Silent treatment how do you deal with it?

[StilliRise2b]

After so many years in my marriage I have come to the conclusion that i have been living in an abusive marriage.
After reading so many of your posts and consequently doing some research I was amazed of the number of light bulb moments i was having. The more I read the more it all made sense! How did I not realised this sooner, I spent years been depressed as a result ( over a (detail removed by Moderator))I thought I was going mad he only hit me (detail removed by Moderator) times at the beginning in the early years and he never did it again in the years that followed, so it told myself he had changed and that I was no longer being abused.
But let me tell you the signs I missed and the confusion this created in my head. The funny thing I like to think of myself as a very strong and independent woman!
– [ ] he was addicted to a game on his phone to the point where all i can remember of those years was that any conversation with him would be with him and his phone in one hand,eyes on the screen whilst talking to me.I spoke to him several time about how it made me feel so neglected and also plain disrespectful but this only annoyed him and he would just end the conversation there or be mad at me or say i was nagging him. So I got scared of bringing any conversation about the phone and resented him all the time.
– [ ] We never spoke about any issues, i found out he was sexting a colleague of his when he left his phone on the table and she had sent him explicit pictures. When I confronted him he denied and wouldn’t discuss it. I convinced him to talk about it.even after our conversation and all the evidence he never apologised for cheating on me once! In fact he justified his behaviour saying it was just like porn! I was weak so I stayed for the kids’ sake. years later when I reminded him of the cheating he told me he did deleted her number, had stopped all contact with the said lady and did apologise to me( I didn’t know what gaslighting was, so I convinced myself that I had a bad memory therefore he must a have apologised)
– [ ] He never ever took any decisions, even when I asked for his opinion he would just say do u want to do or what then In argument he would blame me for anything that went wrong as a result
– [ ] I would organise every single holiday, and he would just tag alone. He seems constantly bored with me and the kids, never seems to enjoy himself,i would b miserable as a result, he would never tell me why he never seems to enjoy himself. I would constantly question myself and wouldn’t relax either as if I just couldn’t make him happy
– [ ] Anytime we would have an argument he would either threaten me with divorce or on one occasion we were meant to go on holiday with the kids and had an argument the previous day, he threatened to not go on the holiday if I carried on with the argument.
– [ ] Still I would cry cos I was so confused and so so lonely. I just couldn’t understand how i could be in marriage and yet be so lonely, and let me tell you this was the worst form of loneliness.
– [ ] The silent treatment in our house used to be a constant visitor. Then it stop of a few years and has now raised its ugly head. Anytime he does it, I go mad. I don’t know what to do with Myself, I blame myself for causing an argument and would promise myself to behave and think twice before i start blaming him in an argument
– [ ] In this latest incident with covid we are all stranded at home, I work from home so he does some of the home schooling before he goes to work. On this occasion he was losing his patience with the kids and got very very angry, the type of anger which would terrify even an adult, I was so scared but went and told to calm down and to go to work, he wouldn’t listen and carried on shouting at the kids and smacking one of them. That’s when I lost it and hit him in return. He was so shocked he stopped and after a few exchanges and me apologising for hitting him and explained that he was just a reflex as I was just defending the kids but that he needed to calm down and was scaring everyone in the house,he left for work. Since then he has not spoken to me for several days, neither have I spoken to him.He has stopped homeschooling the kids altogether so I just try to homeschooling them when I can, luckily I am not so busy with work so I can teach them more during the day and catch up with work.he no longer eat when I cook and now sleep in the leaving room.
– [ ] I honestly wouldn’t mind if it was just him and me as I am so over it and really can’t deal with it all now, but the kids are fairly young and have been asking questions to why daddy no longer sleep in the bedroom and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to add to their stress. The last time he gave me the silent treatment just to end it I went and apologies and told him this couldn’t go on anytime we had an argument but yet he has done it again.
– [ ] I spoke him (detail removed by Moderator) but he just ignored me.
– [ ] Any advice on what I can do or word of comfort, I don’t have any friends to confide him( Not that he had ever stopped me from making friend, but I’ve always found it difficult to make friends naturally and the only friend I have we don’t talk regularly ) I feel really alone and so sad with no adult to share my concerns with.
– [ ] Thank you for reading this far x*x

[KIP.]

