Sexual elements to emotional abuse

[summersun]

My ex was emotionally abusive – he was critical (telling me I’d be more attractive if I put on weight, and changed my hair etc), controlling (he told me he didn’t like me when I was drunk around other people because I became too loud) and dismissed my feelings as my problem, or me being ‘childish’ and wasting his time.

There was also a weird sexual element to things, that wasn’t sexual assault, but that just felt off, and I was wondering whether this is something other people have experienced, because I haven’t seen it in any of the articles I’ve read on emotional abuse.

He wouldn’t let me have any say at all in how we had sex – I told him I like to go on top sometimes, but he wouldn’t ever let us have sex in a way that was anything other than me being passive and lying down and him being in control. He once even ordered me to get down, while we were having sex, when I tried to get up and influence things a bit. If I ever brought up that I’d like to do things that worked for me a bit more, he’d say it was boring and I took too long, or we always did things for me, even though we definitely never did.

I couldn’t ask for things or say I wanted something because he would react badly; once I asked him to use his hands more, and he lectured me on how sometimes he uses his hands, and sometimes he doesn’t, he decides and I shouldn’t demand things because I wouldn’t like it if he did that. He then told me I’d killed the mood for him and walked off to the kitchen. I didn’t think that I had said it in a demanding way, but I ended up apologising in case I had.

Another time I asked for more foreplay, but he just demanded that he wanted sex now, and I felt intimidated into skipping it, like he wanted. Afterwards I felt like crying, but tried to hide that from him because I knew it would annoy him, but he still got mad at me for looking unhappy. I ended up telling him that I was fine repeatedly, to reassure him and calm him down.

When he ordered me to get down during sex, I was shocked and did, but afterwards I complained, because it made me feel really uncomfortable and upset. I told him that I didn’t like the way he said it and that it seemed like he was only thinking of himself. I felt guilty for saying it soon after we’d had sex and not in the most sensitive way, but I was upset.

After that, he made me feel so guilty for implying he was selfish and really seemed like he never got over my saying it and would still bring it up months later. He said I ruined a nice moment for both of us, and told me I was as bad as young guys who coerce girls into having sex (something I’d talked to him about previously). That it was really not cool of me to complain after we had just had sex (I know it was a bad time to say something, but I was upset), when he had even put music on for me. He said he thought, f**k you, I never want to have sex with you again. He also called me childish for being bothered by something as petty as what position we had sex in.

I apologised many times for bringing this up at a bad time. But I couldn’t ask for what I wanted or bring up that some things bothered me at any other time. The whole relationship we had sex how he wanted, without me having any say, and yet I was made to feel like the sexually demanding one.

I was just wondering whether you think this sounds like selfishness and bad communication? Or if this is also part of the abuse? And if anyone else has experienced anything similar? I’m not sure how I could have handled this better.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

Sex to them is not about love its about control.

I can remember being order to dress up half way through, I was told I was frigid, no good at it, or to demanding.

There was no way you could have handled it better.

FS

[Dragonfly]

Everything seems to be about control with them, incl sex. But sex should be a mutual enjoyable experience. You shouldn’t feel hurt or confused.

You should be able to communicate what you like /don’t like. Change your mind. Mutual experience.

My abuser kind of did the opposite. It was all about me a lot of the time then he would tell me what he wanted and I’d follow.

There was a time – it was an accident – he elbowed me on the nose. I had blood pouring from my nose. I thought he’d broken it. I was crying. He laughed his head off at me but ofcourse stemmed the flow of blood. How sweet. Not!! He still wanted to continue having sex tho!!

I ended up with black eyes. He spent the next few days laughing, not about the black eyes because that worried him, the fact people may have thought he’d punched me, he laughed because of the circumstance.

There’s another instance I’m just coming to terms with now. Basically we’d argued, then he just ‘took’ me, I said no, he did the deed and fell asleep. Rape? No idea. I didn’t like it tho.

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