Sex in marriage

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hi all, hope you’re ok.

I need some thoughts please on sex in relationship.
I’ve told my husband that I need to take a break from sex due to him being rather mean to me lately. I’ve said it’s not (detail removed by moderator). Which he says he will be, doesn’t want me doing something that I’m uncomfortable doing but also that this makes him feel rejected. And he says that sex (detail removed by moderator).
He’s confused given that recently he feels we had a good sex life (although truthfully I’ve felt obligated to do it and am only now saying no because I’ve only just realised it’s my body and I can do what I like with it. Madness.)

What if I’m denying us the chance to be closer by refusing sexual intimacy? I would need him to be more vulnerable (which is out of reach for him) – currently I feel a huge emotional chasm between us and because I’ve not been entirely honest with him and myself about what I need in order to be intimate in the past (that is, emotional support, vulnerability), I feel that ship has now sailed. After a long relationship I’d now be introducing a new facet and I feel like it would be a massive betrayal – that’s I’d always felt it, but never been open about it.

Where do I go from here?

[minimeerkat]

its probably better to let the many other women on this forum respond to your post, as i know they are/have experienced big problems involving intimacy. but wanted to at least say what stood out for me: and that is that it worked – his comments have made you doubt yourself

you gave a perfectly good reason & were very sensitive when telling him how you felt & why.  but his comments appear to be about his wants & needs.  when he says (detail removed by moderator) i could only think of it being used as a way to smooth things over.  and when he also says have more intimacy, well what about emotional intimacy – because there has to be this before you can be prepared to be vulnerable having sex with someone.

do you feel your partner respects you & your feelings or do you feel there is pressure now to ignore what you think & feel & do something your partner actually wants

maybe its me & hopefully the other women will help you with this but i just cant help feeling that your partner is trying to manipulate you x

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you Minimeerkat. Ultimately yes I think you’re right: he is trying to manipulate me. And it’s possibly working – I’m just really glad I get to come here and get a sense check.
It appears that he can only go so long feeling rejected by me before he calls it a day on our marriage – and that would be my fault. And then, according to him, everything would fall apart, the kids would be impacted and I would be to blame! Of course I could argue the same, but he won’t hear of it because he thinks everything was fine until recently and this is just a phase I’m going through. Given my lack of communication on the subject I could hardly blame him for thinking that.

So much water under the bridge now.. I’ve made my bed so I either lie in it or get well clear of it!
For the sake of the kids, the holidays, upcoming family holidays and finance I feel compelled to make it work. But I feel doubtful that he is able to take on what I need and that he’s even willing to do the work himself, if he could accept that maybe there’s work to do on the relationship and not just on me.

[Sad and alone]

I have been told for a long long time that I always rejected him with regards to sex. He says this is why he never tried anything with me. By saying this it meant that I never felt like I could say no. This isn’t right. I never felt like I rejected him at all, although I admit there has always been an imbalance in sex drives.

I was told that sex is important in a relationship and brings you closer together. I tried (detail removed by Moderator) to ensure we were intimate at least (detail removed by Moderator) in an attempt to build or maintain a better relationship. I thought this would make him happier and it seemed to work for a while, but then it didn’t and we slipped back into the same scenarios.

He will make comments about sex, or say how I’m not interested in him and I try and explain that I don’t feel like doing something like that with someone who says mean things to me etc. I think he has said he gets that but it doesn’t stop him making comments.

It’s also weird as I think if we’re not doing that, but also we’re not splitting up, what are we doing?

[DesperateHousewife101]

Exactly, it’s so hard isn’t it. That’s why I’ve taken the hard line and am just saying a blanket no now. Then I don’t have to make excuses, get the guilt trip, etc.

As for what happens next maybe it will become clear but I need to uphold some kind of boundary because I don’t hold a whole lot of leverage.

[Stayingsane]

Hi ladies my first time here, iv been in a very similar situation, been married for (detail removed by Moderator) years, I have been seeing a therapist for a while now , and with her help I am coming to terms with the fact that iv been living with an abusive husband for years.
She recommended a book called, When love hurts, I would recommend every woman to read this book!
One of the important things I learned from this book, is if any woman is in a sexual relationship, the only question she has to ask herself is , is it safe to say no , and if it’s not, then she’s probably in an unhealthy relationship.
Reading this book put everything into perspective for me .
I hope it does the same you Desperatehousewife 101 . Stay safe and strong everyone.

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thanks @stayingsane for that recommendation. I will check it out.
One of the hardest things in navigating abusive relationships is to understand what safe actually means. I would have said I was safe until recently, because there’s no violence, no obvious aggression. But I’ve started to learn that it’s more nuanced than that, and that safe can mean the same as peace and acceptance, which is a hard thing to maintain in a marriage when other types of abuse are present.

