Sexual Assault

[maddog]

About (detail removed by Moderator) ago I made a police video statement. Since then things have been reeling about in my head. I cannot count the times my husband prodded and poked me with his erect penis, or the times I woke up to find his hand between my legs fiddling with my genitals, or the times he picked up a bit of me to place on a bit of him for his satisfaction, or the times I was stuck lying next to him while he held a bit of me in one hand and w****d with the other.
The police officer asked if he penetrated my vagina with his fingers. I imagined that meant an actual thrusting action, a deliberate entrance. My vagina was definitely involved but not in a deep way.
He always told me this behaviour was his way of showing affection. It was the cause of so many rows. Of course I was in the wrong.

The final time I woke up to find his fingers fiddling with my vagina, and he had been rubbing his erection against my back, I was furious and told him how awful I felt with this groping. He got very angry (which is why I put up with it and really didn’t know what to do), told me I was his wife (well, yes…), that he was showing me affection, and he would never touch me again. Ever.

I have still not heard from the police. I fear they will file it under general as I had normalised my husband’s behaviour so much. It’s all just spinning about in my head and the horror and disgust is unfolding. Yuck yuck yuck.

His sexual behaviour has always been like this, right since the beginning. I thought it would change. I didn’t think it was for real, so I went along with it.

I also slept naked with him. He said he preferred it, so again I went along. A long time ago, my eating was a mess, and I have never enjoyed the feeling of my knees together, so have always worn night clothes. I know it is irrational, as is my fear of weighing scales. Now we are in separate bedrooms, I am back in my pyjamas.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Maddog,

I am sorry to hear you went through this, I could relate to your post in several ways. I have constant memories of what my ex did going round my head every day too. I believe it is a symptom of PTSD. It sounds like your husband has been sexually assaulting you all this time, but like in many abusive relationships (mine included), due to his anger, justifications, minimisations, gaslighting and denial, you didn’t know. You only realise at the end and then feel horror, disbelief, disgust, fear and overwhelm as it all sinks in and trauma sets in.

Are you still with him or have you managed to escape?

You have done the right thing in telling the police what happened. I am sure they have added it to the file and it will be used as evidence. Could you give them a call to see if there has been any outcome? The others have more experience with this so best check with them or the helpline but if it was me I’d want to know what the police are doing and any outcomes of investigations etc. When I reported my ex I was informed of the action they took straight away which put my mind at rest.

Have you lined up any counselling? I think it would help you to get out what he did to you, I started counselling recently and it is an important outlet. When you look for counselling, look for abuse specialist services that understand domestic abuse, sexual assault and trauma. There is also a helpline for rape/assault I believe so give them a try too. I am sorry you experienced such horrible things with him, it is truly awful and I hope that he faces the consequences. Keep looking after yourself and posting for support. xx

[maddog]

Thank you for your lovely response, SunshineRainflower. It all started because my husband had me arrested for ‘punching’ him and after my ahem cosy night in a cell, I was advised by the police officers, the solicitor and the mental health nurse to make a statement. I started to do that and then they suggested that it would be better to make a video statement which took forever to arrange. That was about (detail removed by Moderator) ago. I spoke to my IDVA today and we had hoped the officer in charge would have been in touch today, but since there are only about 2 police officers in the county, I didn’t hear from him.

My husband and I went through so much marriage guidance and therapy together. I guess it really worked only to mask what was actually going on. My husband has always been prone to mega-sulks, passive aggression, blaming, criticising, and using the excuse of self-defence against any, and really I mean any, perceived criticism, perceived being the operative word. He is prone to rage. One counsellor blamed me for being angry that he wasn’t addressing his rages.

The whole sex thing has always been brushed under the carpet and there were so many things in the statements I have made that I have missed. When you are told that you are being shown affection, and what they are doing is right, and no way could I be right, I guess I sort of started to believe it. Now that belief is unravelling and really it’s horrible.

