Several years on

[Gardening]

Hi, I left my abusive relationship several years on and I have just started seeking professional help. I have felt empowered by my knowledge gained through a freedom programme and I have come to a great place in my lifw where I finally accept that I was in a domestic abusive relationship.

However, there is often still a nagging in my head where I often beat myself uo for not seeking a prosecution or, reporting to the police and I wondered. Do any other women still struggle with tblame/hate themselves for not seeking justice and or, has anybody felt this way but managed to come to accept their choice not to?
If so, what advice would you recommend?
Thank you

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Gardening

That decision is a very personal one. Seeking justice is one thing and its altogether another facing the interviews, giving evidence, going to court and managing yourself through that so that you are ok.

There are very good reasons why women do not mention abuse, other than to be free of it. It can be horrically traumatic to relive those experiences to strangers and so dififcult to face and do, so noone could blame you for not doing that. Please don’t hate yourself for this. One of the biggest parts of leaving is prioritising yourself and your own safety for once, and this is the same. Your well-being is vital and of the utmost importance, above any other considerations.

Its easy for others to say that a man should be reported for x, y & z, but from the outside it seems easy and there’s no concept of the enormous emotional and psychological task it is. Be kind to yourself and do what you can manage and don’t beat yourself up for the stuff you can’t. I’m sure you wouldn’t judge another woman for not reporting and pursuing a case, so treat yourself as kindly. x

warmest wishes

ts

[Ariadne]

Hi, Gardening

I relate very much to your post. Like you, only after years did I think to start searching for domestic abuse information and support, and thinking I “fit” in that box. I will be starting the freedom programme soon as well and I am quite excited for that.
I have also never pressed charges… I felt like that would just create more problems, and at the time the abuse got worse, it was after the relationship ended, and I thought it would be best to just let sleeping dragons lie. My biggest reason though was I did not want to ruin his life… Though once you get some perspective, you realise that maybe have an official record of that wouldn’t be a bad idea, for others to know what he is capable of, and also for him to be forced to get some help somehow.

Like Twisted Sister said, it’s totally up to you and your circumstances. And I hope you feel confident in your heart that you deserve to protect yourself and make your truth and experiences known.

Take care <3

[Rafaello15]

Hi Gardening,

Please don’t best yourself up for not reporting. From experience I can tell you would have gained nothing with our current justice system which is very poor in recognising abuse, or prosecuting. Therefore these perpetrators roam freely with no fear and carry on abusing. Although there is DA laws and new law on coercive control was added in 2015, unfortunately they are all useless, they do not take into account abuse over the long period of times, as controlling behaviour cannot have happened in last 6months etc.

Like ‘Twisted Sister’ mentioned most women only report it to free themselves, even then for many it is not possible. I have reported many times and for last (detail removed by moderator) trying to free myself of the abusive relationship but still am trapped and living with my abuser.

Best wishes & take care.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Gardening,

I went to the police once in a spur of the moment desperation for some help when my ex was mocking me and making my life difficult and I told him that’s where I was going. When I got to the police station there was nothing they could do to help me and they weren’t really interested. Apart from them follow me home to ‘prevent a breach of the peace’ when I got back they didn’t help me. After that I never involved the police again. Instead I used DA support services.

Further on, another reason I didn’t want to involve the police was because I knew that any intervention that resulted in any form of conviction would ruin his job and plans for the future, and ultimately, make him more angry with me. I didn’t want to ruin his life, I just wanted out of it so that I could get on with mine and he get on with his without me in it. It wasn’t that easy though and freeing myself from him for good was very difficult and expensive. Although I didn’t want to ruin his life he sure wanted to ruin mine. It just goes to show the different mind set between victims and abusers. Victims want out, abusers want revenge for us daring to get out.

As the years have gone on and I have lived an abuse free life I have used my experience and the knowledge I’ve learned to help others. Karma has taken care of my ex. I’ve not considered reporting him for anything historically in order to get justice for myself or to get something on record to potentially help someone else he might date. Realistically, if I had have done, I would have just raked up a whole load of trouble for myself again, a bit like poking a poisonous snake. The rationalisation I had for this was similar to that you get with First Aid training – the first thing you do before you help someone else is assess the scene and make sure it’s safe for you first. If your life is going to be in danger in any way by helping someone else then it’s recommended you don’t help them; it’s better to have one casualty than two.

I think that when we become emotionally stronger, empowered, knowledgeable etc we try and use this strength to take on our abuser thinking we are better positioned to deal with them, and sometimes, we end up putting ourselves back in to a position of vulnerability and difficulty instead. We can never reason with an abuser, or get them to see things from our point of view. In my opinion, we need to use our strength, knowledge and empowerment to keep that distance from them once we’ve been able to get it and put it to use to make our lives better.

As Twisted Sister has said though, reporting historical abuse is a very personal thing. If you have very good supporting evidence of physical assaults/injury, which includes photos, medical records, hospitalisation etc then you have a better chance of getting a conviction, but without that it is going to be a one v one allegation.

I hope that whatever decision you come to it is the right one for you and gives you some peace.

xx

[Author]

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