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    • #170691
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      Things are either eerily calm or bad. So tired of being surprised by his outbursts.
      Worked together (detail removed by Moderator). Things have been quiet. A couple of times he’s started talking about third parties that we have trouble with. Lumping me in with them. Saying things like you people, or you humans. I’ve just walked away from it.

      (detail removed by Moderator) something happened that set him off. Nothing I had done again. But it opened up an excuse I guess to criticise and start telling me I should be doing certain things. When I say I have done these things I get told I haven’t done them the right way. He gets very animated, throwing arms around, jeering at me etc. Telling me I am not a woman or I am gutless and I should be like this or that person.

      I tried to remain calm and asked him to stop as I did not want to keep hearing it. I apologised if I hadn’t done what he wanted but said that I thought what I had done was acceptable. I told him he has said he does not want to hear about how I’m feeling and that is fine but I don’t want him making me feel worse. He pushes and pushes and continues saying what he’s saying. I remind him of an incident where he’d asked someone to leave him alone and they wouldn’t, and he said he’s not the same as that person and I said I am comparing the situation and not the person. I am trying so hard not to end up in a full blown argument as I can’t keep doing it. And then he has the nerve to suggest I’m now going to ruin the weekend by sulking!

      I don’t see a way back for us at all but can get sucked in talking about something I have and enjoy. It makes me sick when I think of him talking about plans for this subject, and doing things next year. It’s playing with me but then I let it happen as why am I still here anyway?

    • #170708
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      That talking of the future plans is called breadcrumbing or future faking – it keeps you tied in to them. But in all honesty I bet those things won’t even happen.

      My ex did this same trick of talking about others and likening me or saying things like people like you. He hated all women, all people in certain groups or workplaces etc. Or he’d say nasty things and say you/we aren’t like that. I now know these tales probably included things he was doing as they love to boast but know they can’t say they cheated/stole or whatever. I see now this happened more when I was getting fed up and thinking of leaving. They discard us too.

      It also sounds like he’s picking a fight with you – probably to get out of something you have planned or so he can go out drinking with his mates all night. In which case you could’ve said the sky is blue and he’d have argued until the cows came home that you’re wrong.

      sorry this is your weekend, hopefully you can have a bit of you time and his tantrums don’t get worse xx

    • #170709
      Karisqq
      Participant

      I’m sorry that’s your weekend. Yes it seems very anxious since you always have to prepare for his “surprise”, and whenever it happens it’s like a battle you got to control yourself and solve the mess after that. It’s so annoying when he accused you things that is not true, bc you hardly can explain since he means to make you feel like you can’t verbalise yourself. Since he is not being logical, so you can’t explain with logics. Not expecting them to be logical and reasonable might help since you won’t be disappointed by his unreasonable words.

      He may be blaming you, but you don’t have to blame yourself. You can feel angry and upset, but don’t put all the blame on yourself. Remember you have tried your best. X

    • #170713
      Sad and alone
      Participant

      Thank you @Bananaboat boat for giving me a name for this behaviour. Breadcrumbing. It’s horrible because when the future is spoken about I start thinking how maybe I can make things work. Maybe it IS me, and I DO need to change. Maybe I am this bad person after all. Because I want the things that are in this future. It’s things I love, things I love to do. But I want to love them with someone that I love, and who loves me. It makes it even harder when something like I’ve described in my first post happens as then the future and dreams disappear. And then he’ll start saying about things next year, next season… and we go around again.

      • #170717
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Glad I could help. It feels crazy when you’re in it, but remember he’s learning what makes you tick and using that to get what he needs.  In the early days if you liked butterscotch ice cream, omg so did he or you said you liked white roses surprise – he got you your favourite flowers as a gift. It hooked us in because they like the same thing or know is so well.

        This is an extension of that. He’s got us – now how to keep us. It’s actually cruel when you think about it, knowing we want someone to travel with, retire to the beach with, buy a house with, get married to, go dancing with whatever our dreams are and they use that against us to keep us (their supply). It helped me to look back and recall some of those promises. I saw how he’d played along and I realised all the lies & excuses he’d told me. How I’d stayed hoping these things would happen as promised. Don’t stay for the ‘what could be’, judge it on what you know & the how it is xx

      • #170721
        Sad and alone
        Participant

        It’s easier seeing it now I have a name for it. Now I can think to myself this is just him doing this thing.

        It is horrible. He says about retiring near (detail removed by Moderator) and it all sounds so nice and you obviously want that but if the flip side is you will always be treated in the way you have you need to realise it’s not going to work. This will help me now.

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