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    • #123519
      Qrst1234
      Participant

      My children have twice weekly contact with their father, for a very short period it was ok, in the past 2/3 months my youngest has been hard to settle when home, poor sleep, anxiety, sore tummies. They see a therapist once a week to help with this. My oldest is usually steady as a rock with emotions but has been teary and hard to get info from her. (Removed by moderator) ago she wrote a letter to me saying she wishes we could swap bodies so I could see how mean her daddy is to her and about me (her mum) apparently he talks non stop about me, she said it isn’t always mean, it’s just constant. I get the impression that he is still playing the victim and blaming me for ruining the family etc etc (the usual stuff they say).

      Accept now I’m wrecked with guilt, I now have a physical piece of paper that shows my daughters distress and what am I actually doing about it? I sent a text to him telling him to stop and he totally ignored it- not even a reply to deny it or anything.

      What do I do? I don’t think the kids want to stop seeing him, infact I know they don’t because they feel guilty even if they don’t see him on one occasion for some reason.

      I feel really helpless again. My heart breaks for my children, I cannot bear him emotionally manipulating and abusing them like this.

    • #123560
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yes alienation is really damaging, it’s emotional abuse, it robs children of their childhood, self esteem, it leads to anger, self isolation, blocks bonding, it disables you as their helper. It’s awful and is not taken seriously in family court or by Cafcass. It’s hard to prove, so keep a record of everything they say. I did, had a lot of this documented, but the Cafcass officer refused to acknowledge it or even look at it when I tried to put this forward.

      Perhaps call the NSPCC for advice?

      Sadly, it seems to me that abusive father’s can and do often get away this. Your gut instinct is spot on, they need protecting; but the law is on his side if you remove them, especially if they want to see him – this would be traumatic.

      Rock and hard place for sure. Pull in as much support as you can for you and for them, make sure they know the childline number, they could call the NSPCC too; talk about strategies they can employ when with dad – equip them. Teach them they have boundaries and these need to be respected, and this includes dad. It can be a growth learning, but this takes time. I found an excellent book recently called, Can we talk about consent?’ – this has helped us enormously.

      You could also call children’s services and discuss your concerns with them, see what they advise; I absolutely 100% regret not doing this myself when it all started – it didn’t even eneter my head to do so, but years later I can now see this is exactly what I should have done, but this said, would they have been any help or not? Sometimes they can be, othertimes not so much or they can even make it worse. Guess I will never know. But, if you have these concerns they are supposed to be the people we call for help.

    • #123845
      Qrst1234
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your reply. Unfortunately over the course of this week it has escalated and today I’ve received a letter from his solicitor which is stating a level of contact which I feel is too much and I think the outcome will be when I disagree that I will be threatened with court. My eldest tonight has been very upset and has just journaled that she worries her dad will take her away from her mum, she also wrote that sometimes she worries he will hurt her.

      It’s absolutely awful that my child’s words will be ignored and due to being unable to afford a solicitor but earning too much to gain legal aid, I will have to give in. Perpetrators will really not give up until they’ve stripped you of every last thing.

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