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Just posting on here again as I feel lost and don’t know what I’m doing – finally got my husband to agree to a trial separation and it’s been (detail removed by moderator). Since then he’s literally like a different person – can’t do enough with the kids, really agreeable to everything, giving me loads of space, considerate, sending nice texts during the day and generally being so much better.
We went out for a celebration dinner and got on really well, he ended up coming home with me and now it looks like we’re trying to mend things again.
It’s like I got out briefly but am getting drawn back in again – I know it’s good he’s being like this but I don’t know what to believe or what to trust. I’m still so angry and upset about what he put me through for years. But the kids keep saying they want us to all live together again. I’m trying to get my thoughts straight because I’ve started to feel panicky and trapped but for no reason – and I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. He’s doing everything I wanted him to do! I feel like I should give him a chance for my kids sake – but part of me doesn’t want to. Has anyone else been in this situation, or had an abusive partner who actually changed? -
The anxiety is your gut screaming when he’s near you. Google the cycle of abuse. You’re stuck in the love bombing stage. If you allow him back it will be much harder to get rid of him next time. I would give it two weeks till he reverts to his old ways. If you try telling him it’s definitely over and you will see his true colours. Kids need a stable environment. There’s lots of evidence now of the damage done to children in an abusive relationship. Stunted growth emotionally and damage with shows much later in life. If he’s interested in his children’s happiness he can arrange regular visitation and take an interest in their lives separately. My advice is to stop seeing him socially. It’s confusing for everybody. The stuff he put you through for years is the person he really is and the person who will move back in. They’re Oscar winning actors when they have to be.
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My partner seemed like he was changing when I moved out to give myself a bit of space to think. He didn’t even make it to the end of the trial period I had set in my head. His abuse was more covert when it restarted. More emotional and more subtle. Lots of “I can’t cope without you” and “I need you” and “I supported you through bad times, this is my bad time and I need your support now” type stuff. Lots of guilt trips. I wonder if your partner is doing this – or manipulating your kids to do this – and if that could be why you are feeling panicky.
The thing is, our abusers convince us that they always deserve “one last chance” – only it never is the last chance. There is always one more. Honestly, he should have lost his last chance a long time ago. You don’t have to give him one even if he is doing the right thing. I have been out a couple of years, and in some ways my abuse wasn’t that bad. I understood why he treated me like he did. And I genuinely believe that if he truly wanted to, he had the capacity to change. But if you told me today that he was a changed man, that I could have him back with no abuse, I would still run like hell in the opposite direction. Because he made me feel like s**t. And I would always be waiting for him to do it again. And I was happier on my own than I ever was with him. I can put myself first now. And that’s important. Even now I am dating someone new. I can put myself first. I could never have done that with my abuser. Even if the abuse had stopped.
My advice is stay out. Your freedom is hard won, and you deserve it.
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Thanks I can see why you’re saying that. Yes I have given him a lot of chances and it is like a cycle.
It’s such a huge guilt trip though feeling like I’m breaking up the family and the kids want him around. I don’t really want to meet anyone else. I just want a normal happy family and he seems to now be offering that… -
What he’s offering is a temporary act to reel you back in. Try writing everything he’s done to you and how it’s made you feel. His cycle of abuse will simply continue until you find the strength to break it. Why don’t you continue separately for the next 3 months and monitor things. My gut was screaming don’t let him back but he just took over and moved back in. I was too weak to put up a fight and it all went back to him abusing me very quickly. Kids are resilient and will get used to seeing him whenever it’s agreed. They get friends and lives of their own. Hobbies etc away from the home and it will be you and him?
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If you can’t break away yet I would just set yourself a date that you are absolutely not moving back before.
What I did, and I am not sure I would recommend this, but it seems like you are in a similar situation and it’s at least better than moving back in, was give my partner a deadline where I was absolutely not willing to discuss moving back in. It was exactly half way to the date that I had decided was my absolute earliest point of return. I made it absolutely clear that I would not discuss returning until after this point. It took a couple of weeks for him to realise I was serious about this and stop pressuring me. Then I got a similar period of calm and quiet. And then the pressure was back on, and getting ramped up and up with increasing guilt tripping as we neared the date where, let’s remember, I said I would be willing to start discussing the possibility, not when I would actually move back. I left him before the date I had told him I would make a decision. If he couldn’t respect my need for a bit of headspace before I made the decision, he wasn’t going to respect me if I returned. I think if you employed a similar technique and look at how he acts when you tell him “not now” and “it’s my decision” then you will see his true colours shining through. I think saying that it is not up for discussion for a period of time also helps, because it is an easy way to end conversations about it with him – which makes it easier to see when he is trying to emotionally abuse you or gaslight you about it. And keep notes.
Stay strong, and stay safe.
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Thankyou both, you’ve given me lots to think about and the idea of a time limit is a good one. You both sound really strong and I wish I could be more like that.
I think I’m feeling really guilty now for forcing the separation as he’s now being a model dad and husband. Before this he didn’t do much around the house or with the kids though. It makes me wonder why he couldn’t be so nice before, as he’s obviously capable of it. I’m going to give it a bit longer though, I don’t trust that he’s really changed and even if he had – as you said, I’m not sure I could feel the same about him. -
Look out for the more covert types of abuse. My ex used a lot of guilt tripping when he was being “nice”. Look out for times when he says things that make you feel awful, even if your initial reaction is to think you are the problem – analyse them later, when you are away from his influence. You will probably be able to work out what he was doing – gas lighting, guilt tripping, emotional abuse, love bombing. I suspect that it will be mostly love bombing with a light sprinkling of the others. And lots and lots of boundary crossing.
Do be aware that this tactic puts you at a lot more risk than leaving and going no contact. That’s your safest option, and perfectly reasonable and indeed sensible given all he has put you through. He’s only playing the perfect husband and father to get you back. It’s easier than grooming a new target, but he will return to form once you go back. If he had really cared he would have been that partner and father from the start.
But it’s definitely better than just caving and going back. Really keep your wits about you though. And get yourself out of the situation the minute you start recognising the small red flags. He’s waved enough large red flags in the past that he doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt. Do not wait for the big red flags. Get out at the slightest doubt. Post here if you have any doubts as to whether things are abuse. You are probably still desentised to some of the minor stuff. Stay safe.
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