Should I go back?

[Confused-and-alone]

I don’t know what to do – I left a couple of months ago after another drunken outburst from him. But since I’ve left he’s made real positive changes – he’s admitted he has a drinking problem and has taken enormous steps in cutting that down – he was drinking at a level where he was medically unable to just stop. He’s admitted fault and promised to change. He’s started being a great dad to the kids again on the days he has them whereas when he was drinking he had no interest in me or the children. I’ve spoken to him about some of the awful things he’s said to me and how physically afraid he’s made me in the past and he’s taken it on board and taken responsibility. So do I trust that he can change and give him another chance or will I just find myself back here in anothef year wondering why I went back??

[maddog]

Don’t go back. A couple of months off the grog is no time at all. Don’t let him hoover you up. Please do as much work on yourself as you are able because otherwise you will accept him back and in no time you will be back to square one.

Moving beyond alcohol takes a long time and a great commitment. He has already chosen booze over you. You need to follow your own path of recovery from this relationship and learn how you came to live with someone who was already in a heavy relationship (with alcohol).

Please please don’t go back. You can find appropriate support in real life. Al-anon is a 12 step programme for people who have been in relationships with alcoholics. The Freedom Programme is very good and Women’s Aid have lots of resources. You don’t have to do this on your own.

[KIP.]

The alcohol is not the reason he is abusive. I spent years blaming the alcohol but the truth is that many people drink and are not abusive. He is and abuser. He chooses to abuse you. With or without alcohol he will abuse and continue to abuse. He’s only making an effort because he is being made to and he sees that as his way back into your lives. Do not go back. Nothing with change. It took 2 weeks for things to become abusive again after I separated and reconciled. He has shown you his true colours, believe him x kids need consistency and continuity, not a dad that makes the effort when he feels it’s to his advantage.

[Tiffany]

Even if you had only left because of the alcohol I would say that two months is far too soon to go back. Given that abuse was involved my advice would be not ever to return. I know that drinking can make people bad partners, but I firmly believe that abusers with drink problems are going to remain abusers even off the drink. It’s taken you a huge effort to break free. Don’t go back just because he’s managed a couple of months sober and a couple of dozen days of being good to his kids. You have been good to your kids for thousands of days, regardless of how hard things have been for you. He needs to prove he can be a similarly committed parent before you trust him even a little bit. Maybe if he manages a year or two you can relax your guard against him. But would you really want to return to him even then? Or is it just some sense of guilt or obligation making you think you should return?

[Confused-and-alone]

I really am struggling with the guilt of leaving him – I feel that I’ve upturned everyone’s lives just to make myself happier to the detriment of everyone else’s happiness (by everyone else I mean him and my my children). I go through days at a time of feeling strong and like I can make this work but then I slump back down again into the guilt and worry about what I’m doing to my children and how they’ll never have a whole family again. I’m pretty sure if I went back and just did as I was told I could keep everyone happy but I don’t really want that. I struggle to keep contact with him to a minimum – no contact isn’t an option as we have the children and also a business together which I am slowly trying to extract myself from. He manages to make me feel like I’m being unreasonable if I don’t speak to him even though it makes me feel like rubbish when I do. I know I’m rambling I just have no one to talk to – I feel I’m pissing off the few people who know the truth about my situation by not just ‘getting over it’

[HopeLifeJoy]

You did really well by leaving him, through his abuse he broke the family apart, he if wasn’t abusive you’d probably still be together.
By doing everything he tells you to do is no life, you are not his servant and anyway he won’t be satisfied with anything you do or don’t do because it isn’t about you, it is about his need to abuse you, to put you down, to suffocate your living soul out of you until you’ve got no voice left.
You and your children are much better off like this, safe and free.
There are other mothers on here who share custody of their children and what helped them is to remove themselves from the equation meaning you are no longer in direct contact with him instead you arrange the hand-over through a third party with a contact book depending on the age of the little ones.
You seem to be doing really well with removing yourself from the business, keep going, the rest will fall into place too.
Try using grey rock technique with him if you ever need to be in contact, meaning displaying zero emotions, this is what they feed on, when they don’t get a reaction they get bored.
Keep going darling sending you strength & hugs 💪💞

[Anonymous]

hi. i have just got out of an abusive relationship. the root was alcohol plus him being a compulsive liar. i had all the promises the weeks off the booze him going to zCGL for help. then i found out when i was on nights he would go to his mummys and get leathered. it never stops i wish it did. i hsve done a few posts today. i cant sleep my heads banging thinking what if? if only! bottom line there is only ever one true love and it comes in a bottle. i hope you find your happy but the booze will always be the first love. x*x

[Author]

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