Shellshocked

[Tiredone]

I have a really bad therapy session on Monday and I am still feeling the effects of it days later. We were talking about a particularly bad experience that I had with me ex and I lost it. I always knew that this was a bad time and that talking about it would be difficult but I never thought I would break down like I did. I didn’t think it had affected me as much as it did. I noticed that it’s only when other people are telling me how bad my previous relationship was that I realise how horrific it really was. In this particular instance my therapist kept saying, ‘you had to get a flight and leave the country in order to feel safe’ repeatedly and after the 5th/6th time of her saying it, I realised how f****d up that whole situation was. After that I started to crumble.

It was so weird, she was telling me that I was safe now and that that horrific experience was over and I am in the here and now and she wanted me to say, ‘I am safe’ but I couldn’t because I didn’t feel safe at all. I realised I had been shaking for a while and got really hot and my body started to hurt (in all the places that he had hurt me) and I howled. I made sounds that I didn’t know I could make. She tried to calm me down but I couldn’t stop crying and shaking. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to get her to lock the door because I was so scared and it took her a while to coax me out of the room. I don’t know how long this went on for but eventually I managed to calm down enough to leave the room and get a taxi home. The rest of the day was overwhelming. I tried to take it off as a sick day but had too many deadlines so kept working. I don’t remember much of the evening.

Yesterday I felt completely shellshocked. Luckily my boss let me work from home again and I did the bare minimum to get through. I had another session this morning and we spoke about what happened and I feel numb and exhausted. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe I don’t have PTSD but that episode confirms that I definitely do. I am really scared that I have that amount of emotion and fear still that I haven’t processed. I thought I had come a long way but it turns out I still have so much more to process and not a lot of sessions left to do so. I am scared that I will lose it again in a less supportive environment and that people will think I am a crazy person. I hate that my ex still is able to make me loss the control that I fought so hard to regain.

I am back at work now and clearly not working because I can’t concentrate. Work seems so insignificant at the moment. People are asking me to (detail removed by moderator) and all I can think about it I had to flee a country because I thought my ex would kill me. Also, how did I manage to trivialise something so big and scary? I turned running for my life into “catching a flight home”. How do you keep going when you have a shocking revelation like that? I want to go home and sleep. I can’t function right now. I’m so overwhelmed. What do I do?

[Iwantmeback]

I read recently that those of us who go for councelling actually really do have the ability to heal ourselves within us. It has comforted me knowing that but it doesn’t take away the enormity of what we go through.

Bringing up feelings that have been squashed deep within us is bound to make us react ‘out of character’. At the time you had to ‘catch a flight’, you were dealing with extreme emotions and thoughts, you’d have been on auto pilot. You are safe now and as such the body is allowing those feelings and thoughts to come to the surface. It’s because you’re no longer around him that your brain is overloaded with the enormity of how dangerous a situation you were in, it’s no wonder you reacted how you did, your body is reacting to what your brain is allowing you to remember. Bit by painful bit.
Sometimes we can’t keep going, we’re all out of adrenaline and as such we really do need to take time out just for us.

I nearly died a few years ago, nothing to do with DA, but it has made me realise that without my health I’m no good to me or anyone else. I’ve learned to say no in work environments, took pay cuts as I went p/t instead of f/t. I admit I’ve forgotten just how ill I was, but I haven’t forgotten how it made me look and feel. It took me a year to get over that episode,
In DA situations we’re expected to keep going, get back to normal, put it behind you, with no thought given to how we feel emotionally or physically. But one day we wake up and can’t keep going. I used all the arguements on myself, especially how were we going to manage financially, but we do.
We do what we do to survive, during and after DA.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiredone]

Thank you for being kind and not thinking I am crazy. I have squashed down a lot of feelings and now that I have seen some of them come out I want to squash them down even further. I know it’s not healthy and that I need to acknowledge what happened and how I felt about it but I don’t want to have an episode like the other day.

I definitely spent a lot of my last relationship on autopilot. I would shutdown a lot as well to try and minimise his anger. I still shutdown when I’m overwhelmed or angry and my current bf finds that difficult because he wants to help but I won’t let him in.

I think the shock has set in and I don’t really know what to do with myself. Unfortunately I can’t afford to go p/t. I really wish I could at times like these because it’s all getting too much. I was signed off work with stress last year and I want to avoid being signed off again if I can.

