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Talk of sex below….
Is it normal that my husband is grumpy if he doesn’t get ‘enough’ sex? He wants to have sex everyday, twice some days and honestly, I have zero sex drive. I have always been the same, and so has he.
If we go 3/4 days without sex, he is grumpy with me. He will lay in bed in a morning ‘waiting’ for me, and then tell me it is my fault he is late for work.
He struggles to get an erection, and he says it is partly my fault, because we don’t have enough sex. If we had more sex, then his erection problems wouldn’t be so bad.
He isn’t selfish in bed, in fact, the opposite. He always wants to touch me. Sometimes I ‘fake’ it, so he will get off me sooner, and he tries to make me let him do it again, and again.
He says he needs sex, it is how he feel loved, and how he feels connected.
If I tell him I am tired from being at work all day, he will tell me that sex is ‘my real job’
He says ‘all you have to do is open your legs’
I feel so ashamed and repulsed. Repulsed by myself.
If he gets sex, he is happy, and relaxed.
I am confused, and I don’t know what is normal.
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@Tkkbub please don’t feel ashamed, I get how confusing our lives can be though. Iam only just realising that sex can be used to control you.
He has erectile disfunction too, I used to always be the one that would initiate sex and then when it didn’t happen I’d be told I was putting too much pressure on him. I asked him to go to the GP to speak to someone, get some help given the fact that he was so young. I wanted us to have a health relationship. At the beginning of our relationship he could keep his hands off me, would be holding my hand, giving me cuddles etc all the time, even in front of his parents. I don’t really know when that side of things stopped but I know about the sex! We’ve been married a lot of years have (detail removed by moderator) children and I’ve probably not had sex since my youngest was about (detail removed by moderator) which is a lot of years.
He went to the GP, got the pills, had a a little bit of counselling discovered that he possibly needed circumcised but there were other options before that. He never followed the advise, again told me I was putting too much pressure on him. It’s carried on like that since, but we’ve still not had sex, I’m still blamed or I’m blamed because I don’t instigate sex anymore. He doesn’t look at me or make me feel attractive. I can walk past him naked and he doesn’t look at me. However last year he had an online fling, I found out, read the messages and the things he was was telling this person is things he’s never said to me.
It’s confusing, I did blame myself for his erectile disfunction, after having two kids through the channel they’re supposed to come out of, were things different? Obviously my body has changed, although I’m slim I’ve got stretch marks and loose skin, did I put him off, is there no sensation when we’re having sex. I started believing that I’m not sexually attractive to him or anyone. He’s been prescribed pills to help with his dysfunction but asked me to get them from the chemist. One packet lasted years, I then started refusing to go get them, he was too embarrassed to go.
We went on a weekend away through his work (detail removed by moderator), he said he’d got a new prescription like that was supposed to be a turn on. I was actually repulsed. I faked it.
I think he thinks I’m his property, he thinks its OK to grab my boobs when I’m sitting on the toilet or grabs my bum if I’m in the kitchen – I hate it. I told him to stop doing it the other week, it caused him to go in a huff but I feel better for it.
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Mine is the same, the problem is they think they’re entitled to it. My oh calls me frigid, boring, says I don’t do the things he wants to do, which is like something out of a porn movie. If I don’t have it I’m accused of sleeping with someone else, which is always a constant accusation even though I don’t go out. Regardless of how he treats me ( not very nicely at all) I’m expected to just “open my legs” as he so puts it too. It’s just demeaning.
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Hi Tkkbub
My ex was very similar so I haven’t had the benefit of what I would perceive as a “normal” sex life. I do think that the frequency of his need for sex seems very odd though. As for the erectile dysfunction – a doctor would be better placed to diagnose the problem than your partner. I have just done a quick search on the NHS site and it says it can be due to stress, tiredness, anxiety or drinking too much alcohol. Perhaps tiredness? I can’t help but think – rather sarcastically – that he’s overusing it!
I discovered, eventually, that it is not normal to use bad moods, pestering and emotional manipulation (“I feel rejected”) to coerce you into sex, even if he is your long term partner. Sex should be mutually desired. If you’re constantly having to lie back and think of England, then it’s not surprising you have no sex drive. If you’ve just eaten a massive meal, your not going to feel hungry for a while – sex is the same. But it’s more than that. When you are constantly coerced into something you don’t want, you start to make negative links in your mind. This is something unpleasant. Who would ever fancy doing something that has become unpleasant?
Finding ways to manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want to do is not OK. It is abuse.
When I finally understood that, I remember asking a friend “What do normal men do when you don’t want sex?” She said “They go to sleep.” They definitely don’t try to force you into it.
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I’d say he’s using the ‘erectile distinction’ as an excuse so you feel you have to give him more sex. My Oh used to do the same (not the same excuse, but he used to gilt trip me into having sex by saying he was stressed and it Would help him sleep, if I suggested him doing it himself it ‘wasn’t the same’) and I’d get blamed for his bad nights sleep if I didn’t help him out.
But he was never as demanding as 2 x a day every dayMine also used that line ‘we need to have sex to connect’ ‘I want to feel connected to you’ the thing is it did the complete opposite! I never felt a ‘connection’ I just laid there wishing it would be Over soon.
He never told me sex was my real job but he used to say ‘you’re my stress relief’ and yes he’d be grumpy and moody/throw a tantrum if he didn’t get it, and also if I declined I knew he’d just ask again the next night or the next night until I finally gave in
I, like you didn’t realise it wasn’t normal for a long time. I knew women joked about having to have sex with their husbands so thought everyone felt the same and I just got on with it.
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It’s quite scary how alike they all are. Mine is the same, I have told him I need space quite clearly telling him sex is off the agenda. He keeps telling me it’s how he feels loved, sex is very important to make him feel like I care. It doesn’t matter how I feel. Feeling degraded so much was what finally had me saying I had enough.
He has told me in the past sex is boring with me, I must be getting it elsewhere and so on. -
Hi Tkkbub, I would suggest reading a book call the Five Love languages, this may explain his want tor your attention in the bedroom especially if he is very giving in that sense too. It helped me a lot to understand how peoples want’s and needs are very different.
It is a book written by a couples counsellor and it is really good and helpful.
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Hi Tkkbub,
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.
I just wanted to jump in here to reassure you that it is not normal for your partner to hassle you for sex. Sexual intimacy needs to be consensual every time, and consent does not mean pressuring someone until they give in.
It is completely normal to not feel an urge to be intimate with a partner who does not treat you with respect, is abusive towards you, and your needs are not being met in the relationship. You have a right to say no, and it is not okay for someone to sulk or give ultimatums so that you feel there is no other option.
It sounds like he is objectifying of you and has no consideration of your boundaries. You should not be having to relentless justify not wanting to be intimate, you are not his property.
Take care and keep posting.
Lisa -
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I went through that too.
It is sexual coercion. That is not love. It is a violation of your boundaries, and is not consensual as he makes you feel obligated or even threatened by his behaviour.
And it made me want to rip my skin off sometimes!
The Five Love Languages is a good book, and probably only applicable when you aren’t dealing with an abusive partner.
I know it’s confusing because he says it’s how he feels loved and wants to see you orgasm too.
But how it makes you feel is not your fault, and has everything to do with how he is violating you.
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