[hellokitty]

Yes your body your choice. I’ve learnt this the hard way. How could you possibly want sex when he’s been mean? I wonder if manipulative people misinterpret it as a “manipulative tactic” and be outraged by it when in fact it’s just a genuine ask for an emotional bonding and respect. You owe sex to absolutely nobody even if someone wants to convince you do. I believe I read it on one of Lundry Bancroft’s book that it’s common tactic for an abusive man to demand sex after an argument etc and make it feel like the relationship is all ok, when in fact it’s just a cover up and it doesn’t help with emotional bonding. This topic resonates with me so much and boils my blood! I hope you are ok sending you hugs xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thanks @hellokitty for your input. My husband doesn’t necessarily want sex after he’s been mean or to make up for an argument, he just wants it generally as a regular thing in our relationship. But after so long giving in to him because it’s just easier than having to constantly justify myself and deal with the repercussions, I’m finding I just don’t have the will to be intimate with him (even emotionally) regardless of how kind he might be. Which then of course makes me wonder time to time if I’m out of order.
I know physical intimacy it’s important to him. He believes me to be quite a cold person because we’re different in that area. Another point to mention is that after we have sex there is never any afterglow affection so it really is just the sex, not the intimacy I believe he wants, even though he won’t admit that.

I’ve spoken to girlfriends about it most of whom will say they’ve had the opposite- they’ve wanted sexual intimacy but have been rejected by their men – which I find interesting and also wonder if there’s something wrong with me not wanting that intimacy!

I appreciate what you said about manipulative tactics. He hasn’t accused me of that and I jumped ahead to tell him it wasn’t a punishment but just something I needed now.
But he hasn’t fully accepted it because every few nights he tries it on after we’re asleep. And I want to address it with him and ask him to stop (again) but truthfully I’m worried that he’ll throw it in my face and ask me when I’ll be ready to “open up shop” (not that he’d necessarily put it that way).

[minimeerkat]

just wanted to try & reassure you if i could.  many women who have been covertly abused end up not wanting to be intimate with their partners.  sadly they do not understand why at the time so it is extremely easy for them to feel that something must be ‘wrong’ with them.  it is also an opportunity for their partners to reinforce this, so women can then start trying anything & everything to try & fix this ‘problem’ they think they have

the truth is that their bodies knew & felt that they werent ‘safe’ because once out of these abusive relationships their desire for intimacy returned.  there was never anything wrong with them

dont know if this helps at all.  thinking of you x

 

[nbumblebee]

I hate sex with my husband. He has and always does use ut as a bargaining tool. If the kids needed anything did wrong etc id have sex with him so he would be nice. He even used to put money on my bedside table after sex like i was a prostitute. So i totally understand why you say no. I iften fake a period so i can get out of sex I hate it.  I never feel loved we never kiss or cuddle its sex or nothing.

He gets nasty when i say no or stroppy it isnt pleasant.

Dont feel bad for wanting to protect yourself its ok to not want sex how could you when he does or says what he does. Its so hard trying to work out a way through all this so by putting in this boundry you are helping yourself through it dont feel bad for that feel proud of yourself that you are brave enough and actually respect yourself enough to do this. I often just lie and get him get on with it as im too tired of fighting him.

Stick to your boundries trust your gut you will be glad you did in the future sweetie xxxx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you @minimeerkat and @nbumblebee for your support.

Nbumblebee I’m sorry you’re in a position where it’s a bargaining tool but unfortunately I also understand it all to well. I’ll ask my husband for something and he’ll say “it’ll cost you”. Haven’t had money on the nightstand though. That’s low.

Had a showdown with my husband (detail removed by moderator)

And he was ready to end the marriage, now didn’t want to have sex with me.

We talked for a long time. It now looks as though he’s prepared to do therapy even though he thinks it’s a waste of money, because he loves me and he’s doing it for me. I argued it’s not for me, it’s for us.

Apparently all he needs is to feel like he’s receiving love and affection (which doesn’t sound like a big ask but I don’t believe his wants are as simple as that), (detail removed by moderator) But I can’t fulfil that need in the current climate.

That I call it sex he has an issue with. I think it might be a tactic he’s using, because it confirms to him that I’m cold by not adding meaning to it. But that hasn’t changed in the whole time we’ve been together. I don’t particularly like l holding hands and I made that clear when we first met. Surely it’s on him too if he chose someone who already exhibited certain behaviours.

(detail removed by moderator) Is he trying to make me feel insecure about my age, my body?

I’m listening to a podcast by Esther Perel in conversation with a woman who believes she’s being gaslit in her relationship. And it’s really helping because I’m wondering how I’ve ended up here, am doubting myself, wondering if I’m as much to blame as he is. Or more so.

Thank you for reading. I’m feeling all over the place. I think I know deep down what’s right but feel thrown off kilter by everything he said.

I am sure a therapist will help me find clarity and put my doubts to rest but in the meantime I’m just trying to find my bearings.

Thank you as ever for the support I get in here xx

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