I am going to be doing the Freedom Programme and will sort out someone to talk to. I have very little trust in so many counsellors. My husband has been to see one. I put it on a par with his use of prostitutes(with his former wife). A woman he pays for to massage his ego and make him feel better.

The last person we saw together knew about the verbal abuse and knew that I had been to the police. She still insisted on seeing us together.

[mayflower]

oh Maddog
feel for you so very much as what I read is so very very similar to my experiences over decades

re. the officer’s question – any amount of ‘going in’ counts as ptrn (sorry but hate that word)

our hub used me in so much the same way
he also wanted me to sleep naked but I could not do that but would repeatedly wake up with no trousers on or all buttons undone
he always said I was doing it – yet it doesn’t happen now I sleep alone

I finally had to sleep in tops with no buttons so they couldn’t be undone

oh this is so triggering reading and writing about it all
its strange how we see it as abusive in your post yet struggle with the same in our own
but it is important that you know you are not alone in this

I have read a lot about ‘definitions’ in law as the WA people always said he was rping me but he wasn’t using ‘IT’
in the UK, ptrn with anything else is called ‘assault by ptrn’ and is equivalent to rp
in the US and the World Health Org. it is classed as rp

so of course the police will take you seriously

the problem is always ‘evidence’

for me – sometimes it was just ‘a bit’ and others he would use his hand as if he was using ‘IT’

I am so sorry I cant write all words

I don’t have anything helpful really to say but wanted to reach out because I need you to know you are not alone
and I NEED TO KNOW THAT TOO!!!! (not shouting)

xx

ed. in our early years together I asked him to go to Relate with me
but he said he would, but that I wouldn’t like what he had to say about me, and that they would take his side about the sx
I believed him because I didn’t know anything else
– we never went

[SunshineRainflower]

Marriage counselling never works when you go with the abuser because they always manipulate and lie to the counsellor, and the counsellor is trained to get both parties to take responsibility, assuming it is a healthy couple. It would be different if you saw a domestic abuse specialist counsellor, they would listen and understand and wouldn’t blame you because they understand the dynamics of abuse. If joint counselling is offered, simply refuse it and continue to seek solo counselling just for you with a good counsellor. I tried two counsellors earlier this year and knew instantly it wouldn’t work with them, I just didn’t feel comfortable opening up to them so I thanked them and continued to look. I recently found a counsellor I like and knew instantly I felt comfortable with her. It’s definitely worth getting the right counsellor who understands, it makes all the difference.

[maddog]

Oh Mayflower, it really strikes a chord when you say you didn’t know anything else. My childhood was a total mess. I developed severe eating problems and psychotic depression. Because of this I had a huge amount of help from psychiatrists, clinical psychologists and the whole mental health team for over 15 years. By the time I met my husband I thought I had it sorted. No more gloom and no more eating problem.

My husband said he’d never do anything sexually to hurt me, so I believed him, even when I felt uncomfortable, which frankly was much of the time. I had no idea.There is no-one to tell you when you are an adult what you should and shouldn’t be doing, and what is ok and what isn’t. I thought I knew what rape was. I thought I knew what coercion was.

Years and years ago I was coerced into having sex with a man so I could work on a project and he threatened me by saying I couldn’t use equipment if I didn’t do what he wanted. That was when I was having a breakdown anyway and it took a long time to recover from.

This time, my mental health has been much more stable, and it is a different kind of horror unfolding.

There is still so much under the carpet to be cleaned out. As I have said so often, I have no idea what the police are or are not doing. I have thought and looked at the CC law, and never really considered that he was sexually assaulting me. It has not been something that the police have mentioned to me.

[maddog]

I think part of the problem is that people online have told me that my husband has been sexually assaulting me. Online conversations are very different to real life things, and in RL I have never had conversations with my friends about sexual assault, so in some ways it doesn’t seem real. In fact at the moment it is still not real. I have been kept in limbo by the police. I know they’re stretched like an old elastic band about to snap and it must be incredibly frustrating for them. It’s horrible in limbo land as well.

