7th April 2021 at 11:26 pm #124501StarmoonParticipant
So I suppose this isn’t really about abuse but I don’t know where else to post..I’ve been in a ‘new’ relationship for a while. he doesn’t show any red flags but I’m constantly on the look out.. I was single for a number of years before I met him and truly felt ready to be with someone, but being in a relationship now feels like a trigger for my anxiety.
I don’t want to end things with him, I want to make it work, but I can’t help pushing him away. I pick apart everything he does… mostly in my head but do also question him too, I wonder if he meant something different to what he’d said and worry constantly that we’l split up. I hate that I feel this way.. There was so much security in being alone and that’s why I stayed that way for such a long time.
All these feelings are actually starting to make me wonder if I was like this with my ex, or if I’m like this because of my ex… if it’s the first one, then there’s actually a possibility that he wasn’t really abusive at all- I was genuinely impossible to be with and pushed him to do the things he did.
I don’t spend all my time with my new partner, I try to make sure we’re independent of each other but we have already started making plans for a future and I’m already invested with feelings, so that really scares me.
8th April 2021 at 8:45 am #124505DarcyParticipant
Good morning beautiful Angel… Starmoon,
From reading your post I would definitely say that you still need to do a little bit more self discovery work so you know who you truly are.
The reason you are doubting this relationship is because you are doubting yourself… what is it in you that is making you feel this way?
Unless we get to know ourselves and unravel our triggers we will go on to repeat the same behaviours just in different relationships.
I am unable to tell you if this man is the right match for you, but I guarantee that if you do some self love work to strengthen your own self worth and self respect, this will in turn strengthen your belief and trust in yourself, resulting in being able to trust your own judgement on the situation.
I always like to use the saying ”If in doubt, there is no doubt” so find out what is causing you these feelings. Is it really justified in questioning the man you are with or are you really just questioning your own judgement?
I recommend you read or listen to Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life … she has some great techniques for valuing yourself and getting strong from the inside and setting boundaries.
Stand in your power my darling … you know what to do deep down… trust that feeling.
Sending you continued love and support
9th April 2021 at 10:51 am #124574LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with coming to terms with the abuse you have experienced in your past relationship. Know that it is completely normal to have confusing and conflicting emotions going into your next one; you are only looking after and protecting yourself. Many women who have experienced abuse struggle with “getting back to normal”. Sometimes the memory of what you endured and the difficulties of starting a new life can make you feel as if you are not healing. It all takes time and people around you may have to accept this. We all deal with things in different ways and this healing process can take time.
As Darcy has expressed, do trust your instincts and be kind to yourself.
The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website – http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php.
You also could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
I hope this helps. Keep posting and letting us know how you are getting on.
All the best,
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