4th April 2018 at 11:17 pm #56750
I need some advice please on what to do.
I have recently found out that my sister is a socio***h and manipulator and told her I don’t wish to see her, I even gave her an explanation, saying that I need my space to work on my trauma and went No Contact since.
She is not my primary abuser. My ex was.
She has behaved terribly since my email. Harassing me with emails, phone calls and text, msg through her friend and tonight the worth! She send her husband to my door!at night. He went through the main building door somehow, went up to my floor and came knocking on my door. Saying that he wants to talk to me, that she is crying because of me.
I didn’t open the door. Told him that it’s unacceptable to show up unannounced, that I will not open the door and that he should leave. He didn’t go. I repeated several times until I said that I call the police. Then I talked as if I was on the phone with the police, giving my address out loud and his description. He finally left.
The thing is she got my key. I gave it to her few months back when I didn’t see through her. Now I’m not sure what to do.
Shall I write asking her to send me back the key? I am scared that she will use that to come around my house instead of sending it to me.
Shall I write at all repeating that I do not wish to see her, that I am busy working through my trauma?
She should respect that and her husband too.
Shall I go to the police and report them both?
Shall I stay No Contact? Stay strong and just keep my grounds?
I would love some advice, I am not sure how to proceed and I’m not sure if I make it bigger in my head than it actually is.
5th April 2018 at 10:45 am #56764
I identify with this one, hon. I ‘lost’ members of my family due to manipulation.
I’m not having a particularly brilliant week as my child is away.
However, in this situation (and I realise you may not be able to do this cos of finances) but I would if you can afford to – simply get the locks changed. That way you will know that the key is redundant and wouldnt’ even need to ask for it back.
All best best
5th April 2018 at 11:47 am #56768SunshineRainflowerParticipant
This sounds really stressful and I can relate, some of my family members are a bit similar and I experienced harassment from a female former colleague who was very sociopathic, she still tries to contact me now acting like nothing has happened years after I blocked her on everything and went no contact.
I agree with Freedomtochoose, get the locks changed asap, then stick to no contact. Also if you have some sort of concierge (such as in a block of flats depending on your living situation) then ask to speak to the management about letting people in as this is a security issue.
She is showing that she doesn’t respect your boundaries which is a sign of an abuser/manipulator. You’re quite right that it is unacceptable for her to send her husband round, that is intimidating and scary and shows a disrespect and disregard for your wishes. My family have often violated my boundaries so I know how terrible it feels and how they make you feel guilty for trying to have boundaries.
Keep a log of everything with dates and times and report her if things start to escalate. I didn’t need to report my colleague, no contact did most of the work for me, as long as you stick to it they usually give up eventually, you just have to police your own boundaries and you can never be too careful as they will try anything to wheedle their way back into your life to get that control they crave. Obviously though if they start threatening you, breaking in or doing more obviously criminal things then report them asap. You could also ring 101 anonymously for advice about it.
5th April 2018 at 2:07 pm #56774
Thank you so much for your replies.
They came both around (detail removed by Moderator), my sister with her husband, knocking on my door for 1/2 hour, he screaming that I am the devil, she kept knocking saying that she is my sister and that I have to open up.
I told them that I wish they leave the building immediately. She tried to open my door with my spare key! Thankfully with my key sticked in on the other side it wasn’t possible to get in.
They went on and I said I’m calling the police. The police took their time but finally showed up after 1/2 hour.
They met them at the front door building and probably talked with them before coming up to my flat. The one police guy asked me if I am ok psychological wise and looked at me doubtfully. She must have told him some lie to discredit me. I kept my calm as good as I could and told them that I informed my sister few weeks back that I do not wish to see her because I am working through my trauma and needed my space and that after that she started harassing me with emails, texts, phone calls through friends ( I blocked her number and her husband’s) and yesterday evening sent her husband round.
He responded that ok, but it’s probably a misunderstanding, that she is my sister and that she is worried and that is it normal.
I responded that there is no misunderstanding, that I was very clear that I do not wish to see her, that I need my space.
And that she should respect that, not come around my place when I specifically told her that I do not wish to see her. She shod respect that and that it goes direction stalking.
He asked me if I still wish to see her in a month or so to sort things out.
I told him certainly not, that after this episode I do not wish any contact at all anymore and told them that she still has my key. They went to get my key from her. So actually it worked out fine, because I got my key back.
But the experience is horrible! The knocking on the door, the total disrespect of my wish, pressing like that as if after all that mistreatment I would comply.
Yes they are trespassing my boundaries completely. That is absolutely not ok.
Thank goodness for this forum, it really keeps me going! The understanding between us all here is life-saving. It keeps me sane.
I’ve really had with abusers. Enough is enough.
A very good friend of mine moved away so I am quite alone without *physical* support…but I will be ok. I am going out right now to get back on the horse so to speak. To not let this traumatise me more than I already am with my ex.
