Shaking

[teatime]

I got into an argument on social media about DV and cited the that the statistics on DV were worse for women. I also pointed out some inconsistencies on men insisting that women ‘were as bad and as violent as men. I know of abuse on males. I have seen it and heard about it.I would never say it was a great thing!
But 2 women a week die 4 times as many as men. But then I am told women lie about their DV.
I am really upset now. It is my own fault for trying to engage with men who clearly have an agenda. Worst of this some were women saying women were just as violent as men. One is a friend.
Now I am shaking and feel ill.
Am I never to speak the truth?

[teatime]

Why would a woman insist that DV is just as bad for men? It is completely mad based on someone she knows….
I feel I am never to speak of my own DV let alone voice an opinion- without getting more abuse.
Oh god it feels like I am in Kafka. Is anyone kind out there? Any more…

[KIP.]

Hey there, i know how you feel. I remember reading Lundy Bancroft and he said that although some women are violent towards men, there is always a physical disadvantage because men are naturally stronger and use the threat of violence and actual violence for control. Something a woman cannot do to a man (generally). Of course there are the very odd exception. Im in a much stronger place now to accept that some people who have never experienced domestic violence will never understand and i dont let their opinion affect me. Throughout my journey i met true ignorance from police to judges. Perhaps you are still too vulnerable to tackle the subject. It takes time to build a thick skin so perhaps until you feel strong enough to deal with ignorance, feel sorry for them that they lack knowledge, understanding and empathy ❤️

[teatime]

I have had to block the person concerned because I just do not want to read any more posts on her ‘topic’. It is really upsetting as she was a friend of mine. But I cannot deal with the n**********c comments from all and sundry it is making me queasy
. I wish i was not so lonely, and feeling lonelier by the minute now.

[KIP.]

Hey, no experience is a wasted experience. You can learn from this. My best friend of decades just doesnt get it and comes away with the most appualing comments. You will get past this stage. Dont take it personally. We grow stronger as we recover. Just hang in there. I went through many stages of recovery from dreading weekends to feeling very alone. It will pass. Hang in there x

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I do think we all need to be careful when getting into discussions online about feminist issues, especially DV. There are alot of people who wrongly believe falsified stats and intentionally bring them up to silence women speaking about gendered violence. And sometimes having those attitudes and comments thrown at us can really hinder our own recoveries <3

I’ve engaged in many discussions with people about male victims of DVA but you can usually bet if someone brings up the “men suffer abuse too”, there interest isn’t usually for the suffering of male victims, they’re using it as a means to silence women talking about abuse suffered by women. And very often their arguments are totally flawed aswell, they seem to just demand x y z for men because women have x y z and not take into account that male victims of female perpetrated dv might not need y and male victims of same-sex violence might not need x. If you see what I mean.

I’m glad you’ve blocked the person, I know it’s hard but try not to let it get to you too much. You’re still healing. Be kind to yourself lovely xx

[teatime]

Thank you so much and also for the clarity of your replies. I feel very uncomfortable about blocking someone I actually know but when I saw she had called me a ‘c’ in a roundabout way and that she was taking on a misogynist perspective, apart from being appalled I just did not want to see anything on her page ever again.
I feel a great storm is coming her way is she embeds herself in a misogynist culture. She is into gaming, I know… which I profess to know nothing about except it is often reported as misogynist.
PS, I found this really helpful
‘I’ve engaged in many discussions with people about male victims of DVA but you can usually bet if someone brings up the “men suffer abuse too”, there interest isn’t usually for the suffering of male victims, they’re using it as a means to silence women talking about abuse suffered by women’
Women on this forum are so intelligent, it always is like fresh air.
thank you thank you thank you

[Serenity]

I don’t ever engage in discussions on social media about this kind of thing. I want to protect myself from nasty comments or insults- plus people are sometimes coming from very personal, or ill-informed, or uneducated about abuse perspective. There’s a lot of people out there who seem to hold firm views on things they haven’t even researched properly.

A lot of men minimise the abuse of women. It’s strange how your female acquaintance seems so adamant in her views. People hold views for a variety of reasons. Maybe she herself has known a very harmful female abuser, and holds the view that some women can be incredibly destructive. Maybe she’s seen a male friend abused by a woman, and she holds strong personal feelings about it. Maybe she wants to appear that she supports equality of the genders: some people can want to appear politically correct, but this can involve them ignoring concrete facts about certain things. Maybe a man in her life who influenced her told her that a woman who frights for her rights over a man is unattractive, and this has informed her behaviour. There are still a lot of men out there who prefer a submissive woman and attempt to subjugate women by telling them that an assertive woman is unattractive. Maybe she’s learned to have relationships with men by pandering to their ego and being acquiescent like that.

