Shouting

[Optimystic]

He’s filled with rage after I calmly called him out for double standards. A rule that he applied to me (detail removed by moderator) doesn’t apply to him today. He filled with rage, screamed at me to (detail removed by moderator) and slammed the door so hard in my face that I thought it would break. Stomps around shouting. My heart was in my mouth and I still feel sick in my stomach. Why do I feel so scared? Feel utterly pathetic tbh. Especially compared to what others suffer. I think it’s me, I’m probably really annoying and naggy. Was I point scoring? 🙈. Confused again.

[Hawthorn]

What he is doing is abusive. You pointed out his double standards-one rule for you, another for him, and he responded with rage. The screaming, stomping and banging doors is designed to intimidate you. To make you think twice before you question his authority again. You are right to be scared. The slamming of doors/furniture is to frighten you; look how strong I am. I could nearly break this door, imagine what I could do to you…
Your body is telling you how frightened you are. Heart pounding, sick stomach, feeling terrified. Listen to your gut. He is dangerous. Throwing a tantrum like a toddler when you’re a grown man is appalling and terrifying behaviour.
None of this is your fault. Whatever you do or dont do is irrelevant. He will keep moving the goalposts and will always find something to rage at you about. Especially if you (god forbid) might be happy for any reason. They can only feel secure when we are insecure. Like he’s just made you feel.
Do not confront him about his behaviour. It is pointless and could be very dangerous. He will sense you’re seeing behind the mask, he may escalate the abuse or start love-bombing you. Keep a journal and notice the cycle. Take the very best care xx

[gettingtired]

I agree with everything Hawthorn has said.
No, you’re not annoying or naggy and even if you were that’s a totally disgraceful way for him to respond.
I’ve lost my patience before and pointed out the double standards and like you had a rage explosion OR him sulking like a child.
I agree there’s no point confronting and it could be dangerous to do so x*x

[Hetty]

Raging like that is absolutely terrifying. I’ve been there. It makes it hard to think or breath. Only now am I seeing the real impact of this sustained emotional trauma. It’s pointless calling them out. It doesn’t make any difference. Even if they do agree with you at the time (never happened with me) they make you pay at a later point. Save your energy for focusing on yourself and getting out. Take care and keep posting. You could be mother Theresa and these men will find fault xx

[Optimystic]

Thank you very much guys. I was sitting thinking about all of the reasons why I’m so bad to get such a reaction and you have helped me see clearly again. And I understand why I feel sick and scared. I only said something because it was a rule he placed on me. It wasn’t a mutual agreement. He told me I wouldn’t be doing something. I normally keep my mouth shut, I don’t know what possessed me. I really appreciate, and need your insights when it gets so confusing and scary. Thank you, and all take care too xx 😊

[Hawthorn]

You were possessed by your fighting spirit! How dare he tell you what to do! Dont beat yourself up for standing up for yourself, it’s just that with men like this it is pointless. Talking to them is screaming into the void.
Hetty is right, keep that energy and fight for yourself, use it to power you out of this situation. Dont waste it on him, he has taken enough of your time and energy.xx

[Optimystic]

Thanks Hawthorn. I do have fighting spirit and I always have, you’re right! He’s sucking it out of me. I’m going to do just that, save it for getting out ❤️

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

From my experience shouting is one of the most common forms of abuse and often one of the ones that is overlooked. I know all the ladies on here will understand the fear and intimidation it can strike into a person. My ex would shout stamp slam for minuscule things! Such as we didn’t have the bread in that he liked or one time I didn’t put his lunch on for him he lost it and started ranting and raving. It’s a tactic they use to show us “you must do these things on MY time, not when you feel like it” amongst other things. It’s vile and because of the constant shouting I suffered growing up and with my ex it now gives me anxiety to hear anyone raise their voice, even if it isn’t directed at me. You’re not pathetic at all. You felt those feelings because of your fight of flight response which is built into us. You shouldn’t have to live a life like that.

[Hetty]

You can do this! Harness your inner fighting spirit. Don’t waste it on him. You’ll never win. These men lie, twist and manipulate. You can’t reason or negotiate. You can’t plead with them to see sense. Their own warped sense of reality is all they’re interested in and when they do know the truth they don’t care because they have to maintain power and control. It never changes. My ex had an appalling row with a family member not long before I left. I was both disturbed and dumbfounded at how he changed the events in his mind. It made me sick to my stomach. I have left so much behind and I might not recoup my financial losses but I’d give it all away and more to be rid of him. It’s like prising a demon from my back!
Journal if you can. You’ll see the patterns Xx

[Optimystic]

Thank you so much. And my goodness, I’m being love bombed. I can’t believe it. There’s no remorse, no apology. My son was lovebombed first. Then me. Incredible. How do you deal with it? Also, the original point of the explosion has been twisted slightly. 🤔

[Hetty]

Continue to see the love bombing for what it is. Know that’s it’s all part of the abuse cycle. It’s not real. You’ll see the pattern. Before long the tension will start again.
I appeased my ex and never told him of my intentions. I planned my exit in secret and kept a low profile. I stopped arranging family time because he’d go off on one. I did what I could to keep the house calm until I got out. Stay focused and in the reality xx

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