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I made a meal for just a part of the family (other kids out) and i told everyone to eat it as a tv dinner, that way i don’t have to stare at him at the table, i hate eating in the dining room with him.
So this tv dinner helped a bit, he had to put food in his mouth and chew, no chance to sigh, then my child disappeared to play and he got disappointed to see him leave to play, haha! My child knows better than to waste time hoping for a pleasant evening…i took advantage of the situation and left too to enjoy making…a lovely creative activity.
Then i escaped again to fetch another child in town.On my return i asked a question he has been avoiding for a long time. This lead to a typical scenario from Lundy Bancroft’s book. It made me feel terrible again because of the projection and twisting techniques used in front of my family but i knew how to recognize them and though it would have been enough to make me go mad again, i managed to walk away after a while.
Tomorrow i am ringing the estate agents and writing to my solicitor. He is away so i will use the available free time to get back in touch with the agents i invited a year ago. A year ago…yes, a year ago…i know he is manipulating me. He wants me totally silent, he likes that, it’s so empty here, what kind of a marriage is that? I will never be happy nor free to think happy thoughts while i live with that…(swear swear swear!!!) control and power…i am so close maybe to understand the finite reasons why abusers need those two things to mince you alive, annihilate you, twist you dry to a pulp, make you give up or turn crazy, doped up on antidepressants, or turn to alcohol or drugs…
White Rose, you commented i am psyching myself up to leave this relationship…i came back from the refuge to protect my kids AND to face the situation full on. I can’t carry on like this, the abuse is turning into something else, something new, a new tool for him to test on me, to twist every possible nail in my skin while making me sound like the loony one in front of my kids.
Leap of faith. Tomorrow i will decide for good.
I now hate this house, the garden, the wasted dream I thought we had as a goal. Somehow I can live, manage, be strong alone, I pity him and his sad lonely desperate life. I would hate to be him, truly and honestly.
He nearly makes me feel like women are a total waste, that they are uncontrolled, psychologically deranged, useless rubbish on earth, that the only worthy human beings are men, only men…i dont want to be alive with a ball and chain like him zapping all the joy I know how to share with others…i want to count the number of times I truly smiled, not the number of times I nearly went down in despair.
I must live up to my new name, Bridget Jones is free.
Oh tonight was an eye opener, and it takes him seconds to reveal what he is, what he doesn’t realise is it takes me milliseconds to recognize it! No more games of ping pong, no more waiting, no more waste of life, I want my kids to see who I truly am. I dont feel proud to be his wife, I prefer being me.
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It makes me sad and angry to think about what happened to me, to find eventually a label to this pain and misery I thought was normal between two different people, I chose to marry a man who cheated me out of the best years of my life, who got me to bring into this world children who suffered, became traumatised, anxious, how can you live knowing you caused all that damage…
I hope he spends his entire life sighing alone.
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You sound so strong! I’m impressed and proud to know you albeit through written word only.
You said he’d cheated you out of the best years of your life – try not to think that you’ve got years of great things ahead of you and the bad memories will fade maybe wont disappear but they will be overpowered by good things.
Let us know how you get on with solicitor and agent and don’t wimp out! -
Glad you mentioned the sighing. My abuser did it all the time and now one of my ‘work colleagues who uses bullying behaviours and tools’ regularly sighs when in my (and probably others) presence.
The ‘sighing’ when in our presence is just another tool from their toolkit. Their tool kit of ‘hostile tones of voices’, hostile looks (towards us), ‘silent treatment’, cruel, nasty words, yada, yada, yada. They all went to the same abuser-school. None of these abusers are unique. They are all the same. As my barister said he is’a complete waste of space’.
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Sighing. Because you aren’t pleading and trying to reason with him anymore, and as we know, they never intended to make the effort to behave reasonably.
So he has no reasonable words to offer. He can only sigh, and he is doing this to try and provoke a response from you. He can’t bear the silence because then he had to think about all he’s done- so he sighs to break the silence, and it is him trying to gee you up into getting back into your upset mode, so he can then criticise you for it.
It is a prod, an invitation to respond; it is him acting like the victim.
They will never take responsibility or meet half way. They’d rather just carry on playing victim and end up losing everything.
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