Should be celebrating but I am just so sad

[prof fj lewis]

I posted here recently about a court matter regarding my ex. I am unable to discuss specifics of the case but a lot of false and very serious allegations have been made about me. I have been very scared the court would believe all of this, however they saw through his lies. I should be celebrating right now as my name has been cleared and I have been exonerated of all the nasty things that have been said. However I am just so sad but I do not know why I am sad. Think I have been living off fear and adrenaline for the last few months and now the fear is gone I just feel total exhaustion.

[Serenity]

Hi FJ,

Yes, I think the adrenaline keeps you going, and you kind of ‘put off’ the reflection, just to get through it.

Then, even if you have ‘won’, you end up hurting- as you then have the time to look back at it all. Plus, they’ve shown themselves to be who they really are, through their public lies. All this hard to digest.

You did so, so well to expose him. Congratulations. This was step 1 of getting him out of your life.

Now, you’re onto the next stage of healing. It is painful, but keep on sharing and ask for support. You won’t ever go back to how you were at the very beginning. X*x

[prof fj lewis]

I am going to try to spend some time pampering myself, but I am now broke after spending thousands on solicitors.
Serenity when you say I will never go back to how I was before is that in a bad way? Will I be left “damaged” by all of this. As it stands all I have ever known is abuse. My parents were a million times worse than him. I am doing the freedom programme to try and make sense of it. I want to know what turns someone into an abuser. It cannot be upbringing because mine was highly abusive and I make an extra effort never to upset people with my words or actions.

[KIP.]

For what it’s worth my ex did exactly the same. Got me put in a police cell for 5 hours after making up rubbish after he was arrested. Don’t take it personally. It seems all cowardly abusers do this. It’s sad to think someone you loved and you thought loved you could do this to us. I promise it will get better. It just takes time. Be kind to yourself. Pamper, sleep, eat and drink. You need to stay healthy to get through this. Basic I know, but sometimes we forget to take care of ourself x

[Serenity]

Hi FJ,

Oh no, I meant even if you feel low now, you won’t ever go back to being as low as you were at the beginning of starting the court proceedings/ separating etc!

We might have dips, and might feel scared that we are going backwards, but it truly is only one step back, two steps forward!

About not going back to how we were: I think we are a lot stronger and wiser now!

Hugs X

[Serenity]

PS : The Freedom Programne will help you so much, I am sure.

I am left in horrible debt too.

I have tried to get into the winner mindset by Googling ‘frugal mum’ and ‘frugal living’ websites and things- brilliant tips on how to live a pleasurable life on a budget. You can save so much!

Yes, extreme self-care is imperative for you now x*x

[Ayanna]

I nearly got arrested. I was so lucky the police did not know where I worked. I came then to the interview and it was about some awful accusations. They were all lies and I could rectify them. But for a few weeks I did not know whether they would be dropped or not.
It will take a while to feel better. My ordeal is just over for a few months and I am exhausted all the time. I can get things done only slowly and in stages. I cannot feel happy, my mood is indifferent.
I do not think about my feelings right now. I just carry on with whatever I do and maybe I assess my state of mind in another six months and see whether there is progress.
It is not only the abuse that damages us, but also the time after fleeing, what the system does with us, what patriarchy does to finish us off.
You are out now. You can make plans for your future. It helps me a lot to have a tick list. I frequently go back to it to remind myself of my goals. I move slowly but I achieve them, one by one.
It feels as if we are existing, not living. I hope this will change as time passes by. Or not, if it is PTSD.
But still, a peaceful life is possible like that, nevertheless. x*x

[Kaza]

It is a time thing, and with all you have had to cope with and u sound mentally exhausted which is understandable. Give yourself time to recharge your batteries.

[Author]

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