[Iwantmeback]

Tbh I’ve had 2 similar episodes, both in my car, guess I feel safer there and one in the house. They ARE few and far between thankfully. Of course I don’t think you’re crazy, I thought I was for so long, even went to a memory clinic, was convinced I had early onset dementia as I was’ forgetting’ so much. Recently had a preliminary meeting with a psychologist, and she too confirmed I wasnt crazy but considering the crazy making behaviour my oh was doing she was amazed I wasn’t. It’s so nice having professionals see you, really see you.
Tiredone, it takes courage to face our fears but we do, when it’s right for us.💞 I’m very aware that my oh’s actions could kill me, one hit is all it takes so they say, and as (detail removed by moderator).
Distract distract distract, that’s all we can do. Some colour in or decorate, some bake, some exercise. Sometimes we just have to let those memories back in, so we can process them and eventually let them go. Remember, there’s no timeline to healing from this, as individuals our recovery is individual to us. Keep posting, be around those that make you smile even if you’re not ready to be happy, one day you will wake up and the whole trauma of it all won’t be the first thing you feel or think of.

I’ll never be thankful for this experience, go on at how it’s made me a stronger person, I think that alone minimises and gives an abuser a superiority they so don’t deserve, but if anything good comes out of it, so be it.
I liked who I was before him, I didn’t mind not standing up for myself, I did when it was important, just not to be superior. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here, so won’t say anything more.
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[Escapedbuthaunted]

Hi
I’ve had moments as you describe where it’s hit me during counselling saying out loud what happened just seems to make it more real and looking at it with hindsight it’s hard not to think how did I let it get to that etc
When you escaped you were in flight or fight mode you were hyper alert to everything going on and running on adrenaline and Durban’s instincts. Now you’ve escaped and are trying to heal processin those emotions is like reliving it both emotionally and physically . The feeling of past physical pain as if it were happening again is really hard to go through.
Be kind to yourself give yourself the time and space needed to process everything it’s hard while holding down a full time job I know so if you feel able to let anyone u work with know u are working through some difficult stuff they can hopefully support u, another option is to self cert or see your gp and get signed off while u are going thru this atm. Coping mechanisms I use when feelings
So overwhelmed include listening to music, writing down my thoughts and feelings, going for walks or a jog or cycling (any exercise really) overall don’t be hard on yourself you are doing great and will get through this as you are a strong and resilient person to have got to where you are now already. Hope things start improving for u

[Tiredone]

I feel a bit better today. Slightly less dazed and overwhelmed. My therapist said it would take a while for the shock to dissipate. I managed to take (detail removed by moderator) off of work which definitely helped. I watched lots of rubbish TV and ate a ton of food (not the healthiest approach but it helped). Luckily everyone at work has been really supportive. They gave me my job back (I quit to move abroad with my ex), let me have time off when I needed it and have tried to help me get this therapy. My boss has been really kind as well and has helped with my workload. I add a lot of pressure to myself because I don’t want to feel like I can’t cope at work. I know I would be able to cope with the workload if I didn’t have this albatross around my neck all the time.

I have planned to talk to my bf about what happened (detail removed by moderator). He has definitely noticed that something big happened but didn’t want to push me to talk about it. He has kindly offered to come to a PTSD workshop with me next week to learn about how he can be more supportive. He has already been a huge help in processing what happened and has helped me learn to trust again. He has the patience of a saint. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be with in the last couple of months because I have been so angry. This therapy has brought up a lot of emotions that I stuffed down and unfortunately he’s getting the brunt of it.

I am hoping that now that I have talked about this horrific event in therapy, I won’t have any more meltdowns/panics attacks/loss of control. I don’t know what to call it because I have had anxiety and panic attacks before but they were a walk in the park compared to what happened on (detail removed by moderator).

Thank you both for letting me know that I’m not a crazy lady. My ex would gaslight me all the time and unfortunately I still believe what he said instead of trusting myself.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Tiredone, what a positive post you’re written. It’s good to know your work is so good regarding this and also your bf too. I think learning to trust another person intimately is a huge step to do so baby steps my friend. I hope you have a lovely weekend and your feelings of being overwhelmed lessen. I’m finding when I feel like that, that they’re certainly not lasting as long as they used too.

IWMB 💕💕

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