- This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Hereforhelp.
-
AuthorPosts
-
-
20th May 2024 at 2:54 pm #168712Bluemonkey101Participant
Hi all, I’m new here and was after some advice please?
I have been with my partner for about (detail removed by moderator) now, when we first met I couldn’t believe I’d finally found my soulmate. We instantly clicked, He was so lovely, would tell me how much he wanted to look after me and how beautiful I was. He sounded like he’d been through a hard time in his previous relationship with the mother of his son, I just couldn’t believe I’d found “the one”. Things moved pretty quickly and foolishly I moved him into my home very swiftly. The first few months were bliss we were obsessed with each other and spent all the time we could together and would be constantly laughing. A few months in we started having a few squabbles over different things and he blamed it on my hormones and after a while insisted I went and got some help as he couldn’t handle it. I went to the docs and got put on antidepressants. Fast forward to Christmas, we were still having arguments here and there but had a lovely Christmas together however during the festive period he was drinking quite abit which I didn’t think anything of. After Christmas, he continued to drink every night slowly choosing to drink stronger drinks. I started to feel like he wasn’t as affectionate and attentive as he was previously due to the drinking. We moved house in (detail removed by moderator) and since then we have had arguments weekly over silly things which have led to huge arguments and not speaking and sleeping apart for a day or 2. I took him away for his birthday and within an hour or so of being there we ended up having an argument about (detail removed by moderator) and he ended up leaving me in the (detail removed by moderator) alone all weekend! The drinking continued and last week it reached a peak… we were talking about (detail removed by moderator) and he didn’t like the (detail removed by moderator) and he lost his temper leading to him calling me a (detail removed by moderator), absolutely useless and boring and then went on to punch holes in the door and smash my (detail removed by moderator) before disappearing! I can’t believe this has happened, he’s always made me feel so safe! He’s currently staying at his mums and I am in contact with her, she has said he is in an awful state and devastated and embarrassed about what he has done and that he won’t drink again. He has sent me a few messages and he seems very remorseful but I am unsure what to do? Should I be supporting him with his addiction problems or walk away? -
21st May 2024 at 6:37 am #168722Redpanda123Participant
I’m sorry to hear of the awful time you’ve been having. Please leave this man now. His behaviour will only get worse and next time it will you you that gets a fist and not the door or wall. I know I was on the receiving end from an alcoholic father and ex who beat me up after drinking. The fact he sent you to the Drs and quite frankly I’m shocked you were put on antidepressants without asking further details, shows emotional abuse. Psychological abuse by calling you names and intimidation and fear of physical abuse when punching walls. This man had to sort his own life out. His addiction is not your cause to save. Please look after yourself. This man will grind you down and will physically hurt you. Your mental health has already suffered. Please don’t let it get any worse. He will beg and plead and say he will go for counselling. But all will be to get you back. You deserve a man who will do anything not to hurt or insult you. His true character came out after the honeymoon period.
-
21st May 2024 at 10:44 am #168725AllornothingParticipant
Hi @bluemonkey101, sorry to hear you are going through this but unfortunately I would say this is just the start. His excuses are him not taking accountability for his actions, he is probably manipulating his Mum for sympathy and he will never suffer the consequences for his actions if everyone falls for the sob stories. Yes addition is a problem, but I found that the alcohol was part of the manipulation. I thought there was a good person inside but after years, I came to realise that was an act. The nastiness was in there just waiting to erupt and when it did, alcohol was to blame, couldn’t possibly be him? They are very good are becoming the victim, doesn’t matter that you have been upset, hurt, doubting yourself as it’s not about you, it’s all about him.
Only you can decide what to do and like many of us, we go back again and again until something clicks and we know that enough is enough. As he is with his Mum, I would suggest that you try and get some support, perhaps find a Women’s Centre close to you, let yourself be heard and know your own truth and you have every right to say no and end it. Sending love xx
-
21st May 2024 at 12:06 pm #168728BananaboatParticipant
Walk away. I know it’s hard, I know your heart wants those good times but stop a minute – that ex that gave him a hard time, look again do events sound familiar? What advice would you be giving your child if they were in your shoes?
Look, so many of us here gave them another chance. Thought we were helping them to have a better life or beat addictions. It’s all a facade. Sorry to say you’ve been lovebombed and he’s shown you his truth self – now he’s waiting to see if you’ll take him back / smash your own boundaries for him. Yeah it’ll be nice for a bit if he returns, but it’ll get bad again. Focus on you, or at least take some time before deciding (again notice the pressure to push you to take him back). You’ve got this xx
-
23rd May 2024 at 11:57 am #168780HereforhelpParticipant
Run for the hills… this is the beginning and he is pushing through your boundaries and affecting your MH.
“He’s currently staying at his mums and I am in contact with her, she has said he is in an awful state and devastated and embarrassed about what he has done and that he won’t drink again”…. His mum is feeling sad for her son hence she’s told you how he feels which is all about him feeling bad but he’s not the victim, he choose to drink and act out, that’s on him. Can you go zero contact with him and his mum so that you.can start to recover?
Alcohol doesn’t make him abusive, he makes a.choice as an adult and only he can hold himself accountable for his behaviour and stop it.
The remorseful messages from him are to gain access to you to reel you back in. If you do go back (which many of us do) it might be nice for a little while but he will continue his abuse.and it will likely escalate.
For now, if you can, go zero contact until you decide what you want. You do not owe him or his mum anything, you owe yourself time to heal.
Hugs
HFH ❤️
-
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.