[Nova]

…have to chip into this discussion…I’ve tried airing a few comments, just a couple and I will keep doing it, not too many I just throw them in and carry on 🙂 hoping something sticks…and if someone gets confrontational face to face I say …do you seriously think women and their children run for their lives, for fun? Seriously? (With a hi note at the end…and look sideways at them…)!

I don’t really engage on social media bit tedious …as people say all sorts ‘annoymously ‘..coward trolls etc….no thanks.

Good you stood your ground your speaking from your experience…and if they know better…umm how come do they have something to confess?!

Hugs Cx

[Anonymous]

Hi Teatime no man ever admits to domestic abuse and we are nearly always made out to look like liars, they are expert at hiding the truth and making us look like the liars! I even said sorry to him I lied about dv/abuse I told it to professionals too, He had me so convinced after I left that I had got it all wrong, I was mentally ill & I was the one who had issues!! That is what they do, make us feel guilty, take all the blame, I shake all the time, feel crazy, feel confused, They will never admit what they did to us. Always make it appear they are innocent!! Keep strong it is easier said than done xx

[Nina]

I shake a lot too, pace up and down the kitchen on bad days and cry at the slightest thing. My ex doesn’t know the damage he has done to me but I’m sure he’d be pleased. He has convinced everyone he knows, that I’m insane too. He tells them that he feels sorry for me and I exaggerated a simple accident where he just fell on top of me, as he tried to take his phone from me. All complete fabrication, I had just told him it was over, he’d been abusive and violent for years and we couldn’t live like that any longer. I finally realised it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t going to cry and apologise for things I hadn’t done and weren’t my fault anymore.
It was all thanks to my son, his school had phoned and said that unless I left him they would involve social services because my son had been brave enough to tell them what was happening at home. They made me see how unnaceptable his behaviour was, as much as he justified it.
Now I’m away, I’ve cut off most of my friends because I don’t trust anyone anymore and can’t bear to hear his lies. Many sympathise with him and they were telling me he still loved me and was worried about me. I don’t want to tell them what really happened. I don’t have the strength or inclination to justify reporting him to the police to anyone. I know the truth, the police know the truth and magistrates believed us. Everyone else can be manipulated by him now and I’m glad it’s not just me anymore x

[Ayanna]

This is society out there.
I had an encounter with a senior professional who said about a couple: the man is very controlling, but there is no evidence about domestic abuse at all.
I had to shut up, but I wanted to scream.
That’s why femicide happens and that’s why domestic abuse is a never ending problem.
Even those in positions who could help are denying it.

[Nina]

I don’t know how it will change though. People don’t want to think about it and because it is behind closed doors it can be ignored. It’s still the same old story. Why didn’t she leave if it was so bad, not why did he do it? I don’t think people can imagine that you don’t see it clearly and you’re made to believe that it’s all your fault.

[SunshineRainflower]

I know what you mean about the comments on social media, I’ve noticed that for example on youtube, every video that is about abuse has several men whining in the comments saying something like ‘abuse happens to men too you know.’ Absolutely exasperating.

Wherever people are speaking the truth about misogyny, domestic abuse and violence against women there seems to be an army of men online (and a few women too) trying to say that it isn’t true. Then you get nice normal women trying to appease these men by responding with something like ‘yes ok it happens to men too’ when I wish they would just block and delete the comment and not respond to it at all. It makes me exasperated too but I’ve managed it recently by just skipping over and ignoring those comments because they don’t deserve my time. There are large areas of the internet where I do not go because the misogyny makes me want not want to be here anymore. I am healed by spending time with like minded souls who speak the truth so I focus more on them now.

Society needs change though, children need to be taught the truth about all of this and boys need to be taught about equality and how to relate to girls in a healthy non-misogynistic way. It’s incredibly hard with all the deniers out there but like any other group fighting inequality we can keep fighting but we have to find ways to do it that make us feel empowered rather than ill, easier said that done but certainly possible. I have been thinking recently about I can help more like maybe joining a feminist group, or raising money for women’s charities, sometimes it’s hard to know how to fight this fight and make real change. x

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