Sleep arrangements

[Buddy]

Hi , me again 😬
So basically he sometimes sleeps with me and sometimes on the sofa , since the silent treatment ( remember I have done nothing wrong only asked about our sex life) (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago now .
So (detail removed by Moderator) I was already in bed , awake but pretending to sleep . He came into bed , lay there for (detail removed by Moderator) min and then got up and slept on sofa . Either he couldn’t stand lying next to me or he is playing a mind game so it looks like he can’t stand lying next to me , to make me feel I am in the wrong and worthless .
No words were exchanged .
I am thinking I am not giving him his n********t supply and he is angry , either way it’s odd and I am rising above , does he truly believe I deserve this ?
How would he like it if someone treated our daughter this way , doesn’t this enter their head . It may sound like nothing but it is messing with my head and my reality .
Anyone got an opinion on this ?
Sorry but my anxiety through the roof , thank goodness for work .
Xx

[KIP.]

I know exactly why he did it. He was giving you the opportunity to reach out to him so that he could stomp on your heart again. Yes it’s totally mind games which you will never win so dont play. He Will do the opposite of what you want. If you ask him to stay permanently on the couch he will throw a hissy fit then start sleeping in the bed. He’s already shown you by his past behaviour just how little he cares and respects you. He has already shown you his true colours, you just need to believe him. Concentrate on you and getting out of this dysfunctional relationship. It causes reality testing and we need medicated. Is it really worth it?

[Buddy]

Omg so (detail removed by Moderator) he has moved our spare (detail removed by Moderator) room around and put some furniture in (detail removed by Moderator) so that he can put a tv in
there.
Then called my son in to watch (detail removed by Moderator) together .. I know he is trying to get a reaction out of me ..
my daughter just said why is he taking the tv out of bedroom and putting it in there , u like having tv in bedroom and he is doing it so you don’t have to sit together , he is so childish Mam .
I went in the room and said well what a good idea ..

[KIP.]

👍 good for you. All this is designed to get a reaction from you. Trying to get the children on his side too. Just be careful because when he doesn’t get that reaction he will flip and you will get hurt. Keep your phone on you fully charged 24/7 and ring 999 if you ever feel threatened. Having my ex arrested was the best thing I ever did. It took him off my hands, got outside agencies involved like women’s aid and victim support and he was bailed not to return. It restored peace and calm in my home x He’s upping his game now thats why these idiots threaten to leave and threaten divorce, insecure little men desperate to regain control. Full of nastiness and unable to bond, show empathy, sympathy or compassion. Stay safe x I’d also ring the local domestic abuse unit as ask for a marker on your home and phone. Let them know there’s a history of domestic abuse and you’re working on an exit plan. My local women’s aid did this for me. It’s the most dangerous time and they know your chances of being hurt greatly increase x my ex used to hide his behaviour from our son but towards the end he just didn’t care. He would play the tv really loud downstairs when I was trying to sleep, pour all my Milk down the sink. Petty little things that escalated to violence but I just didn’t see the signs x

[Buddy]

Kip , I have to self isolate for a couple of days till I get my results as been in contact with someone in work .. so he has to also 😬
Maybe that is why he did the seperate room , at least that is what he would say perhaps .
Also (detail removed by Moderator) he took (detail removed by Moderator) down into the room and slept in there , ok I have had to have a covid test but he has been sleeping on sofa , I wonder if (detail removed by Moderator) going downstairs was to prove a point .
My poor children are witness to this , the least he could say to them is I am doing this incase Mam is positive .
I pray I am negative otherwise we will have to isolate together for two weeks .
It never rains but it pours eh 😭

[Buddy]

You are right about nastiness and unable to bond , he hasn’t even asked me if I have any symptoms etc .
I feel he is upping his game , so I am on high alert .. Thank u x

[KIP.]

Sorry to hear this and I hope you are okay. It’s stressful enough living with an abuser so take good care of yourself. You need to keep your immune system strong too so ensure you eat well and rest. You can bet he will exploit this situation for his own benefit x

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , I am sure I will be negative .
He said nothing to me about it only (detail removed by Moderator) walked downstairs and said (detail removed by Moderator) That’s it !!
Maybe I am to needy but I expect a bit more from my husband as in how close did u get to the person , just general questions , but I guess he won’t do that now we are not talking .
He just took my daughter to supermarket for her to get some (detail removed by Moderator) and bought (detail removed by Moderator) big pumpkins , I bought (detail removed by Moderator) pumpkins (detail removed by Moderator) days before , my daughter said we have (detail removed by Moderator) in the house and he said (detail removed by Moderator) . I know I sound like I am being trivial but this is all to make me feel that what I do isn’t good enough right ?
I am looking online to rent but can’t find anything at present , although I am looking not sure I am quite ready to take the leap .. when will this courage come 😬

[KIP.]

Hey there, you might not feel like you’re ready to take the leap but going through the motions of looking for somewhere else, talking to women’s aid, planning a future may Change that when you see that it’s not so scary. The courage came from me when he assaulted me and the police became involved and bail conditions imposed. I needed an outside agency to act on my behalf because I was so frozen. I told the police everything. There will be one incident that stands out for you that you can use to turn your mind and heart away from him. Assaulting your father must have made you think what a monster he was. Or something he’s done to hurt your children in some way. Slowly we begin to think with our heads and not our hearts but we need help. This forum, women’s aid, NSPCC helpline. Outside influences to counteract his brain washing. He’s not your friend, he’s not your life partner, he’s not Supportive or encouraging. His goal is to hold you back, stunt your growth and that will be a pattern he repeats. Probably for your kids too x

[Buddy]

Hi , well I am negative to covid , so off out for a long walk to get out of this environment I call my home .
He is still sleeping seperate from me even though I haven’t done anything , so the gaslighting continues. I am on antidepressants but thinking of upping the dose as I still have nervous tummy .
I was close to saying to him
This morning , we can’t carry on like this , I think you need to go and stay in your friends etc . But I resisted .
I am worn out.

