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    • #91373
      hop
      Participant

      I’ve not considered myself for so long I don’t know how to any more. I can empathise with other people yet I can’t feel the same empathy towards myself. I didn’t realise the extent or the damage it was doing. We made a bit of headway today but I can’t accept that I matter at all. I’ve always thought if I was killed then it would be a waste of time for the police to look for a perpetrator just for me because seriously I’m nothing. I’ve been looking at the body keeps a score but I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I’m being choked and the sensations I get in my body are horrendous. The stress of not being able to feel compassion for myself is becoming unbearable. I ffel like I must deliberately be putting obstacles in my way because this is all too much. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m nothing that I have no worth at all. It’s not even like a belief it’s just how it is. I didn’t know how crippling it was until it came up but this self indifference is ruining everything. I don’t know how to turn it off

    • #91376
      Cecile
      Participant

      Oh I am so with you on that, This is what drove me to seek a counsellor a few months ago. I was paralysed emotionally, because he did such outrageous things to me in front of professionals in the health service. I saw the outrage of these staff but felt numb so I sought the opinion of a counsellor and she helped me reconnect with my feelings. Saying that the damage is profound. Slowly crawling my way out of the bottom of a dark tarry pit of abuse. Have to constantly come back to this forum to read and become sensitised again to the abuse that I have experienced. And in all that to try and respect myself. The only thing that really helps is complete no contact with the abuser.

    • #91382
      hop
      Participant

      Thanks Cecile. The damage is profound. I didn’t realise these feelings were so much a part of this. I’m mortified that I can’t just do it and thinking I matter….i feel like I have insects on me when I try and understand why I can’t accept I’m a person (I don’t even want to type it)….. Im a person, with feelings who matters….phew, why is it meaningless to me? It’s unbearable that I don’t know how to behave towards myself.

    • #91385
      KIP.
      Participant

      Everything needs to be unscrambled and put together again. Our brain needs to be re wired. It’s going to take time but you will get there in the end. Meantime just take baby steps and make little gestures to yourself. I remember feeling happy again and then getting all anxious and crying with those feelings. But slowly it all will all settle down. It makes sense when you think how we have been treated. But that’s not our reality anymore. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

    • #91387
      diymum@1
      Participant

      There’s no getting away from it domestic abuse is a form of destruction. When someone is out to destroy us, the very person we are. We get so conditioned in the end they don’t have to say or do anything we start to believe what they’re saying. We don’t see there plotting anymore and it gets engrained in us. The seed is planted. When we start over it’s like ripping ourselves out from the root. We start all over again rebuilding ourselves xx with help we can find us again. I remember being so frustrated when a good friend asked me where is your self respect? She just didn’t get it but we all know with abuse our self respect gets slowly eroded. The good news is we can build ourselves up again xx 😘

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