Viewing 6 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #133334

      It would be good if we can all share our experiences about the signs before things got physical so that way we can prevent it next time we decide to date. Having proper reflected I see my abusive ex husband was so similar to my emotionally abusive bf before him. I want to stop meeting the same people in different bodies.

      Early stages:
      -Unhealthy obsession with me makes me feel perfect and puts me on a pedastal a
      -gives me that fairytale romance i have always wanted if its not singing its writing poetry, songs and making romantic musical playlists
      -showered me with gifts I didnt need or want, within the early stages of being with my husband he gave me a (detail removed by moderator) and my ex gave me so much presents ON THE DAY WE FIRST MET!
      -Demands speaking to me so much even before a relationship is established.. at first i was so happyu by this but it was weird
      -Things move too quickly: On the first date, i told my ex I didnt want to kiss if we arent serious and its too soon to kiss on a first date, i was (detail removed by moderator) but i told him i didnt want to kiss and he started kissing my neck making things sexual. my ex bf also kissed me out of nowhere on the first date I did kiss him back.
      With both these instances i did enjoy the kiss im not sayin they were being weird but they should have respect my boundaries..

      Once relationship was established:
      -Obssesed with past (wants to know how far you have gone with a guy) but asks very discreetly, once revealed he used this against me
      -comments on who my friends are and stops me from seeing them
      -demanding passwords to my social media accounts
      -making comments on what i eat or how much i eat
      -makes rude comments on appearance (should lose weight or wax more often)
      -compares me to other women and compliemnts other women
      -spoke about their ex crushes bodies to make me jealous
      -blames me for everything

    • #133340
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, have you looked at doing the Freedom Programme, it’s based on the book Living with the Dominator and lots of women’s charities run if for free. It’s all about red flags and boundaries. Grooming just like child abusers very much comes into play. They use the same tactics. Attention, affection, rushing into sexual behaviour etc. It’s an interesting read. I had to know everything I could about abuse and it really helped me work things out in my head. I was raped on my (detail removed by moderator) date and went on to marry him and I was never abused before that so we all have different stories. Whatever happened to you it was not your fault. I never knew that kind of evil existed in my own home. Our brain fights against us, we live in denial to survive x

    • #133341

      hi KIP im so sorry to hear that happened to you 🙁 its amazing how you use your experiences to help so many of us here on the forum. I have tried the freedom programme, i stopped attending due to stress.
      i currently read why does he do that by lundy bancroft.
      THATS SO TRUE! i dont know if u have seen three girls on netflix? its about these young girls who get abused by OLDDD men and i find that the tactics of these older men were similar to my ex.
      Also the way the girls feared the men and were scared to report it felt like i was looking at myself.
      if you havent watch it its so sad and its based on a true story.
      i also find murdered by my boyfriend on the BBC good but even from watching that at a young age and even knowing the signs i feel as u did say we are in denial. so its scary how will we know whats happened before wont happen to us again?
      i know so many girls who are often abused just repeat the same cycles and now i am worried this is all i will attract.
      i feel like happily ever afters dont exist anymore and i used to be really big on love and romance.

      its sad because these men move on like they havent hurt us and hell they even blame us for their inhumane actions. but we sit here and we suffer.

    • #133342

      Also, in terms of that happening to you I hope you have recieved help and I will pray for you. thats not an easy thing to go through and you probably felt really confused. I am really sorry to hear that and if u ever need to talk about it with someone please feel free to message me <3

    • #133349
      KIP.
      Participant

      Thank you for your kind words. I’m in a very good place now but I’ve worked hard to get here. I know what happened to me and I have the confidence to challenge behaviour and set boundaries. I have the confidence to walk away and I know I can survive anything now. Use the experience to build your confidence and remember that no experience is wasted if we can learn from it. Power to you 💪

    • #133370
      Redpanda123
      Participant

      (Trigger subject) I’m so sorry to hear these awful stories of you ladies being raped repeatedly and these men being complete and utter pigs. An ex of mine kept saying there was something wrong with me (detail removed by moderator) not want anal sex. We had been drinking heavily and having sex (detail removed by moderator). I went to bed, fell asleep. He pulled me off the bed saying (detail removed by moderator). I saw a knife (detail removed by moderator) and panicked. Should I throw the TV through the window, I don’t want to get raped. The look in his eye was terrifying. I hit him (detail removed by moderator), got beaten up, said (detail removed by moderator) and bit (detail removed by moderator), I had to escape and drive home under the influence, so I didn’t go to the police. Plus my brother said (detail removed by moderator) and my grandmother of violent father asked what I did to cause it. He kicked me in the stomach. I even went to his Drs with him to get him help. When his Dr asked(detail removed by moderator), it didn’t occur to me to go. I recently saw him in a dating site (detail removed by moderator). He used to expose himself in the car or at his back door. The (detail removed by moderator) and seeing him triggered bad memories. A recent ex was quite aggressive in bed, bit my breasts, called me a dirty b in bed asked me to tell him if I slept with anyone else. We could watch porn. Said (detail removed by moderator). I wasn’t intending to. He only texted sexual msgs. Non asking how I was when I was ill. Asked what (detail removed by moderator) and could see me a few hours (detail removed by moderator). When I dumped him the (detail removed by moderator)  I sent him a msg saying (detail removed by moderator). He was always so busy. Triggered memories from an ex who was always busy, saw other women, used me for sex for (detail removed by moderator). I had a lot of very short relationships and one night stands. So I wouldn’t get hurt. My therapist recently said did you think to say no (boundaries, again. I’ve read the book. Listened again to the audiobook in the car. But these men are snakes. I said I was scared of the consequences of saying no. As a cold I remember neighbours kids asking me to play (detail removed by moderator). When I said no after they explained it, they pushed my face into a (detail removed by moderator).

    • #133386
      Whyohwhy
      Participant

      I also have some strange issue with saying no. I don’t know why? I was abused by a family member as a child, it was occasional and I knew it was wrong then one day when I was a bit older he started and I finally got the courage to say no and he stopped! It made me feel really stupid for not saying no before. I think I used to just pretend it wasn’t happening. Fast forward, I have had 2 abusive relationships both of which I feel foolish for not sticking up for myself more. I think I definitely need to learn how to say no.

Viewing 6 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content