he has gone.

One article said that it’s sometimes easier for us to blame ourselves because it’s something in our control- we think we can change ourselves-rather than accept the terrifying truth that we weren’t in control when being abused by these people, and were very nearly destroyed in many cases. But self-blame is the thing we need to eradicate to move forward.

[Ayanna]

I became so numb when I finally broke out and the only way to feel myself is by overeating with junk food. My therapist said that I self harm that way.
I was never fat in my entire life. Since I fled the abuse I became grossly overweight and I cannot stop eating.
I think the best way forward for everyone is a profound therapy.
We have to fight hard to get therapy, because the services are not educated enough about what abuse does to women.
However, I think the only way forward is therapy.

[cupcakes]

Thank you for your post as this is how I feel..I have left but still getting abusive emails I’m still so scared of him and what his capable of…he threatened to destroy me and his trying very hard…

My main issue is I can’t make sense of it, why did he change, why does he do this to me, why does he want to hurt and destroy me so much, what goes on in his head to say the twisted things he says..why do I deserved it… I have days I think its my fault I feel I have let the children down and some days I think I should have stayed and put up with it…

I don’t cry much I just feel numb and sick to the point I can’t even eat

[Copperflame]

Well funnily enough I had a session with my DV counsellor this week where I was really beating myself for taking so long to realise that the was my former friend was treating me was emotional abuse. My counsellor said I was being very hard on myself by blaming myself for not realising and reminded me that emotional abuse can be incredibly subtle and hard to identify. Also it’s behaviour most people wouldn’t expect from a female friend. She said it sounded very much like this friend was gaslighting me.

At the moment I’m still coming to terms with what she did to me and feel the need to process what happened before I can move on, but I’m not going to beat myself up any more. Abuse is a choice. She chose to abuse me, but it was not my fault and I didn’t deserve it.

We deserve to be kind to ourselves ladies ☺

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I too feel the same Serenity. I feel i don’t deserve anything mainly.
I self sabotage by constantly telling myself other things “make up” for the abuse we receive,experience, hear, watch, feel, witness, avoid, disengage from, agonise over mentally, and so on. I shut the door closed to anything different, i keep telling myself i am resilient, strong etc, but i stay in this hell.
Even my solicitor says we can’t do anything at the moment because of x reason. So we keep going and it’s so much worse than ever. The latest outbursts prove it. Sudden, verbally abusive, shocking behaviour at harmless comments i make or opinions i voice. Bad parenting on my husband’s part etc.

I too wonder if it’s me and i get texts from him that are pure gaslighting exercises to confuse me, project the blame on me etc. In time it works wonderfully to his benefit, the voice in my head says be quiet, you are at fault and you are stupid. It works within seconds, and lasts for hours, days, months.

Yet as i watch videos about abuse, i recognise his coercive control, his gaslighting, his psychopathy, his threats, his tricks to confuse us all.

I also think about the future and tell myself i cant get free, ever, so why leave, because he is bound to carry on, and it’s so hard to free your mind from these monsters. The voice in my head says i am too stupid to find anything and anyone different so why bother…

I abuse my body by getting drowned in work, i stay awake far too late and have started putting on weight. I don’t exercise any more, sometimes i stop washing my hair, i don’t bother with nice clothes nor make up. I don’t keep up with my hobbies, i don’t read any more. And having left x times already, i can see the power he still had over me, mainly being able to pull me back each time.

So away or not, it’s the control abusers have over our minds that creates the most havoc i think, and self abuse is common among victims, we sabotage and abuse ourselves by not regaining the power to think and act for ourselves, we keep on with that negative conditioning.

It’s hard to get rid of the voice that says you are at the mercy of an abuser. We are so conditioned to react to abuse we are like addicted to it!

[teatime]

I wish I could find an article,I eat too much and tell myself off a lot saying I am a fool. No one would ever realise. Please can you direct me to an article.

[Ayanna]

Articles do not help here, teatime.
You need therapy. The hurt is too deep to be resolved by reading.
I will need lots of therapy to stop myself from over eating.
It goes back a long time and many layers have to be removed to come to the source of the problem.
Fight for therapy.

[Author]

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