Showing his true colours

[Peacethroughhealing]

Not too long a go now my partner did a terrible thing to me. He has been a little bit abusive in the past but he is a recovering alcoholic and, not having been in a relationship someone who has verbally abused me before, I put it down to his medication and being sober for a while. Since the incident I mentioned at the start he as withdrawn from me and blanked me for a time when I tried to contact him to try and understand and get closeness from him as my emotions were all over the place. Now that he has started to be in touch again a little bit he is much worse and is not the kind, sweet man he portrayed himself to be it would seem. His true colours are showing now and I wonder if that is it now. As I have seen him almost at his worst, that he doesn’t bother trying anymore because I’m still here. I decided tonight that I don’t want to be with him anymore because he used to give me all of his time and now since the incident before he keeps making excuses not to see me and I think maybe because he can’t live with himself and when he looks at me it reminds him of what he is and what he did. He just goes out doing his job and (detail removed by moderator) like he’s the nicest man in the world. He has a very sociable job and he’s out smiling and chatting and I am getting all the c**p at the moment. I have supported him in his recovery and got him more work under my reputation and now I feel he has just used me and climbed over the top of me to get better and get more work. I’ve let him make me feel ill with his actions and have really struggled in my own job. His parents are almost ‘normalising’ it saying that we know he has issues! I’ve filled out a police form to find out if he has had previous for verbal and physical abuse but I suppose at the end of the day the fact is is that it’s not right what he’s doing now regardless if he has done it before. I feel so hurt, angry and let down by him. He has changed his loving nature after what he did to me as if he should be the one suffering. All I get now are put downs and sarcasm. He’s broken my heart and my emotions are all over the place and I’ve not been eating or sleeping properly. (Detail removed by moderator) I decided I can’t do it anymore. We were supposed to meet and he cancelled on me again blaming (detail removed by moderator) when I have a very strong suspicion that his preference has been to watch the football with his dad rather than come and see me to try and talk about what happened and address things because despite everything I still love him.

[fizzylem]

Hello PTH, sounds like you’re trying to hang on in there hoping for a brighter day? That he will come round and be the loving person you once experienced. You say you’ve seen him at his worst – does this frighten you?

Thinking that when anyone is developing a relationship and we see them at their worst this can either be tolerable or a deal breaker. Its not until we have seen our partner at his worst that we know what this worst looks like. Some people when they get angry dont really blow that much at all hey, so we come to feel safe, anger is expressed and conveyed with respect, its not a vile attack on someone.

Healthy relationships are consistant, you come to know what you can expect from one another, you respect one another, there’s is no messing you around, communication is open and two way – not hearing this at all PTH.

Wonder if you’re feeling between a rock and a hard place, that you know the relationship is not right but you want to give him chance to put it right, only he’s avoiding having an open and honest conversation with you hey.

I’m also wondering if the problem could be that you need to tell him to swing his hook after how he’s behaved, and because you haven’t he’s lost respect; you’re trying to get that back but unfortunately the only way to do this is to tell him it’s done. Neither of you can change what has happened, he has failed to respected your boundaries and by continuing to want to be with him this only says ‘it’s ok to treat me this way’. So sorry flower. We all deserve to be seen and treasured for who we are (Lundy Bancroft said this) – and its so true!

It’s interesting that you haven’t actually said what he has done, not that I need to know at all, more that I’m wondering if this feels shameful? So you’ve purposely left this out? I could be wrong of course but I feel like I’m picking up shame, lots of women experiencing DA feel shame at some point. If it is, know this, this is not your fault, you have nothing to feel shameful about, he’s the one who has acted terribly here, when all you’ve tried to do is offer help and a close adult relationship. Thinking he needs to get himself sorted, before he pulls anyone into his s**t. He doesnt sound free to love to me. Keep posting xx

[diymum@1]

i can only give my take on this and this is how i honestly felt as at the very end i was the one who was initially rejected (he did the same then tried to come back) i felt that i had invested in him – i helped him through 2 decades of ??mental illness hmm i had two kids to him and brought them up more or less alone (he was there in body not in mind) lol

so when i was basically dumped like a hot potatoe – instead of holding on to my dignity (which i had already lost to him)i pleaded with him to stay – at the time i was broken. rejection is a further insult to our (very fragile at this point) sense of self. i personally felt abandoned and back stabbed. i did end up taking back control because he came back for a short time and i took the decision to end things. I didnt really understand why like i do now but i did know in my gut i had to preserve what little dignity i still had. it was the best decision of my life xx im pouring my heart out here hope all of that made some sense 🙂 xx love diy mum

[teabag]

Great advice I got here. Read you post and imagine it was someone else.
What would you tell them?