When the officer asked me about penetration, I said yes, and I wondered about that afterwards because I imagined full penetration. But yes, he had gone through the doors.

[mayflower]

maddog – its so alike
and I used to joke occasionally with friends about how he wouldn’t leave me alone at night
but didn’t go into details

the day I left (or rather the day it ended) I had to ring my friend and tell her, because I needed somewhere for the police to come to

she was in tears on the phone – she said she knew, or she had suspected such and wished she had said something, although she always thought we (him and me) were as bad as eachother towards eachother
but not the sx stuff
she cried, I cried, and it was the first time a friend in rl knew what had actually been happening

my contact with mh services has all been since being with him and leaving him
although I was a mess before that but once again always believed everything was my fault
still do

[maddog]

Just back from appt with WA. I left things I should have had behind. This morning I woke up hungry, unable to eat, and shaking. What the hell is going on? I took a beta blocker but it didn’t do much, so took some valium as well. It is horrible to be hungry, unable to eat and so shaky. My clothes are now falling off me which I don’t like at all. I don’t think being a thin middle aged woman is a good look and would prefer to be my normal size. I have managed to chew through a croissant. It took ages.
We spoke about counselling, which I think would be helpful to start clearing out all that filth from under the carpet. Decades of it. All slowly beginning to surface. Bleugh.
I don’t think this is my fault, as I cannot control what my husband does and says.

Still nothing from the police. I have been thinking for a long time that CC isn’t much of a crime, and is only dealt with by the laws already in place, so I have anticipated being filed under general. It is all making me feel quite ill.

[iwillbeok]

Hi, this post has been really playing on my mind, especially as I’m looking at filing a CICA claim. I had in the forefront of my mind the escalated, daily sexual abuse that resulted in my calling the police.

However, on reading about your experiences here it is dawning on me that this abuse has been going on for a very long time. When we first met we had a healthy sexlife, we were young and had the hormones that went along with that time of life! I know think this was part of the love-bombing. A very short time (i was shocked hpw short when i calculated on my mental timeline!) into our marriage he initiated (and I went along with) a threesome relationship with a friend of mine that lasted quite some time.

When trying to concieve our children my husband ‘joked’ that this meant he could have sex where my pleasure was not particularly important. It became very biological.

Our sex life became almost non-existant after 2nd child. I put it down to my lack of libido due to sleepless nights, looking after children and the home plus working part time. I put it down to his lack of libido due to work stress and poor self image (he had put on a lot of weight to point of being morbidly obese (which btw was anybody elses fault but his own!)).

Anyway, sex was reduced to him asking for favours (not reciprocal); usually at the most ridiculous of times – about to cook, getting kids dressed for bed etc. On my refusal i wpuld either be accused of having an affair or there would be a guilt trip of why would i want to close to fat ugly slob like him. So when he asked at reasonable times i felt almost obliged to as i had no so many time already.

The thing that has hit me from reading this post though is the being ‘fiddled’ with in my sleep. Sometimes i would bat his hands away, sometimes we’d end up having sex and others he would get me aroused and then roll over and go back to sleep. He would ‘joke’ that I had ‘attacked’ him and the first he knew of it was waking up having sex.

He would randomly grope me and if i told him offhe would say that if he couldnt grope his wife who could he grope? He would randomly kiss me passionately over which i would just about swoon as starved for physical affection as i was. There were no intimate gestures (hand holds, cheek strokes, hugs) for the longest time. And terms of endearment were delivered drippingwith sarcasm.

Sorry for long post if youve read this far. The abovei can see as the facts but the feelings aren’t there – its like I’m numb. I guess coz i numbed out the feelings at the time…

I dont know whether to include all this in the CICA claim as it’s not in the police report – at least not as far as i can remember.

Im so confused all over again that he treated me this was on purpose. Thats what hurts the most. That he always saw me as a means to his ends.

Thanks for listening…

Iwillbeok (eventually) x

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