self destruct

[Lovewithoutcause]

I’m trying so hard to move on from the past. I’m trying to build new friendships, repair broken bridges and fit in with the people around me. I don’t live in the same town as my family so I’m very isolated at times. I get so angry with myself over silly little things. For example, I wasn’t allowed to wear make up before, but now I can. But I’m terrible at doing it. I so badly want to look like the girls around me, with their perfect make up and hair. I practice styling my hair sometimes and applying make up, but if it looks bad to me or just not what I imagined, I get angry. I will often self harm as a result, as a punishment for simply being me. Then I will be on the come down and very depressed. I don’t self harm as bad as I have done in the past, but sometimes it feels like the only way to get past that anger I feel. But then I’m left depressed and self loathing. I get sick of looking at the same face in the mirror, the same hair etc. I don’t have the same skill set as other girls when it comes to make up and personal style. I want to drop a dress size so I’m back into my size 12’s but I have no will power. I do a week of working hard with healthy food and exercise, but come the weekend something usually happens which causes me to hit self destruct and I stop caring. I’ll throw my diet out the window with a take away or binge on chocolate. I hate myself for it and get back on the healthy lifestyle the next day, but the damage is done. I’m treading water and it’s pushing me closer to the edge every time.
But no one around me will ever understand why I feel the way I do. Why my self esteem is so low. Even if they know vaguely what I went through, they still will never fully understand my state of mind. Makes me feel very alone in this.

[Serenity]

Hi Love Without Cause,

I think it’s easy to self-sabotage and do things that are detrimental and even abusive to ourselves even after the abuser has gone.

I am sure it’s because in our subconscious our abuser’s criticisms and put-downs are still there: ‘You’ll never amount to anything; you’re fat; you’ll never succeed, no one else will want you’ etc…

We may not be overly aware of this, but I am sure it is what makes us self-sabotage. Our abusers tried to make us lose all self-belief, and we are still affected long after they’ve gone, if we aren’t alert to it and replace that critical voice with a voice that is more positive and compassionate. Plus we need to remind ourselves that our abuser’s put downs were because of his own jealousies and insecurities, or arrogance, fancying himself as something better than us.

Counselling helps us to challenge that critical voice inside us ( I don’t know if you’ve had any counselling) and talking about how you didn’t deserve such treatment with a supportive professional who can explain why abusers behave as they do can help you to see how you weren’t to blame and there’s no need to punish yourself. I know self-harm is said to be a release : maybe you could talk about your pain and release your emotions in a supportive environment, as with a counsellor?

Regarding over-eating, there are all kinds of eating patterns, such as comfort eating and emotional eating. What has helped me is to keep a food diary, where I write down everything I eat and keep to a certein corue interested if possible. The writing it down really seems to help and to regulate my brain/ eating patterns: apparently, the act of writing helps you to keep to a regime, but writing down what you eat and seeing it in black and white can also help you to see what your unhealthy choices are.

Promise yourself a prize or a treat if you can keep to healthy eating patterns and portion control: something like a facial or something pretty. This will help you not feel that you are denying yourself. As survivors, we need to nurture ourselves and give gifts to ourselves. It’s retraining ourselves to give healthier treats to ourselves.

A friend of mine says that whenever she feels a craving for anything unhealthy, she goes and has a lavender shower, or goes and paints her nails. It’s filling the gap with something else.

Remember to always remind yourself that what he said to you wasn’t objective truth. It was lies meant to control you, or his warped view of reality. x

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Lovewithoutcause

I agree with Serenity. Counselling has made my self esteem the best its ever been throughout my life (even after an abusive relationship). It can be expensive at between £35-£40 a session but you can pay for the sessions as and when you can afford them depending on your budget and I have seen it as an investment in myself better than any I have ever done. That time and confidentiality and empathetic ear has been literally life changing and has give me tools to work on my self esteem and develop my confidence. It also helps if you have a counsellor you gel with so if you do go down this route, take time to find one that suits you.

