Shame on me

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I have once again some support from my local domestic abuse services. It started again because I spoke to a health professional about what went/goes on at home and she reported it for safeguarding reasons.
The whole lot as I call it went back to zero and I was called by the police to have a chat with them. This was weeks ago.
Still, even though I see a dv worker, I keep trying all sorts at home. The latest is to voice and say nothing. I try to be stronger and more clever than him but out of the blue he comes up with a question that tests my strength, and most of his questions are so weird and he looks at me, bending over me or leaning towards me as if he was trying to invade my space and he then looks at me to watch my reaction. I am running out of quick thinking and running out of avoidance responses like looking away pretending I am about to sneeze or fetching something to give me time to think about a neutral answer or gain a few split seconds before I reply calmly and in a controlled plain manner.
I tried this tactic of being utterly quiet because my brain is stuck on fear and anger too. Fear of the same things that worry me, losing my family unit, my home, fear of financial problems etc. The list is long! And anger because the only person who tries is me and the only abuser is him!!! He just doesn’t get it, ever! He is predictable and I have educated myself on the cycle of abuse but when you are in it you only see fog! I notice myself explaining massively clearly to friends how it all fits in a predictable describable scenario yet my words shock me with the absolute veracity of what I am experiencing but I still want to stay and adapt and keep the status quo as it is!!!
What on earth is wrong with me? Am I masochistic?
Shame on me for using all this support and still getting nowhere. I procrastinate on and on. I feel ashamed.
I hide from my friends the attitude I am adopting which is to stay quiet, react to nothing, adapt, be aware of his strange behaviour etc. Shame on me for doing this and not doing what is necessary to stop it all so I can also protect my adult kids who still live with us. They clearly want me divorced but I keep holding on. I am not protecting them. I am teaching them how to bow down, how to stay weak and powerless.
I am weak. My brain wakes up each day telling me not to bother about him, try to enjoy your home, your kids, everything I should be allowed to enjoy in peace and freedom. But I can’t. He comes up with these weird looks out of nowhere, it’s like he is teasing me and he knows it. He is so weird! Strange questions out of the blue…it destabilized me, puts me on edge and in a weird way I can see him jubilating with this look in his eyes as he manages to make me feel uncomfortable. He looks psychotic. His remarks are psychotic. The other day he asks me such a strange question about x…He looked so weird with his body leaning towards me with this strange snigger and the strange words coming out…all I could do was look away as I pretended to fumble for something, pick up a tissue next to me and blow my nose or something like that. His response to my avoidance was to storm off then call me over my ignorance towards his question…Who on earth behaves like this?
He also made a remark that sounded inappropriate about how I cope with illness…totally the opposite to how I actually cope. It’s like he is fetching for a reaction from me, pushing ordinary general life things you and I could comment on to become what they are not, just so he can watch me react against a false statement about me or a defensive reply from me about a statement he makes about me.
It feels psychotic to me. It even looks and feels scary to hear and watch.
So shame on me for feeling stuck into wanting to stay. Beyond leaving is such an unknown…too many doubts and deep seated fears. And also anger and a wish to not let him “win”. He knows exactly what he is doing to push me to the edge. There is no compassion nor empathy nor remorse nor emotional intelligence in him. There is a form of deep malignant evil spirit in him. He wants all my spark to be gone. He wants me to feel beaten and spiritually dead.
I know and feel all this so deeply. It’s not a relationship at all, it’s a hell on earth and he is dragging me into it with him.

I say to my friends kick me if I say I want to stay. They try to help but I can’t make them responsible for my choice. I have to make the choice. So why do I want to stay in this hell???

In the past I would have dragged myself into diabolical arguments trying to fix and explain, justify and over explain. I felt exhausted. Now I stay quiet whenever and however I can
It’s like I am proving he can’t beat me. I must be mad.

Maybe I beat myself up for having chosen him as my partner despite all the things I knew felt wrong. I am punishing myself. Who knows…

Have you ever felt like that? Am I just as weird as he is? Who and what have I become??? I don’t even feel any sense of reality any more. It’s day in day out waking up to the same…wasting time and life…

[KIP.]

It’s trauma bonding. I was trauma bonded to my home too. Brainwashed. It took an assault and police to remove him or I worry I would still be stuck. I was a non person. I took me a very long time with non contact to not want him back. I’m ashamed to say that brainwashing lasted over two years before I understood. The PTSD only makes the confusion worse but there is nothing safe about him or your home. But you know that. It will take someone to intervene on your behalf.

