Short bad story of badness

[smallhouseblues]

Hello, tough ladies. I’ll try to keep my story short and I’d appreciate your input. I’ve been in a long relationship (think more than a decade). Very good for the most part, abusive for the last year or two. Finally broke up after a particularly bad episode, then got back together. He got therapy. Well, I’ve felt episode coming about for a while (it’s cyclical) and today he smashed my phone with a hammer because the alarm went off.

Is this it? I know I need to get out and make sure it’s not my face next, but can I have some reassurances for the moments when I am told that I “let this relationship die” or when I get weak in the knees? There was/is a lot of love, but smashing stuff is not love.

And: getting out is hard. The worst hasn’t happened yet, it’s when he realises that there’s no hope that I’d change my mind. I’m afraid of that moment (last time he strangled me and I hit him, which changed the whole “abuse” conversation to me being the abuser). I quit my job and moved to a new city to study, so my only income is tied up with the work I’m doing from home for his company. One of my tenancy references is fake (since self-employment doesn’t get you a tenancy) and he threatens to tell the landlord and make me homeless. Either way, I can’t afford the place since I will have no job. I can go back to my parents for a bit, but that means moving to a country where I don’t speak the language and can’t get employment. I think I should do this anyway, for a bit, but I’m also worried about the repercussions – he would turn up on the doorstep of my siblings, kill our cats and send me pictures or kill himself. It’s bad.

Any advice? You girls are my lifeline.

[fizzylem]

Sounds frightening and that you need to get a well considered plan together; I would suggest calling the helplne and getting yourself a support worker from the local WA charity; the helpline can tell you who this is or you can sometimes find the number on the local councils website.

Also, gather as much evidence as you can of the abuse and any info on the financials – as long as it is safe to do so x

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome to the Forum smallhouseblues,

Yes huge red flags that he has no problem with putting you in fear (smashing your phone) and he has the cheek to put it on you that you are the abuser after He strangled you and you hit back (which is a normal reaction). Typical abuser behaviour.

Its good you have reached out here and yes Women’s Aid is there for you as well so you can stay safe while you get away from this abuser. They are very experienced and know the abuser-mindset very well as do we on here. Lots of women with an abuser like yours (who uses threats to harm you, harm your family, and harm himself to keep you in the relationship) have got free from the abusive relationship and you will too. But I couldn’t have done it on my own so read the posts on here daily (knowledge is Power).

Its good you have your parent’s to go to. I know its a big change for you, different country, different language and no job but honestly your life and mental health must come first. All the other things will fall into place ..with time.

The main thing today is to tread very carefully. Don’t let him know at all that you are thinking of ending the relationship as if he feels he is losing his emotional he will not stop at anything to get you to stay put.

You must feel awful tonight having been subjected to his violent smashing of your phone but this has made it very clear cut what he’s like so he has ‘cut off his nose to spite his face’ and he can’t hide what he’s really like now. His true colours have shown..yet again. He knows that this action he takes makes you fearful of him and what he may do and he is secretly smiling to himself and happy with this outcome.

Please keep posting. You will need all the support you can get.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there, good to see you posting though it’s a frightening tale indeed.

There are so many red flags here… Smashing your property (criminal damage if you wanted to go down the police route), threats, fear, turns his behaviour on you, it also sounds like you are at risk of losing both job and home if you in his mind “wrong” him.
As said above by the other ladies, call WA when it’s safe for you to do so and get help with an exit plan and be careful not to let him know in any way.
You said you would like reassurance, and I can assure you this won’t stop here. There will be other more violence down the road, whether it’s your property or you remains to be seen, but the red flag isn’t just the phone here, there’s so much more in your story that shows his desire to control you. You did not let this relationship die – he did with his actions. You are not to blame – he is to blame for his actions. You might have hit him back – but there wouldn’t have been a need to do so if he hadn’t strangled you, again he is to blame. This all paints a picture of someone who cannot face the consequence of his own actions. So no, you are not to blame for the relationship dying. There is nothing you could have done differently and I am glad to see you are so aware that smashing property is indeed not love.
Keep posting on here and stay safe.

[smallhouseblues]

Thanks a lot for all the advice and support. I’ll use this forum to remind myself that it doesn’t all just “go away” on a good day or few weeks. I think I’ll contact the helpline as well and stay firm about my plan to leave. I don’t think he is entirely malicious, but he does switch, and when he switches, it’s like he’s had a personality transplant to something horrid. Such a shame, we had many beautiful years…But shame or not, this relationship is dead in the water.

[fizzylem]

Good for you flower; you sound clear in your mind this needs to end and that it is only you who can stop this by getting out. They can go from bad to worse at the end – this is when women are at the most high risk as they up the anti. Yes keep posting. You should be able to get help with housing, your local WA charity can advise and help with this. Guess I’m thinking it would be good to stay with your parents for a bit while you recover but I am also wondering if this is what you really want? To leave the country? Lots of stuff for you to think about isn’t there x

[Anonymous]

Agree with what’s been said. Funny how all these abusers follow a pattern. Mine started with smashing up my stuff and when the pleasure in that receded, started on me. I was also told I am the abuser because I defended myself. He seemed to think I should just take my punishment like a good girl and anything I did to survive and escape was abusive. On what planet do these people even live??

[fizzylem]

Oh Landy, can relate so much to what you said, yes, take the punishment like a good girl – so true xx

[Author]

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