30th April 2021 at 11:52 am #125370FluffskiParticipant
Hi everyone Im new here,
Trigger warning…mental abuse, self harm, physical abuse.
Im (removed by moderator), been in this relationship (removed by moderator) years, married (removed by moderator), no children living with us. I moved to (removed by moderator) to be in a relationship with him. The red flags were there but I ignored them. As soon as I moved down, I knew it was a mistake, but the devaluation was in progress in earnest by then, I had committed and was trapped. Since then it’s got worse and worse and worse. Physical violence, although recently that has been less…but the worst is the psychological stuff. Im isolated, scared and lonely and simply struggling to maintain my reality. His favourite manipulations are gaslighting, denial (that didnt happen), circular arguments, changing the subject, ignoring me, ridicule, name calling, out and out cruelty, triangulation etc. I know what he’s doing but I feel unable to stand up to him in any meaningful way, let alone get out. My mental health has gone down hill, Im having daily flashback bordering on panic attacks, I started self harming (removed by moderator) years ago and Have attempted suicide by self inflicted knife wounds (removed by moderator). Needless to say this has been used against me…he is the loving sane one, I am simply mental….
I heard him on a call to a friend recntly, when he was telling out and out lies about me, thatIm controlling, I dont let him out, I dont let him have frfiends, that I have (removed by moderator) and that he is the one being abused. No doubt these lies have been pedalled to others as well. I have been told Im the s**t on his shoe, Im worthless, for example if he wants sex, it is for him and that I have to ask him if I want him to reciprocate (I have only had sex with him twice (removed by moderator)), that he is an ‘angel’ for putting up with me. Im massively on edge constantly, am not sleeping, spend my days in tears and havent been able to work for over 2 years. Yet I cant get out. Im scared, and feel Im disappearing down a rabbit hole…this last 2 months I know Im losing it. (Removed by moderator) I went beserk after hours of this and slapped him hard across the face, at which point he picked his phone up and threatened to have me locked up. He did this once before and it worked, the police came and put me in a cell overnight…there was no sign of assault just his word. He seems to have absolute control over me, I dont know which way is u pany more…I know I need to get out but that seems so far away. At present death seems a more sensible option, I have nothing to live for and everything to get away from. I dont know what to do. How do I get to where I need to be?
30th April 2021 at 12:22 pm #125371gettingtiredParticipant
Hello Fluffski, I’m sorry to hear of your suffering. I can relate to so much of what you’ve said. Things have been escalating in my situation lately and I’m also being painted to be the ‘crazy’ one or the one who refuses to deal with my problems. For example he’s threatened to call the police to have me sectioned. It’s all ridiculous drama they create but when you’re living in it it’s hell on Earth so I understand.
Have you reached out to your local domestic abuse service? Or you can call the national abuse helpline (in my experience they are really good). If you can’t get through straight away (which is often the case at the moment) you can leave a voicemail with your name and number and a convenient, safe time for them to call back (when he’s not around). If you don’t have long before he’s back you can explain this in the voicemail and they will try to make your call back a priority. They call back on a private number.
I’ve also been advised on here to log the abuse with my GP (although I haven’t done this yet).
Please don’t feel bad in yourself for not leaving despite things being so bad. It’s not as simple as that. Also, I read someone else’s comment on the forum somewhere saying that you don’t leave an abusive relationship/marriage, you escape it. The general idea I think is to try and build up a support network around you to help you with leaving. The forum is great for this but you may need extra support such as with your local service etc. Keep posting, it honestly helps just knowing others understand here x*x
30th April 2021 at 4:19 pm #125381FlutterShyParticipant
I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this and it’s great you’ve found this forum where you will find support and really good practical advice.
All you are saying sounds so familiar, it’s horrendous what is done to us. My advice is to start keeping a log of the abuse (I didn’t do this and I’m regretful now), you can keep voice notes on your phone even but back it up. Tell someone what is happening to you. Building up a support network really gives you strength. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. The shame is his. If you can, start counselling without telling him. I did this just recently and it really has given me strength I’d forgotten I had.
There is help out there. Call the national DA helpline or womens aid or women’s trust. Keep posting, we are all here for you x*x
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