Something else I have tried, in the moments I am feeling good, I enjoy making myself an emergency kit for the lower times. My emergency kit includes a handbook with lists of positive things that dont cost money/ involve food (as these are my main weaknesses in low times), letters from friends and family I asked them to write me after I left (they are full of positivity, love and hope – which may be of use if your family are far away) doodles that make me feel better, positive outcomes from counselling sessions, printed memes of inspiring affirmations and photographs of me and friends in memories where I really felt like myself. I also have fairy lights, bath soak, nail polish (again as Serenity suggested), inspiring books worksheets that I found off the internet about developing self esteem.

My counsellor advised the importance of ‘self care’ and I have also found this key and when you are feeling down and as Serenity has said, taking time to treat yourself but also look after yourself. Eating as best you can / sleeping as well as you can. I found that the stronger i made my body (with sleep and good tasty meals) the more i was able to tackle developing my self confidence.

As for make up, I dont think many find it easy….I keep trying to contour my face and keep ending up looking like a chimney sweep! haha. Youtube is a marvellous thing and I’ve learnt how to do all sorts since my split from…giving my own head a relaxing massage to DIY at home. Even if it goes a bit wrong, the empowerment I feel from having a go myself has done wonders for my self confidence. How about sitting down with it and finding a look that suits you.

Also, give yourself time and accept that it may take a while to crack your self confidence and thats ok. They wear it down until it’s virtually non existent so in that way, you are basically starting from scratch. You can do it though and you will feel so much better and happier as you continue to regain it. xx

[lover of no contact]

I love the [detail removed by moderator] make-up videos on YouTube. They are easy to watch and and I find a good relaxing therapy to take my mind off the abusers/abuse etc.

[detail removed by moderator] has some simple hair videos on curling hair, pony tails and buns.

I also like [detail removed by moderator] hair videos on Youtube.

[Lovewithoutcause]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write such in-depth replies! I really appreciate it.

As it happens, I’m always the one who did the DIY – even put my own laminate flooring down by myself. I have also recently watched some make up tutorials – definitely needs practice lol

I’m planning my first holiday in over a decade, for later this year which is daunting but exciting. Not going abroad, but that doesn’t matter to me or the kids.

Next year I’d like to redecorate the house too. So I have things to do and look forward to. I just have to bust through those depressive slumps I find myself in

Xx

[Serenity]

I just wanted to say that I initially paid a fortune for private counselling- £30-40.

Then my local DV outreach service directed me to a charity/ counsellors in training and I had amazing counselling for a year, donation only required.

[Lovewithoutcause]

I think my doctor’s surgery have a charity run group, I might call and get their details. What do I have to lose at this point?! X

[Ayanna]

Hi, I can so relate to your struggle.
I gave up on the eating disorder. It is out of control and I try to accept that I am fat.
There are places where you can get free make up and help with painting your face.
They let me try the product and help me with a sample to put it on. I learned lots from them. Most of the time they give free samples too.
Do not be hard on yourself.
Look at the good changes you have made. They will become more over time.

[Beenherebefore]

You put up your own laminate flooring by yourself! You are truly awesome Lovewithoutcause, go girl! I want to be able to do stuff like that!!! (and you have inspired me to go for bigger projects now!!)

I think you’re doing amazingly with the holiday / redecorating etc and it sounds like you were having a ‘depressive slump’ as you say but I reckon you’re doing everything right 🙂

[Lovewithoutcause]

Thanks ladies! I really needed to find this forum 🙂

You should see the work I do in my gardens…I even pulled the patio up the other week, dug out all the weeds and put the patio back down! I wouldn’t have known to do this if it weren’t for my mum and sisters teaching me some gardening things last summer. I struggle to keep a basil plant alive sometimes lol

At the start of this year, I made a ‘happy jar’. Once a week I write down one positive thing from that week, or a new and happy memory I created, and put it in the jar. On new year’s Eve I will empty the jar and read each one. Nothing negative is allowed in the jar. So it doesn’t matter how hard this year feels at times, I will be able to look back on all the good and remind myself that every day is worth getting up for. Well…that’s the plan!

Xx

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