[KIP.]

Please understand the anti depressants are just treating the symptoms of the abuse. The cause of the abuse is what you need to deal with or you will be medicated for the rest of your life. I’m glad you’re negative. Stay safe x

[KIP.]

For me the medication numbed me and made it easier for the abuse to continue. Eventually I understood I needed a clear head to deal with this. Completely stopped alcohol and came off the medication and Got into fighting mode x

[Buddy]

Hi kip, I just said to him I want you to move out , he laughed and said (detail removed by Moderator) .
I said (detail removed by Moderator) . He said (detail removed by Moderator) .
I said (detail removed by Moderator) , (detail removed by Moderator) he said 🤷‍♀️
I said (detail removed by Moderator) .
Then he said (detail removed by Moderator) . Then I said (detail removed by Moderator) , he replied (detail removed by Moderator).. I said (detail removed by Moderator) Then he walked away and is now putting (detail removed by Moderator) on (detail removed by Moderator) wall .
I am shaking as this says gaslighting to me , am I right ?
Also am I right in saying he has no intention of leaving , as putting obstacles in the way, if he really wanted to he could stay with a friend .
Any advice greatly appreciated , my mum
Just said get out , and they will help me x

[Buddy]

He definitely said ask me for it then and is completley denying it , making me feel I am wrong and my version of events are wrong x

[KIP.]

Gaslighting absolutely. Lying. Twisting things With his crazy making behaviour and he’s absolutely going nowhere. My advice is to leave but not tell him because this is a dangerous time for you. Sounds like your mum may be your best friend in this. Great advice because you can’t tackle him alone. I’d go to your mums and get yourself safe. Take time away from him to sort things out. Be careful now as he will get aggressive after pretending nothing is going on.

[Buddy]

He said he is happy to carry on like this ( not talking) w*f .
I am going along with it till I get my ducks in a row . I am looking at 3 flats and will view them after (detail removed by Moderator) .
I said to my son a couple of days ago that dad doesn’t treat me right ( he obviously knows as he has seen enough) I said but if you won’t leVe with me I won’t go ( he is old enough to decide.
My daughter has already said she will come with me .
Then last night I spoke to my son again and he said to me because you said you wouldn’t leave if I do t leave , for that reason I will leave with you Mam .
I think I have found my red line , I can’t and won’t do this anymore , I know I will have days thinking what have I done and days thinking about all the good time , but I have you guys here and enough strength to realise I deserve far better than this , no matter how good the good times are , he should be like that all the time , and especially during bad times in your marriage x

[KIP.]

You’re right, it’s easy to have good times, take no effort. Yet they put so much effort into their abuse. Time away from your abuser will make you realise that you lived under such dysfunctional intimate terrorism. You dint have the headspace to think rationally when you’re abused. Once there’s space between you, you will see just how badly affected you all have been. Don’t tell him you’re leaving with your son. I did this and he told me he would move out but he never did, he just gave me hope, hooked me back in and carried on abusing. They don’t change. My son also said he come with me, that’s when my ex started using and involving our son. It was quite horrific living under the same roof at that time so please get your ducks in a row secretly. It speaks volumes that your daughter has said she will leave with you and your son too. Don’t underestimate the pain and trauma this indecision will have on them. Don’t try to negotiate with him, take a step back and he will slowly begin to panic that he’s losing control and the threats will come. The real person he is will show up again. He feels in total control that he doesn’t even have to make any effort, he’s convinced you’re going nowhere so be careful x

[KIP.]

Remember by asking him to leave you’ve crossed a line in his head and you will be punished for that so stay safe. You probably won’t even see it coming. Might be when you’re in bed and the kids aren’t about to witness it x

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , I am alert to everything and just keeping my head down .. he just went out and bought (detail removed by Moderator) for him and my son (detail removed by Moderator) together , I can see what he is doing and I am sure my son can too but I won’t say anything to my son to overload him with things , hopefully he will see it all for himself .
Thank u again xx

[KIP.]

💕

[Beautifulday]

Hi @buddy
I havent been on in a while, ive just been reading through your post. I really hope your ok lovely sounds like your having a awful time.
What he is doing is trying to get a reaction from you don’t bite for it!! They love it when you bite for it and it gives them a sense of power, if he’s ignoring you do it back play him at his own game, get on with your day and forget about him its hard I know but its the only way it gets through to them.

My H used to give me days of silent treatment id be beside myself, I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep id go to work drained and upset trying to call him etc ..now I dont care I think oh well act like a child hes realised ive stopped caring!!! I look back at these times and think how warped and twisted they were! These men are cruel

If he moves to the other room say yes think its best you do play him at his own game he wants a reaction.

You sound like your getting much stronger and getting there, back in June I felt so hopeless I felt lost didn’t see a way out but by taking baby steps, calling wa, solicitor, getting a plan etc I now see thr light at thr end of the tunnel and know by this time next year I’ll be out of this hell. I keep thinking toward next Christmas knowing ill be my own little place and that’s what keeps me going.

Think of your future and your children’s future this is no happy life for you or them you’ll get to that point you’ll take action believe me it just happens.. hold your head high stay strong and keep making baby steps lovely you’ll get there x*x

[Buddy]

Thanks beautiful day for your reassuring reply , I am doing just that , ignoring him back and carrying on with my business .
I went to my friends last night and stayed the night , just came home and not a word from him still .
It is awful way to live but I am being strong .
Hope you are ok ? X

[Author]

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