Hi there. Like me you have been trying to fix a problem for decades that isn’t your problem. All your mental health injuries come from his abuse. You will never be healthy again while you’re with him. You’re treating the symptoms when you should be treating the cause. Start by talking to women’s aid. Find your local one. There is no right way to deal with the silent treatment or his rages. Eventually I became a shell of myself. He simply changes the goal posts. His aim is to destroy you and he’s done a good job in till now but now you know his game you can recover from this and make a good safe life for you and your children. I know this seems impossible just now but it’s not. Most women on here felt terrible trapped at some point and many are free to be themselves fully, to give their children a happy healthy mum. Children from an abusive home are far more likely to be abused as adults. He will also use the children to punish you and regain control. Dealing with the silent treatment. Start making a life away from him. Get out for a walk with the kids. Come on here. Talk to women’s aid. Do something you used to enjoy. Abuse rips the enjoyment from our lives. Abusers stunt our growth deliberately always keeping us down. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Think about you and how you can change because he never will. Once an abuser always an abuser. Start building that support network. There’s nothing you can do because he enjoys abusing you. You could be the most perfect partner and he will simply abuse you over that x the early assaults are also done as a warning. He probably didn’t need to assault you again because you kept the peace and gave in to him to avoid the same again x

[StilliRise2b]

Oh KIP you are so right in saying I have been trying to fix a problem that isn’t mine. The worse thing is I am caught up in the loop of trying to fix his problem by changing mu attitude or the way I behave or respond in an argument. Also the fixing the symptoms makes so much sense that it made me laugh out loud like a mad woman. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer this has made me feel much better about going on with my day.
i will for sure read the book and start planning my next move. I really don’t know if I’m brave enough to leave :-(.

[KIP.]

None of us thought we were brave enough to leave but eventually with support and education about abuse slowly there just is no other choice. He’s thriving and you’re diving in this relationship and always will x stay safe and take baby steps and laugh like a mad woman. It’s good for you 😂🤪. You sound lovely. I can see in your post that the fog of abuse is starting to clear. Recognising you’re being abused is a huge step x and a scary one.

[Hetty]

Just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone. I used to feel like I was going to lose my mind. I’ve had him ranting at me and I’ve been physically tearing at my hair to get him to stop, I’d lock myself in the bathroom and put my fingers in my ears and even resorted to nipping and bruising myself to get me to calm down. It’s like living with the most venomous snake who will bite at any point.
I used to get the silent treatment. It was awful, I used to feel confined to the bedroom. Weekends were horrendous, I merely existed. It actually got to the point where I liked the silent treatment even though it was so tense because then I knew I’d be free from being shouted and sworn at or harassed for sex.
I found reaching out to my local domestic service an important step in terms of moving forward. At no point did they make me feel like I had to leave. They listened to me and made sure me and my child were safe. It took me a really long time to get away but I did it. The support in this forum was massive to get me to that point. It saved me and my son. The confusion and doubt can be so strong. Educate yourself as much as you can. Journal too. It’ll help you see the patterns and not forget or minimise the abuse (as well all do at times).
I’m now living in a home with my child. I’ve been pottering in the garden with no worries if the big grizzly bear seeking me out for drama xx

[StilliRise2b]

Well done for getting away Hetty, the courage this must have taken you. I too hate the weekend when there is no escape. Lockdown has made it even harder, at least before I could take a book and go sit in the cafe for the whole day just to escape the atmosphere, but can’t even do that now. I have started to write things down and that helps to, i realised the things that happened in the past which use to confuse me to the point of casting doubt over things that he convinced me I did but i couldn’t remember doing or saying were just him manipulating me. The kids are all girls so can you imagine the example I am setting up for them. I think what prevented or is still preventing me from getting help is that I still don’t think it’s bad enough and that he is a wonderful dad to the kids, but can no longer close my eyes to the abuse as now I know better. Wishing you and your little one all the best and thanks for sharing

[Hetty]

I really feel for you. I remember those dark dark days of feeling so trapped.
This man is abusing you and therefore is abusing your children. Domestic abuse is child abuse. You’ve said yourself his anger was to the point it would have been scary for an adult and he smacked one of them.
You’ve said you’re concerned. Trust your gut. We minimise when we want to believe they will change or that somehow things will get better. It never changes. If your gut is telling you it’s bad then it’s bad. How often do we talk about not trusting our gut in the early days. We ignore red flags then years down the line we are trapped.
If you feel able reach out for domestic abuse support in your local area. It took me a long time to accept the realities of my marriage and having a specialist confirm my fears for me on the path to leaving. It took me a very long time to leave. I grieved in the relationship for a long long time and even then I’d go through periods where I thought this time it’ll be better. It never gets better. I explored every option before I left. I sought legal advice, copied important joint documents, explored housing options etc so that when my chance came I was ready. It then just took one more day of being called names then ignored and I thought it’s now or never. I had a vacant property lined up so I packed up and left. It can often be a long journey to get there. Keep posting and reaching out. You’re not alone. This isn’t your fault xx

[Empoweredhealing]

Stillirise2b, his silent treatment is a form of stonewalling and withholding. Both are very common and damaging forms of emotional abuse. His behavior is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to either cause it or stop it. He knows how much it hurts you when he stonewalls, which is why he does it. Do what you can to turn your attention away from him and towards taking care of yourself and your children.