He’s throwing you crumbs and being disrespectful.

When people show you who they are believe them the first time.

You deserve better cut all ties go NO CONTECT. He sounds like he will ruin you. Red flags everywhere.

I repeat….You deserve better

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thanks for replying to my post. Fizzylem he held me in a car for 6 hours driving home from the south to the north. He went on and on and on at me and didn’t let me speak. If I spoke he would pull over onto the hard shoulder of the motorway and sit until i listened to him going over the same story. I know what he is saying is about him and how he feels about himself. That is NOT an excuse at all, I am just saying that I acknowledge this now that it’s about how he feels about himself. He pulled my hair about in the car and threatened to crash it and take me with him. I was crying and pleading with him to take me back home and he was just so out of it. He is on medication for his recovery from drinking and had no sleep and hadn’t eaten that morning so was far from in a good place although since what he did to me in the car I have not eaten or slept properly but I would still not treat someone that way. He is still in control of that. His parents almost ‘normalise’ it as they have seen his temper before when they have supported him through recovery and they just say they know he has issues but that’s a pretty extreme issue that he has to do what he did to me in the car. So now I just feel that I’m the one in contact with him to try and talk about things and he keeps blanking me or agreeing to meet up and then cancelling. Yet he works in the same industry as me and this morning I came in to find breakfast on my desk and then lunch was left for me later. That’s not what I need, I need to sit down and talk to him and he should be on his knees and coming running to me. Maybe he will do now that I’ve decided not to have anymore contact with him as my health is starting to suffer and my work and I can’t have that in my life. Before, although not acceptable, the abuse was ‘manageable’ but the car incident was on another level and the fact that he is able to turn his anger on and off and speak to other people differently lets me know that it is abuse. But I still love him that is the really sad thing.

[Iwantmeback]

Trust your gut, if he’s showing his true colours, he’s definately feeling invincible that nothing he says or does will be bad enough fir you to show there are consequences for his behaviour. We get so used to their behaviour, we literally put up with their c..p for so long, it becomes normalised. Eventually sinethibg wakes us up and we choke to three end of the line. Whether he leaves or you do isn’t the issue, getting closure that’s a different ball game. With these men sometimes closure isn’t an option, just getting free of them is the most important thing we can do for ourselves.. don’t let him s..k you back in(hoover) once he deems you’ve had enough of his bad behaviour and he thinks you’re getting ready to bale, that’s when he’ll ramp up mr nice guy. Cur him loose now, walk away, go no contact. Love yourself my friend, you really do deserve so much better.💜💚

IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Love that line TB, ‘when people show you who they are believe them the first time’ x

DM – can so relate, thanks for reminding me by putting yourself up and out there. Love your honesty and that you bare all in an attempt to help us all. It really does mean a lot and helps a great deal. I think ‘The pain of rejection’ is a big factor in why we stay for so long, it is this we try to avoid feeling, they play with our minds and leave us feeling dumped as this leaves them feeling in control! If we could embrace this feeling, see it for what it is and move on regardless, learn it’s ok to feel this way and how to handle ourselves when it happens, I think it would save us all a heap of heart ache x*x

PTH – well that sounds terrifying to me! It is no bad thing that you love/d him, it shows you that you are capable of big love! Of loving someone unconditionally and this is a beautiful thing. The problem was never your love. Be with your sadness, it helps, its a process, reflection and time is needed xx

IWMB – so true – a totally risky place to be for sure – a sitting duck position really – completely vulnerable. How horrid that a woman is attacked when what she really needs is love and protection when she is vulnerable, leaves me sick to the stomache knowing that we have all been here and that others will surley follow. We’ve got to stand together and always try to help empower our sisters! Take this vow xx

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