Should you ever apologise?

[Fallingleaves]

So me and my (verbally abusive and volatile) ex are on good terms at the moment. For a while now I’ve felt like I want to apologise for hurting him (by leaving with 2 small children) at the time I had also met someone which I completely denied and was dishonest about because I was so terrified of what he would do.
I’d like to just finally say “I recognise that I hurt you and im sorry” without any excuses or conversations or blaming etc.
is that ever a good idea? I worry he’ll hear it wrong and take it as me accepting his behaviour with his reactions to the break up. I do still care about him and I genuinely want him to know that im sorry.
It’s completely occupying my mind, help! Anyone else been in this position?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fallingleaves

Did you not leave as a result of his abuses? Would you have left in this way had he not been abusive? Would you have needed to leave like this if he’d not been abusive?

You’ll see by reading the forum how many women do feel very bad about this, feeling they are betraying, but this is what desperate measures are required in these situations, and I would say not something to be sorry for, as you didn’t engineer the situation, it was your only means of putting an end to the abuse and protecting you all surely?

I am not sure it would help anyone for him to know you were seeing someone else, although I understand why you feel this guilt and wish to apologise for your actions. I don’t believe it will help anything for him to know, andpotentially cause a rapid escalation?

Part of having your extra relationship was taking responsibility for that, and having to answer to yourself for your feelings about it.

I don’t know if, even under ‘normal’ circumstances I would feel it needed to be revealed once it had become irrelevant. I would advise coming to terms with it for yourself; he’s not your best friend you left for good reason and he can’t be trusted, and not to give in to your urge to come clean about this.

What do you think?

[Grey Rock]

Hmmm. Well you leaving may have been painful for him, but it was a consequence of his choices. Abusers don’t tend to accept responsibility for their own actions and choices, and if you apologize for leaving and him being hurt it’s likely to reinforce this. Also, you may be on okay terms at the moment, but is this likely to be a constant ongoing thing? I think you’d be opening yourself up to him using that against you in the future. Also, just starting a conversation like that is an invitation to opening the topic of your relationship with him, what happened, and what went wrong. Ewww!!

I really don’t think it’s a good idea. And you don’t owe him an apology. His actions. His consequences. You did what you needed to to get through.

GR

[Eyesopening]

Hey I totally agree with the others.
Think about why you want to say sorry to him?
What would it achieve?
A great book to read is You can heal you life by Louise Hay. She gives exercises for forgiveness, forgiveness to others and yourself.
It may be that you need to forgive yourself.
X*x

[KIP.]

Don’t do it. He will use it to justify further abuse and throw it in your face any chance he gets. Work on absolutely zero contact. It’s concerning that you still feel this way and it shows you’re still extremely vulnerable. Have you had any counselling?

[liftingthefog]

Yes so sorry but I have to agree with the others.
Until I was in an abusive relationship I would have like you thought honesty and transparency were the route to building bridges and a solid relationship.
However an abuser is NOT honest, they rarely acknowledge their own behaviour or show any genuine remorse.
You telling him will only be saved and used against you to minimise and deflect blame from his own wrong doings.
I regret how open and transparent I was with my husband, virtually absolutely all information I gave him (no matter how innocent) was used as power and knowledge to be weaponised against me at a future date.
Inflate your own life raft because he won’t inflate it for you. 🙏🤗

[ISOPeace]

I agree with the other comments. An apology is to show the other person, and yourself, that you take responsibility for your actions, and maybe to give some explanation to the other person to help them understand. But normal rules dont apply when there’s abuse….
1. He knows why you left. He will pretend he doesn’t and it really wasnt so bad. But he knows for the same reason abusers deny what they do and only do it in private. They know it’s not OK. You don’t need to explain it to him and if you do he’ll use it as an opportunity to gaslight/manipulate you.
2. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing to take responsibility for. You took yourself and your kids to safety. That is 100% reasonable and you don’t have to explain or justify that to anyone.
3. Apologies are only genuine if they’re honest and authentic. The honest words would be “I’m sorry you were so upset when I left after you forced me to choose between mine and the children’s safety/wellbeing and your happiness”. OK so maybe you wouldn’t use those exact words but any apology that is truly genuine can’t ignore the fact that you didn’t simply walk out on a relationship, you escaped abuse. You acted out of survival. If you allude to the abuse he will use it against you somehow.
4. Ask yourself why you feel the need to apologise. If after reading through everything above you still want to apologise, you most likely want his forgiveness. But he won’t forgive you, not genuinely. It’ll just be another way to hold power over you. And wanting his forgiveness might suggest there is still some trauma bonding. Because you do not owe an apology for choosing your safety over his want to abuse you.

It must be a horrible feeling but I really think apologising will bring more pain than what you’re feeling now. Sending love xxxx

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you SO MUCH for all of your answers and for taking the time to reply. Every single one of them is so helpful, im so glad I posted here. As soon as I read them I thought what an earth was I thinking with opening up that type of conversation. Most of what you’ve all said is what I try and say to myself, I just find it really easy to get pushed off track as I’m still carrying around so much guilt and still find myself wanting to please him/be friends with him etc. but you’re all completely right in what you say about the way an apology would come across and what good it would really do.
I have to remember that as soon as things aren’t going his way he becomes abusive and threatening, it’s just so hard to remember it when he’s being nice. Ugh, I hate it!
I feel like I’m still under his control (we have children together) but it’s really just an emotional thing I need to try and conquer going forward. I’ve got therapy this week so I’ll speak to her about it too.

Again, thanks so much for your replies, it has really helped me.

[KIP.]

If there has to be contact then use a third party for all contact. Any direct contact is toxic. I’d be fighting with all my strength to keep him away from my children. He’s toxic and will destroy them too just to see you suffer.

[Ariel]

I don’t think it’s a good idea. He won’t take it as you want it ment. He may even think you want him back. He probably thinks he’s done no wrong and you saying sorry will black that up in his eyes.

[Author]

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