[StilliRise2b]

Thank you both again,it has been an interesting weekend and was saved by the fact that he had to go to work earlier. The kids and I went to the park and had an amazing time. I have started to read “why does he do that” and whilst he doesn’t fit one profil he certainly has a few traits here and there.
This book is an eye opener, so much makes sense to the point I wonder why it took me so long to understand this. I am highly educated and have a good job but boy i feel stupid, like how can I have missed all these signs.

@Empoweredhealing “stonewalling” is something I found out when I join this forum and it was liberating as It all made sense. I was not crazy, he was actually punishing me for disagreeing with him. I am trying to move on with my life and hoping I can be strong for whatever lies ahead, I need to start thinking of mu girls and our future wether that includes him or not.
Your posts help tremendously and I want you to know that as I feel so understood for the 1st time in a very long time. Stay safe x

[Hetty]

I’ve been reading that too. It’s helped me not get pulled into all the begging and pleading about his awful childhood. It’s also woken me up to the fact counselling and/or meds won’t help him either. He’s had both but mental health issues and anger problems are not the problem. It’s his choice to abuse me and the children that’s the problem.
I’m glad you were able to have a nice day with the children. I stopped ever planning family time and spent my time with my child alone. It was stress free without him breathing down our necks, complaining etc.
Survivors come from all walks of life. I come into contact with domestic abuse in my work and yet still I’ve been snared by an abusive man. This is not about us, it’s about the men. Many are so charming and clever without proper education it’s do easy to get caught up. Xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi StilliRise2b. I lived with my husband for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) decades, convinced I was going crazy, even thought I had early dementia as I was forgetting’ so much, I wasn’t forgetting, he literally hadn’t asked me to do x or y. I found the Grey Rock method very helpful. It’s where you become the most boring person in the world. Sort of ignoring them like they do us, but it’s done to protect us not punish them.
Be aware of cycle of abuse, look up FOG of abuse and also trauma bonded, it’s like Stockholm syndrome. It explains why we stay, rather than why don’t we leave. None of this is your fault, they are very good manipulators and coercers. Read as much as you can on the subject. Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans books were life savers for me. I still reread them when I’m doubting myself. The body keeps the score is another great book.
Once I realised why I stayed was down to the chemical reactions in my brain it helped me disassociate from him more. I think it’s why we refer to abusers as they, him, oh, it’s to depersonalise them.
Best wishes
IWMB 💞💞

[Lisa]

Hi StilliRise2b,

It is great to see you have already had many supportive replies. I wanted to see how you and your children are since posting? The abuse towards you and your children is worrying and unfortunately abuse escalates over time as you may have already noticed. Are you in contact with your local domestic abuse support group? They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find your local group via this link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ You could also log the abuse with your GP for a record but also for support.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
Your situation sounds so much like my own only difference is we don’t have children together.
For years I thought I was depressed, stressed, anxious etc and yes I was! ..because of him! I had never heard of the terms gasligting or cycle of abuse until I came onto this forum back last June. Everything sort of clicked and it was like a penny stopped. I called womens aid my local branch in the July it took me so much courage I was so nervous but it was the best thing I did!! I recommend you do this! They do not judge they don’t say you have to leave they help you with a plan if you want to and are just so helpful and kind, we spoke for over an hour!! Anyway what you speak about I relate so much to! The silent treatment! He would do this so much and on the beginning it was like torture ! I would tip toe around him all day beg him to talk, stand beside him pleading and asking what I had done wrong when I hadn’t done anything, I would sit in the bathroom and cry then all of a sudden hed talk again and I’d be so relieved and grateful he was !!! I look back at this times and think how crazy it is! But we are so brainwashed by them we can’t see its crazy!
Read as much as you can online and books it really helped me understand and gain courage, also writing down everything he has ever done and said but you have to make sure he would never find it. I kept away from home. This helped me s

What you said about him cheating? I remember once he left his laptop on and a girl kept popping up on the chat who i had never heard of , when I asked who it was in a nice enough way he threw (detail removed by Moderator) at my head , I ducked it hit the wall behind me. There was no apology and when I was upset and crying he basically said if I hadn’t questioned him or nagged he wouldn’t have done it so making me feel it was my fault. This is what they do! They’ll always turn it around of you make you feel your in the wrong etc.