Sorry if my writing is not the best today…
10th April 2018 at 6:20 pm #56983
(Detail removed by moderator) my sister send around her best friend to my house. She rang on the front door building ( I can see her through the camera) and went up the stairs to my flat. She rang my door only once and then left. This time I didn’t respond. My heart pumped really hard, I had cold sweat going through my entire body. I can’t believe my own sister is harassing me so.
I guess she wants to collect things she has lend me, like cushion and blankets. But I told her when she was here with her husband the other day that if she wants her things back I will send it to her. So there is no reason for her to come near my flat. I wrote (Detail removed by moderator) unwanted visit down. It exhausts me all very much. I need so much sleep and naps to recover, it’s crazy.
10th April 2018 at 6:36 pm #56986FreedomfighterParticipant
It’s the stress, being on high alert constantly and wondering what they will do next. Rest as much as you can and take care of yourself
Hugs and best wishes
11th April 2018 at 9:51 am #57009
14th April 2018 at 10:45 pm #57119SerenityParticipant
Hi Hope Life Joy,
I wanted to respond to your post, as my heart went out to you reading it.
I also have a sister who is very manipulative and controlling. She has got much worse in recent years.
Don’t let your sister try to make out you are the one with the issues. You are reacting as anyone would to abuse: you are entitled to take time to heal slowly and gradually in peace, in a way that suits you. You don’t need to do things her way.
These people move in when they see you are vulnerable and- they think- weak. Good on you for telling her that you want space. I was going to suggest changing your lock. Give back anything of hers that you have, so she has no excuse to keep badgering you.
Her husband sounds like he’s under her thumb- her enabler.
It is unbelievable how these abusers think they can boss other adults about- adults who have a right to choose how they live. My sister is also very engulfing, expecting everyone to see things her way and to do the things she likes. She can get nasty when crossed. I now keep a distance from her, telling her very little about my life. She probably cannot understand why I am being as I am towards her (these people can’t see their faults) but it’s for my own sanity.
15th April 2018 at 12:35 pm #57137
Thank you so much for your words Serenity, it gave me strength. Sorry to hear you have a very similar sister to mine. And good on us for setting boundaries.
18th May 2018 at 9:12 pm #58599happypositivealwaysParticipant
I can somehow relate to your story.
I have a sister who is very manipulative and controlling since childhood but I never imagined it would carry on into adulthood.
We had been sharing a flat which we lived in since we were children. My parents moved to another country a few years ago and my sister’s controlling behaviour started to get worse.
Trivial things like she would secretly put white vinegar in the kettle for me to drink or I’m only allowed to use a certain part of the flat or else she would throw my stuff out without telling.
Things escalated to a point I was so scared to see her in the flat, I ended up move most of my belongings to my room and leave the rest of the flat for her to use so my stuff wouldn’t get throw out.
A few years later, she moved out with her boyfriend. I thought things would get better but it didn’t.
She would bring her boyfriend to the flat and let him stay for a few weeks and I suddenly find myself living with a guy I don’t even know.
After they moved out, on one weekend not expecting anyone to visit the flat I had the door chain locked. When I came out from the shower I found the door chain had been entirely piled out from the wall, there was a big hole in the wall and the door was a mess.
She then wrote an angry letter telling me I’m not allowed to lock the door from inside even though she is living with someone else, she still has the right to use the flat and she doesn’t have to tell me when or who she is coming with.
Things got worse when I found out she gave her boyfriend our flat key and he just walked in to the flat on his own without telling me beforehand and brought boxes of their unused items into the flat and threw my stuff out so they can use the living room as their storage room.
For all these years, no matter what happened I’ve not told my parents anything because she is my mum’s favourite and
mum is always on her side. But I was so scared this time, I told my mum what happened. She told me not to have the chain lock put back so it would be easier for my sister to freely walk in.
I know my sister wants control of the property and is afraid she is going to lose control now that she doesn’t live here so she visits unannouced regularly and put her stuff in the flat to remind people of her ownership.
I’m saving up so I can move out but meanwhile I’m scared everytime I hear a sound in the flat.
My mum has been telling me my sister hasn’t done anything wrong and now she is pregnant my mum told me it’s only reasonable that her boyfriend be in our flat to do all the box lifting regarding their storage.
I feel so scared and bullied but the more I hear my sister is right the more confusing I get and I started to think maybe I’m the unreasonable one here.
19th May 2018 at 8:44 pm #58627LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the support you are looking for here. I am sorry to hear of the abuse you are experiencing from your sister, you must feel constantly on edge in your home.
Try not to doubt yourself. Perhaps keep a log of any incidents to keep the abuse clear in your mind. If talking would help then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers can discuss your options based on your circumstances as well as signpost you to other helpful organisations.
Keep posting to us when you can.
