Set back

[Starmoon]

Hi, I’m not new here but having a big wobble. I’m no loner in the relationship and I’m not even sure it was ever abusive so I’m not sure if I should be posting here but I always appreciate everything everyone says. I feel like I’ve had a set back recently and I really need to get this off my chest.

My mental health isn’t amazing and I’ve always known I’m not the easiest person to live with, so I’d say that’s why I will never know if his behaviour was abusive or just my perspective/I pushed him to it.

In short, to convince myself and others that he was abusive, I always mention the time’s he was physical towards me even though the mental said was what I found the hardest.I feel like such a fraud when I bring it up, or like I’m trying to convince people of him being abusive even though it’s not (because I’m not sure he is?!), does that even make sense to anyone. If anyone I know told me their ex/partner has laid their hands on them no matter how minimally, I’d say it was abuse and that they should leave, But even now, after counselling and years apart- I still believe I deserved it.

he only strangled and shoved/ dragged, threw/broke a few things and spat at me, so It feels like it wasn’t really assaults… he never beat me up like the sorts of abuse you hear about or see on tele. He never called me fat or ugly and he didn’t directly tell me I couldn’t have friends. I watch coronation street and there’s a story line in that at the minute where a character reminds me so so much of my ex.. but that sort of abuse is impossible to explain or to prove.

He sees the children for a hand full of hours once a week.. and has suddenly started being reasonable and chatting to me via email about the kids. He seems like the perfect dad even though he was constantly walking out on them and making me feel uneasy about leaving them with him whilst we were together. I know he’d never hurt the children… in fact they always have a fantastic time with him.. but when we were together he had a way of making me feel terrible about leaving them with him, like it was my job and he was doing me a favour.. though he once again never outright said that, so maybe I was imagining it.

Anyway, now the kids visit once a week and they love going to see him. I obviously want them to enjoy their time with him, I never want them to be unhappy… but the fact that his relationship with his partner is really good and that he managed to have a relatively good relationship with the children makes me wonder why he wasn’t able to have that with me (not that I want it anymore) and that he’s not actually an abuser at all- because he doesn’t abuse anyone els. He even said to me many time’s that I’m the only person who’s ever pushed him to lose his temper or feel angry.

[fizzylem]

Hi SM, I’m not a man hating person because I’ve experienced abuse, and if I needed more information I would say but I don’t, I know from what you’ve said already that this was definately abuse…’he only strangled and shoved/ dragged, threw/broke a few things and spat at me’ – plus the emtional abuse which like you say, is actually much worse.

Our stories sound similar in that no one else sees it but me, my daughter does have problems though which are caused by the father daughter relationship – mainly that he is absent, critical, manipluative, mysogynistic, lies, is selfish and angry – she ‘sees’ the neg parts of him too but it is confusing for her because she loves her dad unconditionally and wants him to be the best, she can have a great time with him sometimes as well – but mostly he’s not present for her and she is expected to fit in with him – he rarely if ever does anything for her, he certainly doesnt give her anything she needs emotionally or practically. Guess he’s what most would call a lousy parent – interestingly I think he is an abusive parent, because she has had anger issues and this has hindered her development; but I know because the abuse doesn’t meet the safeguarding criteria with childrens services they’re not interested, he has to violent or sexually abusing her for this and this is the only time they see it that the child should be removed from this rleationship – she is going to need therapy down the line though; has already had 2 lots; and she has not been free to have the best childhood – by a long way. I think it helps me to be mindful of these limitations as it helps me form the bigger picture more than anything else – it kind of helps to informs my opinions, it doesnt leave with me with self doubt though.

I think this man you descibe could be covertly abusive and highly manipulative which is why you still feel self doubt even today.

I think what you’re describing above is that you find yourself trying to justify yourself when with others, you use the violent behaviour because this is the shared language we all know as being abuse, the emotional abuse is almost impossible for someone else to understand if they have never experienced it themsleves or have no working knowledge and training, because normal logic simply doesn’t apply with abuse, for a start it wasn’t a dispute which alot of people assume, they also assume that you were both equally responsible for the end, whereas in abusive relationships it ends because of his behaviour, it begins to end right from the very first time he crossed the line into abuse. I used to try and justify myself so I know what you mean, when it comes out it sounds like you’re trying to persuade others doesn’t it and it leaves you feeling wrong and not getting what it is you need in that moment. I stopped doing it; I only talk to those you get it now, the women on here, my therapist, my support worker and no one else, and this seems to give me what it is I need. Maybe try talking about anything else other than the abuse to friends – see how this feels after a few weeks; and try to stop justifying yourself to anyone.

