Should I have felt as hurt as I did?

[Indeepindance]

Hi all,

The memories keep surfacing of things he said to me and I can’t decide whether I could or should have let them go.

So one time we were discussing me having given something up at his ‘request’ because he felt it was to blame for our relationship trouble. I was having the odd craving and resenting him for suggesting I should give up completely as I enjoyed it at the weekends.

He then told me he didn’t believe I’d had a proper break from it a previous time as he felt I was struggling too much this time (even though I was managing it, albeit whingeing about it occasionally).

I asked him was he calling me a liar, and he refused to answer but kept repeating he didn’t believe I’d done it. I told him I was upset at that and that he obviously didn’t trust me, again he gave no response, just threw his hands up in the air.

This went on and he pointed out I was hung up on it so clearly guilty. To which I replied okay, you know what you’re right, this isn’t my problem it’s yours, so I’ll agree to disagree and leave that one with you because I know the truth.

And he said, how come you’re able to let it drop so quickly? You’re not being adamant enough that you took a break so you MUST be guilty….

What do you make of that?

Thanks all

Xxxxx

[Bananaboat]

Hello, it’s tricky to know from the detail but if you’re giving something up whether it’s chocolate, drink, drugs, whatever, it’s ok and normal to miss or crave something. That doesn’t automatically mean you do it again and it sounds like he’s gaslighting you a bit here, definitely not being a supportive partner by not believing you or throwing his hands up as if only his view is right.  Plus how do you win here, if you say you did whatever it is then he’d say ‘see, I knew you did it’ but saying you haven’t he’s also saying ‘well denying it means you did it’ – so whatever your answer to him means you drank/smoked/ate whatever it was.

Our brains love to replay stuff trying to make sense of it. Counselling can really help with this. It’s helped me see my feelings were valid and others’ behaviours weren’t ok just like examples like this. Hope you’re ok x

[Indeepindance]

Thanks Bananaboat, this really really helps.

What’s annoying is he also told me I would find it hard, which I did at times (it was (detail removed by Moderator) I enjoyed) but soon as I vocalised I was missing it, he shot me down for it and said just get on with it and stop being so negative.

So yeah cravings are so normal like you said! But he wouldn’t allow me those feelings, partly as I was resenting him for effectively forcing me to give up. (I was told i couldn’t live there if I ever wanted any).

He said I had a problem but with all his superior and personal experience apparently,  I told him if I really did have an addiction, it would’ve been irresponsible and dangerous to make me go cold turkey and without professional support (I was fine as it turns out, no adverse reactions to no drinking at all!) and I realised after a while that what I was missing more was my right to choose, and trust to look after myself which I know I do quite well even without him directing me.

So I got his sentiment around health, but disagreed with his other reasons being our relationship trouble as the control was there in other areas too. I think it just suited him for me to keep bending at his will.

But the constant accusations were killing me and you’re right I felt I could not win, he’d paint me into a corner every time and wanted to scream at him.

Needless to say when I quietly abstained for months, he never acknowledged it, only when I reached for a (detail removed by Moderator) would he leap on me and say are you having a craving?? And actually tell me I must have a problem if I’m drinking the replacements….despite me telling him I still like the flavour, which he always told me was BS, but it’s true.

I think I knew we were doomed when he even said (detail removed by Moderator) indicated I had a problem, I predicted he would say that and thought there is no pleasing this man.

I had counselling today and it does help in the moment- think I’ll be doing it for some time!

Xxxxx

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