This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  maddog 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #103580
     Alittlelost 
    Participant

    I feel the lines are feeling really blurred on giving sexual consent. If u dont iniate sex in any kind of way and u suddenly find a person doing it to you and u dont really want it but dont say no or pyhiscally stop it is it rape?

    Does it depend on the reasons why u dont feel ok to stop it or say no? Cos there could just be more then being scared of how they may react. Maybe uve been abused as a child its engrained in u not to stop it. Maybe its mix of both.

    I dunno.
    In my head giving consent and rape lines are being blurred. When do u know?

  • #103582
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Think about the police questioning your partner and he has to describe how ho obtained your consent. What would he say?
    Sex must be given freely without fear of the consequences. There’s a great Thames Valley Police video called A Cup Of Tea. Have a look at that.

  • #103592
     Alittlelost 
    Participant

    I guess its assumed because u agree sometimes that u do all the time. But then if u dont stop it when u dont want it then how are they ever really supposed to know? If u go along with it in worry of if u try stop it how they will feel or respond. But is that my fault of how i was raised being scared how he will respond cos my fathers abuse or is it signals he is giving off to me i pick up on. Or both. Its complicated.

  • #103594
     Alittlelost 
    Participant

    My boyf goes through periods of porn and mastibation/sex addiction. He says he doesnt find my body attractive but still wants sex.

  • #103612
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s messing with your head. I said no just to see what happened and he went ahead anyway. That’s rape. It made it very clear to me then.

  • #103613
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s your body and you decide who does what to it, he should be asking for your consent each time.

  • #103615
     Catjam 
    Participant

    It is a blurry line. I have said no or ignored his advances so many times but then when it’s 2am and he is still trying I just give in so I can sleep. But I just lie there and let him do it. I can never get my head round how he can enjoy it when I clearly don’t but I figure it’s about power and possession.
    He sulks and complains every so often about my lack of enjoyment and participation but I just shrug now and walk away.
    I try not to think about it too much because that really does mess with my head.
    Take care x

  • #103616
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sleep deprivation is a tactic to wear you down. My ex also used to wake me up really early when I was groggy and less able to fend him off. It’s exhausting. Yes I can’t understand why anyone would want to do that to someone who it clearly repulses but that just shows the complete and total lack of any kind of emotional bond. That’s how they can abuse and cheat without any remorse.

  • #103618
     Cantmakedecisons 
    Participant

    I had the exact same blurred lines going on. I’ve tried to understand if it’s my marital obligation (sorry to sound so old fashioned) or is it more complex than that.

    What is consent? And if “no” isn’t used because your frozen with fear, or you don’t try to fight them off then is that assumed consent.

    Eventually it was answered for me when I was violently forced on several occasions, where it was clear my opinion didn’t come into it. I was left with horrendous bruises all over me, including my arms where he had restrained me.

  • #103619
     Alittlelost 
    Participant

    I guess thats what im on about on how i come about finding myself not initating sex. I can just be lsying there trying to relax or sleep amd next thing i know he has pulled down my underwear and inside me and i guess its assumed to be ok.

  • #103620
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Assumed is not consent. When he does this try saying (if it’s safe to do so) that you don’t want to. Any caring partner would accept this because there’s no way I’d want to have sex with someone who isn’t clearly engaging. Sometimes even in a loving caring relationship we may engage in sex if we don’t particularly want to but it’s because we love and care and want to please our partner and that’s okay. It’s when you’re complying because of the bad consequences of not complying. The threats of moods or violence or being kept awake for hours or that kind of coercion is sexual abuse and illegal. Rape crisis have a helpline that you can talk there anonymously.

  • #103639
     maddog 
    Participant

    My ex assumed consent on the basis that I was his wife. He told me that his behaviour was his way of ‘showing affection’. Er, no. It’s not. It’s rape. Just horrible. Because they’re not holding you at knife point in a dark alley it doesn’t mean it’s not rape. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I still have flashbacks and nightmares.

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