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    • #111429
      Better-days
      Participant

      Bear with me this is my first post and I will try and not rabble. My partner had a bad temper years ago a mixture of therapy and maturing it got better. He’s always been cheeky and rude but I could handle that. I fell pregnant a few years ago he started having an affair I was devastated when I found out I though I was going to die with the pain but when my son was born he was all that mattered to me as long as he was ok nothing else mattered. The affair continued and after a while I didn’t care and loved the fact I didn’t care I was happy so was he and so was our son. Well that must be over now and he wants us to just go back to like nothing happened I told him numerous times I can’t he comes up touched kisses me ect he says I go completely cold when he does which is true I can’t stand it he knows this yet continues to do it. He moany rude disrespectful and now moans whenever I say I’m going anywhere when before I could have went anywhere and would be fine I feel trapped alone and desperate to leave. The big problem is my son keeping him happy is my main priority he’s the world to me. My partner says if I leave our son is staying with him. I tried to leave (detail removed by moderator) while our son was at his grans and he flipped out smashed stuff grabbed me down the (detail removed by moderator) smashed my phone screaming no one will ever take his son. All I want is to leave and both work so our son is least affected and has a good relationship with both but looks like that’s can’t happen. The thought of my son being involved in this is too much for me to cope with. Anyone with advice I would be grateful

    • #111432
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello Better-days and welcome. My advice is that yes you should definitely leave this toxic and abusive relationship, however as this is the most dangerous time for a woman to leave an abuser, you need support. Please contact your local women’s aid for support and a safe exit plan. He’s been leaving you alone as he’s been getting his own way, this isn’t a healthy partnership. however now that you’re not behaving the way he wants his abuse will get worse. Keep a detailed Secret journal and consider reporting his behaviour to the police if it’s safe for you to do so. Either way you need to get his behaviour logged with your GP or someone you trust. This will become really really important for child custody and access. You simply cannot negotiate with an abuser, and abusing you this way is also child abuse. Have you read Living With The Dominator by PatCraven? You may already have very good reasons to withdraw contact. Abusers don’t care about their children. They simply see them as a means to control the mother. A good father never abuses the mother of his child. There’s also a National domestic abuse helpline number where you can talk through your options. There are way to protect your child from this man and threatening to take your child is a very common tactic that abusers use. This threat alone shows how unsuitable he is as a father. Try to get some free legal advice from a family solicitor and Rights of Women offer free legal advice too. The lines may be busy but keep trying. This man sounds dangerous. His entitled behaviour is very typical of an abuser and you do not need to accept it. It’s wrong. Illegal and dangerous to you and your son. Is there somewhere safe you can go? Leave important papers with friend or family members like passport and marriage certificate and a change of clothes. Keep your mobile phone fully charged and on you at all times. I’m not sure if you still live together but start looking at other accommodation. Women’s Aid may be able to help with a refuge in the meantime and dial 999 the next time he kicks off x stay safe x

    • #111434
      Better-days
      Participant

      Thanks very much for reply…wow its so hard just hearing the reality of it. My son has a great relationship with all my his dads family it’s making it so difficult keeping my son happy is just all that matters to me. I will go to doctors yes we live together we Own our house together I used to think this is my sons home I could never take him away from his home but day by day I get a tiny bit stronger thanks again x*x

    • #111436
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Better-days. I stayed with my ex for decades for the sake of my kids. When I finally left, I realised that I should have done it years ago. Abusers will often abuse all of those around them. Mine needed to control the whole family and it had an impact on my children that I only understood just recently. I should have left when they were little to protect them from him.

      KIP has given you really good advice. When she gave me the same advice I remember thinking that it all sounded a little dramatic but I followed it anyway as she was clearly speaking from past experience. I’m so glad I did follow that advice. As predicted, the abuse escalated once he knew I wanted to leave – not physically but emotionally. He tried to turn my adult children against me and for a very short while, he almost succeeded.

      For the childrens sake, I should have left years ago. Any father who tries to use his children as a weapon against you is not a fit father. Children are precious and for living and caring, they are not pawns in his game and if he’s treating your child as though he is a pawn, then he doesn’t care about the impact of that. You are not doing your child any favours by exposing him to his father. xx

    • #111445
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Better-days

      You’ve had great advice from KIP and Eggshells.

      Although you don’t say this, new posters often say what a great dad the abuser is. They believe they should try to work things out, stay together for the sake of the children – with the dads who sweep in and only do the fun stuff, make them laugh, tell them about their silly/stupid/fat mummy. Generally speaking, children will love their fathers no matter what they do. The atmosphere at home is all they know. It will be normal. I would think the sooner you can get away the better.

      Wishing you luck x

    • #111448
      KIP.
      Participant

      The trouble is your son is not okay. We minimise Abuse and the longer it goes on the worse it gets. You may feel he’s okay but that’s because Abuse is becoming normal. Your son needs a happy healthy confident mum, your abuser is robbing him of this and will do his best to drive a wedge between you both. Contact your local women’s aid. You won’t regret it.

    • #111451
      Camel
      Participant

      Well put KIP. I grew up in a home with frequent toxic rows, always started by my mother who was (is) a master of silent treatment. As kids we tiptoed round her, became invisible in an attempt not to provoke her irrational rages. We thought it was our fault. We thought it was normal. We never spoke about it outside the home – the unwritten rule. Whatever form abuse takes the child will always internalise it and modify their own behaviour in an effort to keep the peace.

      Better-days, you’re only at the beginning of a long journey. I doubt any of us wakes up one day over-flowing with strength and resolve. Use the little bit of strength you do have to make contact with WA. It will be easier when someone has your back.

    • #111490
      Better-days
      Participant

      Thanks very much I will definetly contact woman’s aid xx

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