20th May 2018 at 1:45 pm #58650
Hello there everyone. Sorry to hear you have been through this, and indeed the others.
If it is any consolation or comfort, I was comforted myself to read this thread as I have had more than one sibling in the past who has harassed and done the bossy thing to the extent that two of them wrote letters to the family court, trying to take my child away from me and saying I was not capable of being a mum because I was ‘mentally ill’. So I really get this, I really do. The tears I cried about it years back could fill oceans.
And there were other family members on the other side too, who harassed everyone i knew, including telling the police lies about me, to the extent that when one of my friends had their door kicked in by the police (they had said that we were there) – my friend complained in writing and the person in question who had lied was warned by the police not to approach me or my friend again. This was a saving grace in that situation that my friend was strong enough to do that. It cost them dear though in terms of their own mental health.
Nowadays I sometimes grieve for the family I have lost, but then many of us have experiences like this – as we can see by this thread. The fact that many of us do, and hearing these posts today really helps me, as at the time this happened some years ago now, I felt as if I was the only person on the planet experiencing it.
I don’t always get there, but nowadays I judge people in terms of how they act and whether or not what they do for me is cooperative and balanced. In those terms, the milkman and the postman are more ‘family’ than some of my own siblings ever were…
20th May 2018 at 1:50 pm #58651
I am wondering what the legal situation is in terms of the property. Social Housing? Is her name on the tenancy?
There may be some leaway to take it off? IF she is not living there surely this is possible? CAB might help.
It sounds very scary when you can’t even lock the door and stop a man coming in that you don’t know very well. Regardless of her pregnancy or not she should understand that.
21st May 2018 at 12:07 pm #58688
Sorry to read that you’re experiencing abuse from your sister too.
You are definitely the reasonable one, your space and belongings should be respected and visits announced, even if it is a family flat.
I think you are very wise to save up and get your own flat. That way you are independent and out of reach of your sister’s controlling behaviour.
I’m sorry that meanwhile you have to live on edge in your own flat, I found that having a “safe place” to go to in the worst moment helps me. When I am scared I go sit on my bed, hug my teddybear, and focus just on my breathing, soothing myself, telling myself, it’s ok, it’s just a noise, it’s ok, it’s going to be ok, it’s ok. Like a mantra. And I imagine a protective bubble around me, and on-one enters my bubble, it’s my space. It keeps me from freaking out completely. And knowing that the moment will pass helps too. And writing it down straight after and sharing it here. The support is priceless, it keeps you sane.
When I think about it, my sister too has always been manipulative already in our childhood. They stay who they are and their behaviour gets worst over time. What a sad little life they lead don’t they, always trying to keep control over everything and everyone.
I’ve learned at work about the drama triangle. It goes like this; one point is the perpetrator (I am always right), another point is the savior ( I am good) and the third point is the victim ( I am blameless).
When I look at my abusers, my ex and my sister, they move at ease from one role to another, but never leaving the triangle which is a very chaotic environment never leading to any solutions. My ex was the perpetrator and my sister the savior. Both one after the other wanted to hold me down as a scapegoat (trying to pull me into the victim role). I fought tooth and nails, lost absolutely everything, just like everyone here too, but still standing tall, proud and strong and moving onto better days.
We survivors are looking at their drama from the outside, saying No thank you and moving on.
Now I don’t have contact with either of them.
My mother is a narc*, with her too I had to cut contact. My father is remarried to a control freak, I keep my distance there too.
My wish is to live a drama free life, finding peace, joy and love in the calm side of life.
Ftc, I had to laugh about the milkman and postman lol, I too found that relatives don’t matter if they are abusive and that people communicating with their heart are much closer to my own, because at least that’s genuine.
Happypositivealways, you are doing so well, keep you eyes set on your goal to move out and keep moving forward. There is a beautiful life out there filled with respect, trust, patience, honesty, love and what not.
Sending everyone warm hugs
23rd May 2018 at 2:44 pm #58756happypositivealwaysParticipant
Thank you for all the replies.
ftc, sorry to hear about your story. I sometimes grieve for the sister I’ve lost too.
Although I already knew at a young age that she was controlling and bad tempered but I thought this happened to all other siblings, I never knew she would get happiness from seeing me get hurt.
When she teamed up with her boyfriend to kick themselves in the door and broke the door chain and hid it afterwards. It really shocked me, I never thought anyone was able to do such a thing, it only happened on TV not in real live. I still find it hard to believe I’m being frightened like this now that I’m an adult.
She has a habit of paying for her boyfriends and buying expensive gifts for them. She thinks by giving them financial convenience, she will have control over them.
I wonder if there is a solution to this. Maybe she doesn’t know her behaviour is causing people pain, maybe if she knew then she would stop and we would still be a family.
Thanks HopeLifeJoy, your words mean a lot, I too wish a drama free life and hope all this frightening experience would stop soon.
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