This topic contains 12 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Buddy 1 week, 4 days ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #110806
     Buddy 
    Participant

    My husband has been out (detail removed by moderator) all day .. I have been out of the house !
    I came home , went in the bath after my run , cane downstairs ( I have decided to stop doing silent treatment back to him ) as I found it to stressful to live with , so I have been opening up conversation..
    I asked him , is (detail removed by moderator) finished , he wouldn’t look at me when answering just watching the tv .. I said (detail removed by moderator).
    This then escalated to him shouting , I said (detail removed by moderator)
    I am apparently lazy during lockdown .. he doesn’t expect a lot just I never clean the microwave out etc .. I never do anything with the kids, which is quite contrary as he just does diy and I sort the children out !
    I mentioned I painted the (detail removed by moderator) then he screams saying (detail removed by moderator) , I don’t recall him moaning about it when I was doing it
    Then he said he has done all the homeschooling ( he has done a lot ) as It’s been algebra which I struggle with )
    I said I do the English , then he says , when (detail removed by moderator) I cleaned the hall , stairs and landing (detail removed by moderator) and the Children’s bedrooms , then he shout (detail removed by moderator)!
    He then proceeds to say how well he has done doing the homeschooling and how the teachers were emailing him saying how great it is .. so I interrupted and said ok but .. then he screamed and over powered me ..
    in the meantime he is on the phone nice as pie to my dad talking about the football (my dad doesn’t know stuff ) this makes me sick
    He now has gone in spare room and baracaded himself in .. to stop me going in ..
    It’s a miracle he hasn’t thrown anything
    I think I am going to have to go down the antidepressant route .. as I am struggling really badly ..
    Sorry for long rant .. but I am writing this literally post argument ..
    I feel my life is in ruins and worrying yet again that I am not doing enough around the house xx

     

  • #110808
     Turtledove 
    Participant

    This sounds all too familiar for me. During lockdown was worse for me. My abuser would tell me daily that I didn’t clean the oven properly, didn’t iron the clothes properly and I couldn’t cop properly – my abuser would stand there watching me cook telling me that isn’t how you do it. I actually apologised at one point for not being (detail removed by moderator) lol. Told him I’m not a chef, I just make healthy meals that the kids enjoy and are fairly quick.

    Luckily my abuser spent most of the lockdown in his room alone with the door shut like a stroppy teenager. He did no colouring or crafty bits with the kids, wasn’t interested. He even sat there and watched me paint a particular room in the house whilst preparing dinner, sorting the kids, washing et etc. Before the lockdown he’d always use the excuse that he worked too much and didn’t have the time to do the DIY stuff, but during the lockdown my eyes opened up even wider!

    So I sympathise with you. We actually don’t need a man in our lives. I’ve discovered I’m stronger than I know and can actually turn my hand to many things now. You sound very independent too, you should get rid xx

  • #110818
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Thanks Turtledove ..
    J am so low ..i am in a really bad place .. I want theperson I fell in love with back ..
    Anyone else had weird thoughts about a way out ? I wouldn’t do anything silly but , has anyone else had this poo into their head ?
    Assuming it’s normal when feeling so worthless ..

    • #110820
       Turtledove 
      Participant

      I went through a period of thinking back to all OK f the good times we had and thinking where it could of gone wrong, this is before I woke up properly. The abusers are very good at the beginning because they tell us they’re acting like this because of us, the way we act or something we did or didn’t do. When actually they’re just horrible people and very good at hiding it.

      It’s been very hard for me, but I’ve finally accepted that my abuser never was the man I never met. I did blame myself even after I woke up, kept telling myself if was my fault for allowing myself to be tricked or conned into living a life like this with a man like this. And at times I would sit and think there wouldn’t be a way out of the abuse. I’d find myself looking at other people’s happy family lives and wishing I could have that then I’d feel upset again that I had kids with him and start to feel like I let my kids down because they’d never have a decent father. I felt so tricked and humiliated for a long time until I started to research and see my abuser for who he is.

