Single

[Lightness]

Just wondering what has helped others in dealing with becoming single again after an abusive relationship. I set out to have a happy, lasting relationship and it’s been a long time since I was single and living alone. Can anyone share what has helped them?

[Nova]

Hi Lightness,
I could be asking the same question myself! I’m fresh out of a long term abusive ‘relationship’
..positive steps I’ve taken so far, Absolute NC, not even social media, photos, & any reminders…I changed his name to a horrible one, on my phone, as I have to keep his messages as evidence.

Shut out anyone that knows him, and is going to trigger me big time! Basically as self protection.

Start looking at small steps to make a new basic routine, forcing myself to do things differently …so I’m unlocking myself from ‘that life’.

Walking a neighbours dog! Volunteering for a charity, Going out & about, generally, to stop myself sitting in and getting anxious, and dwelling on ‘him’ & our recent past.

That kind of thing, for now, is all I can manage! Long way to go yet!

C X

[Serenity]

It’s hard but it’s necessary to be alone for a while. We need time to just sit and be with ourselves- to reflect, take rest…

But it’s also an opportunity ( when we feel ready ) to go out there and do the things our ex never allowed us, to explore our intests and talents..

When I was still very much traumatised after he left, and was badly affected by panic attacks etc, I could only really cope with going to supportive things-like counselling, my support group, and Pattern Changing course..

As I slowly improved, I could then think about attending an exercise class, the gym. I started running again. I went to a therapeutic art class for a while.

Now, I feel ready to join some other social group locally- maybe a book group- and so enjoy spending time with friends and meeting them for coffee and maybe going out in the evening once in a while, focussing upon my health and beauty regime more- not for anyone but me, building up my strength and finding the old ‘me’ again.

Recently, I’ve been able to project ahead, and think about and plan for the future..

I think it’s important to receive the support you need, be it in the form of counselling, a support group etc..

I think this period of being alone and building ourselves up is necessary. Some of us might be happy being single in the future, some of us might want another relationship, but if we ever do have a relationship then I think it’s important that we have been to the place of facing our injuries, dealing with them and feeling stronger in ourselves in spite of them, that we know ourselves, aren’t afraid to face the truth of others and are protective of ourselves and our treasured values.

[SaharaD]

DV/DA groups recommend waiting two years after the last abusive contact before dating or seeing someone.

I like to think of it as one year of survival and one year to work on your recovery.

What I did although still not recovered to the point where I am happy:

I went into a refuge and implemented no contact.
I asked people not to mention his name or anything about him to me.
I focused deeply on myself and my emotions.
I sat in the pain.
I went to a women’s DV/DA group
I went to the Freedom Programme
I read books on abuse.
I Go to a women’s group surrounding violence.
I had a year’s counselling be a specialisted DV/DA counsellor.
I went to a NHS recovery college course for women who have been abused as adults.
I did a therapy group on my emotions
I go to a mental health support group
I worked really hard on my finances and was debt free in two years.
I started going to welcoming social groups to get used to people again.
I go to the gym and women’s football
I go to other self help/ 12 step groups.
I put strong boundaries in place for relationships with people.

I recognise that I’m not going to let him destroy my life and I’m going to focus on making my life the best it can be even if it only means the basics.

[WalkerInTheRain]

To start with I just reconnected with old friends, those people who choose to love me, invite me into their lives and accept me for me. We didn’t necessarily do anything or talk, mostly they let me hang about in my PJ’s and they fed me wine and pizza.

I completed a charity event that was so rediculous it was borderline certifiable but it took me out of my comfort zone, made me focus on something that wasn’t the abuse and, due to the nature of the event, gave me a massive confidence boost.

I focused on old activities that I’d lost some enjoyment in due to his emotional abuse. I’ve started to set goals and challenges to try and break away from the shackles of his words. I’ve written these down and set weekly targets in my bullet journal to chip away them.

I joined a new group activity. It was something that I wanted to do for a number of years but never plucked up the courage for. I’m glad I waited as its all mine and he never got to taint it.

I did try dating a number of months ago and while I had a good experience, I just wasn’t ready. I’d spent a decade of my life being eroded, my thoughts and opinions no longer being my own that I thought it was more important to go away and become someone of interest again. My biggest relationship is with myself at the moment. It feels weird, a little self indulgent but I’m gradually casting my eyes forward rather downwards.

[Lightness]

Thanks for all of your wise words. It’s interesting how many commons themes there are in how we all deal with this. I agree about the not dating thing. And this statement, from the last post, really resonates with me ‘I’d spent a decade of my life being eroded, my thoughts and opinions no longer being my own that I thought it was more important to go away and become someone of interest again’ (thank you Walker in the Rain for this). Someone said why don’t you go on a date and I said – I don’t have anything interesting to bring to the table (plus I just don’t have the energy).
I feel I’m doing all the right things. Mostly it has been about survival and doing the necessities. I decided recently that I needed to do something fun and I did make an effort over Christmas. It was hard at the time (to go away for a few days with friends), but looking back it is nice to have the new memories. My friends have messaged me since and I really notice how healthy those relationships are, compared to what I am used to with him.

I wonder why we don’t notice these things in our friends until after the abuse has gone.

[Author]

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