He sounds like he was like my ex, manipulative and to this day he has never apolgised or seen anything wrong with his behaviour, you made me lose it, only you made me horrid, just like the man you describe. He’s moved on with someone else too. But I remember very well what he was like to live with so I know she will be experiencing this now too – for sure’ it feels lije trying to attach to someone not there, lonely, more and more isolating as each year passes by; verablly lashed and unable to share any part of me because I know he will only try to use what I say against me – cut me with his words. He tends to have relationships for 6ish years before they wise up and he moves onto the next. These men also learn alot from each relationship, what to say, what not to say, how better to conceal and play their game – the game of survival, somewhere t live that is cushioned, with a woman taking care of me – can be any woman they find attractive – they have no loyalities – they’re loyal only to the self. So I question this when you say you think they are happy, don’t forget, this is how they both want to be percieved in the world to others, but behind closed doors it will be similar to the relationship you had with him in many ways, he is who he is and you know him very well – this next woman is slowly learning – just like we did.

Think back to what it was like when you were living with him – and stay standing in your truth – it makes no difference what others think, only you were there and you know how dreadful it was x

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much for your reply. It definitely does feel like I’m trying to justify things. When ever I’ve spoken about things on here, everyone has always been so lovely and assured me it’s abuse. my problem is that when I’ve read about abuse I’ve rarely been able to find examples of what it was like. Whilst I was pregnant with my youngest I discovered women’s aid and went along to one session of the freedom program.. but the examples of abuse were so black and white that I ended up walking away mid session absolutely convinced that I wasn’t in an abusive relationship and that it was me who’d gotten it so wrong. That time in my life was horrible. Recently I completed the program. I found it interesting but still didn’t find anything in it that I could relate to. The only time I’ve ever seen anything similar to what I was living was whilst i watched the tv soap I mentioned about… and it’s the first time ever that for a moment I fully believed it hadn’t all been in my head. This character convinced everyone even his grown son that he’s a decent man… it’s only his partner that suffers but she believes she’s to blame and that’s exactly how I felt.

[fizzylem]

Like you said, emotional abuse is hard to describe, hard to put your fingers on because it’s subtle and cumilates over time, gentle jabs, that lead you into self doubt. There’s not as much publicised on emotional abuse although it is coming through now, it’s very specific from one person to the next as well as the manipulator exploits your own unique vulnerabilities. You read the ‘wolf in sheeps clothing’ or anything on covert abuse? These men are masters at playing with peoples perceptions, ours and others – and they are patholgical liars – need to win at all costs – hold the power and control. Or anything on n********m? Or psychopathy?

I’m not suprised you get wobbles, the violence is easy label isn’t it, but emotional abuse stays with us for years, sometimes even a lifetime if we do not free ourselves from – it’s dreadful, I think we’re in a period of only now just starting to realise the effects x

[Hetty]

I’d be very surprised if there aren’t problems in his new relationship. Remember things can look picture perfect from the outside looking in. Often these men are able to move on with other women because they are free from day to day responsibilities of their kids etc. Also different people have different tolerances. I can’t handle the way my husband treats me. I know he was he same with his ex wife from snippets his daughter has disclosed but of course he tells me he is only this way with me. He’s a liar. I think his ex probably had a higher threshold for his behaviour probably related to what I know of her childhood.
Ask yourself if you would accept this behaviour from a stranger in the street?
You know this man better than anyone else. Trust your insight and intuition. There are very clear boundaries that just should never be crossed.

[Starmoon]

Thank you everyone. My head just feels so fried right now. I have two children.. one of Them isn’t biologically his but he scores the brownie points by seeing both kids. When my first relationship ended, I was really strong.. he kept walking out on me and our small baby so I eventually told him not to come back. Then with my ex, I was subconsciously already worried that my previous partner left me because I’m not a nice person/unloveable and so he fed Into that. In the end I would beg him not to leave me and promise to change. I did try really hard to be what he wanted but I don’t think anyone should really do that.

[Hetty]

We can never be what these men want. What they want doesn’t exist. What they want is someone to pander to their every demand and totally unrealistic expectations. If we step out of line then abuse starts. Who can seriously live like this? It’s driving me insane. The slightest thing I say out of turn or perceived criticism leaves me walking on egg shells. Either I’m verbally abused or completely ignored.
You’re right. They hook us in on our vulnerabilities. Mine will use the fact I don’t have family support with my son. He’ll help me out but this is not free love and support. It gets thrown in my face. He’ll tell me he’s the only one who cares. They’ll stoop to any lows to put us down and make themselves feel better. Give with one hand and take with the other.

[Author]

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