      The way you’re feeling now is normal. When I felt like this it was near the very end. You’ll know when enough is enough xx

  • #110823
     True2myself 
    Participant

    So sad. The part that I understand is when you said about him talking to your dad. Everyone thinks my husband is calm and good natured. Nobody would actually believe me if they knew. He’s put in high regard cos he’s polite and all that. A few weeks ago we went to my parents house and I forget what it was about but he shook my dad’s hand. I dunno how he could do that knowing what he’s doing to me. It turned my stomach. If I said this to my husband he would tell me to shut up. He really doesn’t get the damage to my mental health and thinks I can’t let things go and move on. When I first joined this forum I thought he needed counseling and will get better. I don’t think that anymore. My husband switched personality. Almost a year ago he was the sweetest man and I was proud to be his wife. In this time since, I realise it’s not gonna happen and I got to this thinking by his behaviour. He knows I go to appointments because of him and some days he is grateful I have these and sometimes he feels backed into a corner cos I have support and he doesn’t. These forums really help me recognise situations of abuse that I didn’t know. I recognise situations of my friends that’s abuse but they don’t know. Horrible to find these things out. You seem that you can’t do anything right and no matter what your answer he won’t accept it. That’s tough to live like that. You know you try your best and I could bet your the best mum ever. I too aren’t good with maths and my husband does that part but I do the creative work mine have. We are all good at something and try our best and that’s all we can do. I hope things get easier for you and what is it with men wanting praise !!!! I definitely think our feelings go in stages and we will all get there in the end.

  • #110828
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Hi all, I just wanted to say that the barricading and self-imposed isolation, criticism, lack of eye contact, lack of affection, anger, silent treatment and toxic behaviour is exactly what I experienced from the start of lockdown from my ex and, after years of what I now know to be abuse, it nearly destroyed me. I got physically ill and seriously depressed as it came after several months of escalating abuse towards me that left me shocked and scared. The cycle of abuse in our relationship had always been secret, my family adored him. I kept waiting for the silent treatment to end, as it had in the past. For him to ‘forgive me’ and make it alright again because that was the pattern. Even though I knew he was treating me horrendously I longed for the ‘make up’. This is known as trauma bonding so don’t beat yourself up if you crave it, I existed on it for years before I got out. But then, after about a month, I started googling ‘why do men go silent’ and a whole world opened up. I kept thinking oh my god, this is my experience! I read more and more and watched YouTube channels to get guidance. I wanted to join this forum but was too scared at the time. I rang a helpline and on their advice, spoke to the police. Once I knew it was ‘a thing’ I weirdly became very calm. I took all the emotion out and started writing a journal, looking at the facts, remembering instances from the past – it was harrowing and hard but I knew I could never go back. I saw his true colours without any of the ‘nice/sweet’ behaviour that kept me hooked in the past. All that fell away and I just saw a vindictive, manipulative, toddler/man who did not deserve me. I keep saying this but THEIR BEHAVIOUR IS A CHOICE THEY MAKE. It is not because they are stressed, or having a bad day and no amount of tidying the house, being the perfect mum/wife/woman will ever make a difference. It is a systematic and purposeful denial of your basic rights as a human being to be treated with dignity and respect. Let alone love, compassion and understanding.

  • #110836
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Buddy

    I just wanted to show you some support. I can see that you have had lots supportive replies.

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Please carry on getting the support from your local service, you could also call your GP today and try and get an appointment. There is also the Samaritans who you can speak to if you need to talk about things.

    Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are,

    Lisa

  • #110847
     iliketea 
    Participant

    @buddy really good replies, @Wiseafter’s really resonated for me. So did your post, that was me at the start of the year. My GP had been trying to get me to take meds for a while (knowing the situation) I resisted for personal reasons but then relented as it was just getting way too Unmanageable even with weekly counselling. They totally cleared up the FOG, helped me sleep and helped me see clearly. I would definitely see the GP, this is definitely abuse you’re experiencing, carbon copy of mine. Have you been able to read or listen to anything? Why Does he Do That is a good starting book Healing from Hidden Abuse is really good and on audible, it’s a bit like having your own therapist. Or the Covert Passive Aggressive N********t was amazing for me too, I was just going yes the whole way through.
    whilst you’re getting a bit of insight it might help to build up a support network, GP, local woman’s aid or domestic abuse service, tell trusted friends, family?
    Hope you’re ok. It gets intense but there’s a way out. Especially once you realise that any of the good stuff at the beginning wasn’t real. It’s hard but it’s true. These types of men just cannot truly love, they’re missing the capacity to show empathy for another human being. X*x

