Viewing 3 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #139132
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Haven’t been on here for a while. Over (detail removed by moderator) learning to recover from a physically and mentally abusive relationship that lasted (detail removed by moderator). About (detail removed by moderator) I met a lovely supportive new man and spent (detail removed by moderator) together sharing life. Over a period of time things were just not adding up to a healthy place for me so I moved on (detail removed by moderator). I just learned that this nice man actually had another long term partner living (detail removed by moderator) away. Suddenly every time that didn’t add up over the (detail removed by moderator) made sense. I was vulnerable from past experience at the time and was used. Another lesson learned. I feel now I’m in a good place and have the tools to process this and see it for what it was. My dilemma is whether to let the other party know or not. I know I would want to know, I feel a sense of responsibility to inform. I don’t feel any need for revenge or anything like that. Just a need to let her choose her course of life with all the information. I may be clouded by my past experiences and need to be open and honest. Would you want to know or should I let her find out the kind of person she is with? We are all in our (detail removed by moderator) Any advice welcome.

    • #139133
      liftingthefog
      Participant

      Kilngirl,
      That is a difficult dilemma for you and you have rightly questioned your own motivations for doing this.
      I chose to answer because I too am in (detail removed by moderator)  and have just come out of a relationship in my mature years with someone who lied to me from the very start of meeting him. Like you I was vulnerable from a past experience. However it has take me nearly (detail removed by moderator) in this relationship to finally find out the true depths to which he has lied to me, I was completely oblivious until about  (detail removed by moderator).
      Throughout the relationship I have also been financially, physically, emotionally and sexually abused and know it will take me many years to regain any wish or trust myself enough to be with any man.
      I wish that someone had warned me. That is me personally speaking with the benefit of hindsight. I know many would not share this opinion and also they always say ‘blame the messenger’ (wrongly).
      I know your intentions are from a good place but may sadly not be seen that way. I am curious to others opinions on this.
      Keep safe and continue with your healing 🤗
      Xx

      • #139137
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Thank you so much for the reply. I’m so sorry for your experience. Although the most recent scenario of mine doesn’t come close to my past experience I still see it as abuse. To appear so trustworthy and when I was open about my past and have that preyed on. I was always such a private, compliant person. Master of hiding things because i had to just to get through a day. I’m now the opposite and speak openly to friends and family about everything. I just worry that this new found openness is misplaced. I don’t want to hurt anyone – I never do. I haven’t done anything wrong and understand the potential backlash. But I know myself and know the truth. It kills me that another woman is oblivious. If I were in her shoes years ago I wouldn’t believe me anyway and that’s what long term manipulation does to you. It’s really hard for me. I also have no idea of her own support network. Much love to you. xx

    • #140139
      Florencelaine@10
      Participant

      Hi, I felt the same, should I warn them (some women I believe were happy to be in his ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ but I now realise there were other women who he groomed). Then I read somewhere on this site that while we are thinking about such a plan, we are actually taking the focus off ourselves and our own recovery. If word got back to the abuser, he could make life very difficult. Every day free of the abuser is a step to wholeness and wellbeing. xx

    • #140218
      GalaxyHoney
      Participant

      I want to say “yell it from the rooftops” tell everyone you know and then accost total strangers and tell them too, BUT I am not going to say that at all.

      The most important relationship we will will ever have in our entire lives is the one we have with ourselves. We owe it to us to love us. We must – probably for the first time in a long time – put us first. If you share the information you hold, you are at risk. Your recovery is at risk and that’s not worth damaging. x

Viewing 3 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content