[lover of no contact]

me too I was trauma bonded and couldn’t leave. I needn’t him to discard me but I was making myself strong as you are doing by speaking out to a Forum like this one, a support group etc. But I just couldn’t make the decision to leave. But I did try to not be in the same room as he was when we were in the home while we were waiting for the court to separate us. This didn’t always worked but less contact with him definitely kept my strength.

Contact with him weakens us and strengthens the abusers. You are weak at the moment and in distress with his behaviours (because of contact|) and he is getting his high from you. He is feeling more Powerful with the contact with you in the house. You are feeling weaker.

Focus on getting creative in the ways of not being in the same room as him (I had to do this and it lessened his affect on me). Its only a short-term measure though because he will go out of his way to make contact with you. He needs his ‘fuel’ from your upset and distress.

Be in the kitchen at different tomes to him. If he’s in a room never enter it, just choose a different thing to do in a different room in the house. Think of it as sharing a living space with a lodger you don’t like or want to be in contact with. This will help get your strength back and for your mind to clear.

You can’t change him but you can choose different rooms to be in the house than the rooms he is in.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Bridget Jones,
I was in the same situation with mine a little while ago. I tried to stay clear of him, but he would follow me around and like yours lean forward when talking to me, studying my reaction, saying odd things, wording things oddly, trying to provoke a reaction, than when I did react he’d say I’d misunderstood or being paranoid. As you said nothing you do or say is right. I’ve wanted to leave for decades, but believed his lies that I couldn’t survive without him. I’m still here, still terrified that he might be right or that I’ll be worse off.
However this time I have my leaving plans and I’m plodding along and making progress. I’m exhausted and sometimes paralysed with fear, but the brilliant advice and support I’m getting from this forum, women’s aid and my solicitor are giving me the strength to keep going.
Try doing things to build your confidence and self respect- join a self help group, counselling or trying it yourself reading books and articles.
When we let them destroy our self respect and confidence we are weak and at their mercy. I was just like you one minute determined I couldn’t stand any more and was leaving, then he’d back off and be nice and the fear of the big bad world was too much.
I got round that obstacle by telling myself whether or when I left didn’t matter. The important thing was that I gained back control over my own life. And as terrifying as it was always worrying if I was going to start ww3 again, I did it. I set myself sensible goals and as I achieved them it made me stronger and more confident. I didn’t have any faith in myself or my decision making skills or my gut feeling or anything. Working on all those issues is helping me to trust myself and making me stronger. If I can do it, I’m sure you can too. Keep posting and reading- knowledge and support are key to success. Good luck 😊

[Ayanna]

If you owned a million pound mansion for yourself and had a secure monthly income you probably would have left a long time ago.
Material insecurity is a big anxiety factor, especially when you are used to a certain lifestyle.
It is not inspiring to know for certain that we will be poorer after leaving and losing out on the beautiful spaces we have created in the property that we share with the abuser.

Leaving also requires to throw over board the bonding to material things, to let go of lifeless objects that mean something to us, to let go of spaces that we love.

It makes the decision harder.

But what can we gain by leaving?
Peace, tranquility, truthfulness to ourselves, hope, ….

Sometimes we have to take risks and trust the universe, that in the end everything will turn out fine.
It is not easy, it is a struggle for several years.
However, hard work, a vision, perseverance, optimism, faith in our own abilities will bring us where we want to be, most certainly to a better and more inspiring place in life.

[Brewsandshoes]

Please do not feel bad about being where you are. You are gaining strength every time you post on here or seek support elsewhere.

He is messing with your head, and that’s hard to fight against.

And he is the one controlling how he acts – it’s not about your behaviour. Bet he’s not doing that weird leaning over thing with anyone else!

I only recently clocked that what I was experiencing was emotional abuse – and each time I post on here or speak to the helpline I feel that little bit stronger.

You’ll get there.

[puzzledatlife]

I still wish I was with my ex because I struggle to believe that what I have experienced is true. The uglier it is, the harder it is to believe it. It is worst than death because it is your partner being dead while he is still alive next to you. I don’t know how those who can just say “this is awful I walk away” can do that. I am like you. I would stay, have stayed, had sleepless nights, accusations from his ex, house vandalised and items stolen by his kids, and I stayed…he discarded me, I returned to him. And miss him and think I am crazy. I totally understand you. And I even understand your shame. I was ashamed when he discarded me the first time, was ashamed of being single, of being unable to even keep a man with lots of problems, even someone like him, with tons of issue
S, doesn’t want me…I can’t make anyone want me. Like you I wasn’t able to protect my son, made him bond with an awful man who discarded both of us. I understand what you feel and I hope both of us get over it soon xx

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