What I asked myself was do I want to be here in 5 or 10 years time? And I thought back to how I was as a person when I met him I was carefree, happy, confident, abs I’ve turned into a nervous wreck, anxious, stressed, headache constantly, so many things but im getting better since filing for divorce end of last year. You can do it lovely you can get your freedom. I saw no way out at all and calling womens aid was a first step and one ill never regret xxxx

[StilliRise2b]

A little update from me since I was last on the forum, first of of all thank you so much for caring and taking the time to reply, and to Lisa too. If you don’t know yet this is such a great boost to know that you are not alone, So although I may have not been posting but I’ve certainly been lurking in the background and reading the forum regularly.
The situation hasn’t changed much since last time so the silent treatment is still ongoing, I’ve started to say Hi to him but the conversation doesn’t go past that. He still sleeps in a different room, that’s quite alright with me as I love having the whole bed for myself. I am not sure how to explain the state I am in but I’ll try, it’s like I don’t really care anymore, i have absolutely zero feelings towards him and couldn’t care less about what he does . I live on autopilot these days as I have been a but under the weather lately therefore it has been a bit difficult to cope with homeschooling, cooking cleaning and working from home( so my mental health has definitely taken a hit hence much easier to block out his abuse for now whilst I concentrate on getting physically better)
I am ashamed to say I still haven’t contacted women’s aid, and I think deep down the reason for that is,it would be admitting that he is definitely abusing me.
I am still working on that and hope that I will get the courage to take that first step( this sounds so pathetic:-( even to myself.
I am still reading “ why does he do that” and the scary bit of information is that the abuser seldom changes, and this I know to be the absolute truth as in my case everything is my fault, in fact in my whole marriage he only admitted to mistreating once. And when I actually think about it, when he apologised and said he would make an effort, the way he put it was that he is making an effort and if it didn’t work then in the end that was it! Almost twisted it to the point where he could say that he made an effort to fix things but I didn’t make it work. Looking back at this I see how he once again manipulated me to think it was all my fault.
Sorry if I am rumbling and if much of what I am saying doesn’t make much sense lol, but i have been awake since 5am this morning unable to sleep as I am full of cold.
Hoping for a better day today, keep safe and thank you for been so supportive

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
Dont apologise for “rambling” at all ! You are not and this is why the forum is here so you can let it all out and others can listen and help:)

Like yourself I didnt post for a few months but kept checking in , you do whatever feels best for you, if you don’t feel like posting then its completely up to you. Also like yourself it took me around 4 months to pluck up the courage to calls womens aid and I think it was for exactly the same reason as you say that I knew they would confirm it was abuse and once I heard that I knew it was true so was trying to shy away from it. But honestly once the lady confirmed what I knew it was like a weight off my shoulders a lightbulb moment. She didn’t judge or pressurise and it took me weeks after that to build up courage to get more help and contact a solicitor. I still can’t believe I did all that because at the time I saw no way out I felt stuck but honestly taking baby steps is the best thing you can do. Take each day as it comes, build your strength and courage. If it takes longer than you thought so be it but at least you’ve made the first step in coming to the forum and recognising there is something wrong. That is a vital first step and you’ve done it . If there were nothing wrong you wouldn’t have wanted to come here thats how I see it. Take it however slowly you want lovely when you are ready you will feel ready and you will know believe me.

[ISOPeace]

There’s nothing pathetic about not contacting women’s aid. You’ll do it when you do it. I’m in a similar position in that I don’t have any feelings for my husband any more. It’s been like that for a while and now it has shifted so that I’m planning to leave. It probably feels strange that you don’t feel love for him but still feel stuck. I think that’s the trauma bond. Try not to judge yourself for it. I know that’s hard. For a long time I couldn’t imagine how anyone wouldn’t think I was stupid/useless/weak for not leaving, especially as I didn’t love him any more. But having read about trauma bonding I can see that I’ve been stuck in freeze because of the years of abuse.

I also know that it’s hard to fully accept being the victim of abuse. I’d wonder why me? What’s wrong with me that I got stuck here. I hope reading on this forum shows that you’re not alone. People often say they wouldn’t put up with abuse and wonder why we haven’t left. But I probably would’ve said/thought the same before I found myself here. Nobody can say how they would react in a situation they haven’t been in. I also wonder how many people i work with suspect anythong, because if they don’t, how many other people are in abusive situations but hiding it?

My advice would be keep reading and posting on here. I find replying to others helps my get more clear on my own situation and gives meaning to it – if my experience helps me help others it feels less hopeless. And of course helping others is great for your own wellbeing. But even just reading the forum will help I’m sure. Keep reading up on abuse to educate yourself. Make an exit plan even if you don’t intend to go through with it any time soon. Keep a record of the abuse. You may need it as evidence and it’s a useful reminder any time you wonder if things really are that bad.

Above all, be as kind to yourself as you can. You will do what you need to when you’re ready and that will be the right time for you. It’s ok to take action when you feel scared. You will probably actually feel better by acknowledging the abuse because things will make more sense and you can use the energy you used for blocking it to make positive changes.

Sending love xxxx

[Author]

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