  • #110851
     Scapegoat 
    Participant

    Hi Buddy, sending you hugs,as I totally resonate with your experience. I too have thought about the only way out! Lockdown was a total nightmare as CEV to Covid. Husband now telling me I owe him as he shielded me and he has lost wages( usual that he doesn’t work for the majority of year). Tells me I’ve robbed him (by working p/t when our son was younger), I’ve cheated on him ( I never go out), I overtalk him, don’t pay him enough attention and apparently lie( denying all of what he says).
    He’s now told me I have a few weeks to get out (I’m on (detail removed by moderator) holiday from work). Told me this last week and again last night when he woke me at midnight (detail removed by moderator)!
    Have you read Lundy Bancroft Should I stay or should I go? It’s v enlightening. I’m feeling more assertive today.
    Don’t give up, know it’s easy to say and I am in no way in control of my life. Keep posting and stay safe.💕

     

  • #110884
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi ladies, Thank I so much for your support it really does help !
    I am speaking to a local woman’s aid lady over the phone and I am seeing a counsellor next week for a second meeting .. I will look into the books recommended ..
    I feel a tiny bit better today .. believe it or not I have support from his parents as they know how he can be !!
    I can tell them anything .. good to talk !
    I woke this morning and started talking normal to him and of course this is what he wants , everything to go back to normal , no confronting so he can continue with the abuse .. this suits me for now for some normality before I go too crazy , but I know what he is about now so not going to let things slip back ..
    it’s crazy how you have all had similar experiences and I am so sorry for us all about what we have had to go through , it’s all very sad Thank u again xx

  • #110889
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi Buddy
    I hope your ok and sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. As you knnow our situations are quite similar and my Husband is a lot like yours, he will be calm as a cucumber then if something is said or I ask something he takes the wrong way or doesn’t like he goes into a rage, sometimes screaming on top of his voice yet calls me the crazy one. The past week or so he’s been all nicey nice asking if i want anything in the shop on the way home, buying me little things but I knkw this is just the cycle and he will change sooner or later. I know this may sound bad im just waiting and hoping that he will (as he usually does) says something really nasty or the next time he erupts because I have my boundaries in place now , ive packed a small case and I’m hoping at that point I’ll find courage to leave. Recently its been small covert emotional abuse, such as criticism about things, or things others wouldn’t think are putting down comments but he knows they are. Im just waiting for the next time something erupts as it will and then I’m planning to go.
    Keep strong lovely i know you are strong, very strong and I know what your going through is hard but you will get there and I will too. Keep chatting on here, talk to your support worker and get a plan in place this is what I’ve been doing however small , keep writing in that journal because your brain becomes so foggy with abuse its hard to remember things and it will help you to keep strong. Sending you lots of Love and a big hug xxxxx

  • #110891
     Lottieblue 
    Participant

    Hi Buddy,

    I just wanted to echo the book recommendations that @iliketea made. Funny that she also said about audible as that’s how I’m doing “Healing from Hidden Abuse” too. I’m on my second listen through and it really does give you strength. The other one (Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft) is an absolute bible. Also makes you realise that you are neither going mad nor alone.

    Also, I wanted to tell you that you are not alone with the “poo” in your head. I get so messed up, so crazy in the head, you do start thinking along irrational lines sometimes, even though you don’t mean it, just because you do want to find some sort of solution.

    Keep posting x

  • #110976
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi ladies .. thank u to each of you for your support and responses .. I phoned my gp today an I have a script for anti anxiety/ depression tablets .. when she looked at my records she could see I had been in and off these for years so discussed this with me .. I informed her of most things going on ..and said I was having counselling .. and going back to work .. she seems to thing tablets , counselling and going back to work will help lift the fog and lead me into a place where I have more perspective .. I have resigned myself to taking tablets as feeling so low but explained to her not sure if hubby making me feel like this over the years but a mix of kids , working etc.. I suspect hubby though .
    Not overly keen on going on tablets as worry they will mask everything , but my gp seems to think it’s the opposite and helps you think more clearly ?? Any experiences / thoughts on this ? X*x

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account