Silent treatment

[soconfused2]

My emotionally abusive husband, who I am having to still live with, has been sent divorce papers by my solicitor. Since then he has been completely ignoring me, including in front of the children. He won’t even acknowledge that I am in the room. He will email me to arrange logistics around the children, rather than talk to me.

The silent treatment has long been an issue, so this shouldn’t be a surprise, but for some reason I now feel completely broken. I know I have to leave this relationship, but I am gutted about what that is going to mean for my children. I think it is very likely that he will never speak to me again and I’m so worried about what an awful impact that will have on our children as they grow up. I’m also sad that I am completely losing him as a friend, which I know is crazy.

It is making me think that I have made a terrible mistake and should just stay because that would be better for them than this, potentially forever.

I’m worried they will hate me when they are older because he will tell them I abused him (which is what he says to me all the time, despite it not being true) and broke up the family.

I feel so so sad. I just wish I could start my life over.

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid for support. The silent treatment is part of coercive control but it’s dangerous living with an abuser while ending the relationship. He’s going to use whatever he can against you and is already using the children which is child abuse. It’s not you who is the abusive one. When daddy hurts mummy by Lundy Bancroft I’ve heard is a good book to read. Also why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. He will change his tactics when it suits him. Any decent man would have moved out by now and left his kids in the home with their mother until things are sorted. It’s obvious his kids are not his priority. Punishing you and gaining control is. On a practical note, get all the important documents ready in a bag. Or give them to someone you trust. Marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports etc. The best thing he can do for your safety and well being is not to speak to you again and you can use a third party for all communication which is much safer anyway. Children are resilient but they learn from abusers so showing them that abuse won’t be tolerated is a valuable life lesson because one day they will have to deal with his abusive ways. It’s okay to be sad. We have to grieve too. For our hopes and dreams but you can make new dreams for you all of a safe home where the kids can thrive away from abuse.

[KIP.]

His behaviour should confirm that you’re doing the right thing. You cannot ever negotiate with an abuser. Mine was bad mouthing me to everyone including my children, playing the victim, emptying the bank account. Don’t think he will play by the same rules as you. He will take the shirt off your back if he can. He wants to be in control. Talk to your GP and disclose the abuse. This will be valuable evidence later on if needed.

[Hereforhelp]

Soconfused2, well done for going ahead with divorce. Have you written his abusive behaviours down in a journal (I find it helps me when my brain tells me I am missing him).
You husband is using silent treatment to get what he wants, it is an abuse tactic I am very familiar with. Remember, if you accept him back your children will be aware and of his abusive behaviour. Non of this is your fault and it will get easier once he has left. It must be incredibly difficult in the same house as your abusive partner whilst divorcing, and as KIP said, most dangerous time as well.

Is there anywhere he can go, so that you and your children remain in the family home? His priority needs to be your children but it will all be about him as that’s what abusers do, make everything about them, they will use any abusive tactic to make us submit, go back, accept them. It will be the same as before, worse in my experience as I would have to pay for standing up for myself, my now estranged husband would say I punished him, how can I rip our family apart, he threatened suicide (I now know this to be a common tactic) and lots of other things which I now ignore as I am not responsible for his behaviour.
Keep posting ❤

[soconfused2]

Thanks for all your support. It really helps.

[Author]

Posts