This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Walkingonsunshine 4 days, 21 hours ago.

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  • #113572
     Walkingonsunshine 
    Participant

    Hi, having a bad day today. And just wonder if anyone else does the same thing?

    I came on here months ago, I ordered books, suddenly everything made sense, I had clarity. I had been abused.

    I Constantly conflict this with:
    is it me??
    Did I have issues that I’ve pushed on to him? Or are my issues there because of him?
    Have I made it up to be worse than it is?
    Is it my fault he turned that way?
    Was my life really bad enough to end my marriage??

    I can’t stop it, it’s like half of my head each believes one side of the story. I just want to sleep to switch my brain off

    Either way, I know my marriage is over, I can’t/don’t want to go back. But if it’s me I want to know. If it’s me, how do I find out 🤷🏼‍♀️

  • #113574
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Self doubt is awful; yes I had this in the first year, processed and learnt a lot, couldn’t workout why I wanted something to work so much yet it turned to sh!t. Naturally I looked at what it was I was doing, I learnt I was a fixer, a problem solver, there’s always a solution right? No, not with someone who simply can not and will not take responsibilty for themselves; someone out for the self. I learnt that because I experienced dysfunction in childhood, I later never questioned this in my relationship; as daft as it sounds now, I never realised I had needs to, that a family can only function in a healthy way when everyones needs are met, my role was to take care of everyone else. I burned out eventually and it wasn’t until my health forced me to take a real hard look at why that I realised it was him. He was always angry and horrid, attacking, but I tolerated it because I loved him right? I learnt that relationships aren’t just about giving, they are about receiving too, took me a long time to notice I was the only one giving, that there was no real intimacy between us, I was kept in the dark with one lie after another, because I was open and honest, wanted the perfect family and happy ever after, I projected onto him that he felt the same; and he happily let me do this for a very long time, as he was very well cared for.

    If you want a way out of this, I found the best way to deal with it is to learn how to feel good about yourself, bags of self care, invest in the self, surround yourself with only those you love or who make you smile, can be supportive, and side step the rest. For a long time if I saw anyone being unkind I boycotted them, but eventually what happened I found that one day I was only surrounded by kind, loving, caring people, people I really admire.

    When we feel good about the self we feel more confident in our decisions, we understand what we feel and why, feel content being me, perhaps until you feel this the self doubt will continue to haunt x

  • #113575
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    If you can catch yourself doing this, ruminating, can acknowledge these thoughts only lead you into a spiral and self doubt, would it help to say to yourself, ‘not going there, what can I do for me today instead?’x

  • #113576
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Walkingonsunshine I’m feeling for you, Sending you love💕 Fizzylem has said exactly how it is…for me. On your worst days… maybe you too, can look back and see? Truth will set you free I hope💗allow your wounded heart, to reveal hidden truths that may lay buried deep? Breath… your journey will unlock hidden truth maybe? allow you to find your true self needs. 💞

  • #113657
     Walkingonsunshine 
    Participant

    Thank you both. I find it’s so easy to forget how bad things were, I normalised it for so long not having any previous relationships to go off.
    I have a good network of friends, one of which is a survivor, who (alongside my family) talked me into leaving and not going back, I guess theres a part of me that wants to go back to make sure I definitely got it right, make sure he won’t change so I know I’ve done the right thing. (Closure I guess) Yet at the same time I’m terrified to be around him alone. My brain wants closure but my body is already telling me the answer.

    I think as you suggested, I need to stop dwelling on the past and focus on myself, which is easier said than done when you’re still wrapped up in it all. I guess I just have too much thinking time at the moment now the kids are back at school. Thank you so much for the replies tho. Always Nice to know there’s someone listening xx

  • #113875
     Diverdi 
    Participant

    I know that feeling so well! Early days for me so not though it in any way yet. I’ve managed to get into counselling with my local women’s centre (phoned up and booked in the following week, amazing!), only one sessions but she reassured me that so many women feel the same, which helps.
    I wish there was a test, an absolute yes/no. And yet it doesn’t matter who I hear it from, women’s aid, police, ISVA, that doubt still creeps in.
    I’m hoping it will improve with time, or I’ll stop caring so much about it and move on.
    I removed myself from all the social media domestic abuse groups, as every time I read a story of severe physical violence, or extreme verbal threats it made my doubt worse. That seems to have helped a little.

    • #114314
       Walkingonsunshine 
      Participant

      Thanks for the reply, This is exactly it. I have so much reassurance from friends/books/on here that his behaviour isn’t normal, yet the longer time passes the more I doubt myself.

      I think I’m doubting myself because I don’t want it to be real. I want it all to be made up so I can go back and live happily ever after like you’re supposed to 😔

      Glad to hear the counselling has helped. I think I need to get something organised, was it done through zoom? x

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