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Hi all,
I did post on here a couple of months ago about my situation and leaving but I didn’t leave but things are kind of heading in the right direction now.
Just some background – been living with my partner for coming up to (detail removed by moderator) years now, he’s very emotionally abusive and at times financially and physically abuse he. He has a personality disorder, says that I trigger it and then says that I’m the one abusing him, not the other way round. He’s never in the wrong it’s always me and he’s very controlling and possessive. I’m estranged from my family and have been for around (detail removed by moderator) years but do have some close friends who say that relationship is toxic but I just haven’t listened.
In (detail removed by moderator), long story short I reported to the police a historic sexual abuse crime. The police officer investigating the case has great concerns about where I’m living and my partner because of his extensive and violent criminal record. She phoned me yesterday and said that I need to try to get out of the relationship as soon as I can for my own safety but as well as my goals for the future. She then said I can report the abuse from my partner as a crime but that’s something I’m still thinking about.
The police officer yesterday was brutally honest and it’s kinda shook me up to a bit to act on my own personal safety. Last night I spoke to the 24/7 helpline who were helpful. Refuge isn’t an option because I work full time and I’m a student and due to the high risk I’d have to move out of area which would destroy my work and uni degree (detail removed by moderator).
Went to my local young people homeless charity this morning who have supported me before when my partners kicked me out. She did the dash assessment and my case is going to be referred to MARAC. The charity explained my housing options – possible options are council housing, private renting with the charity being a rent guarantor for me or supported lodging with the charity.
The homeless charity said that women’s aid should also provide me support and then there should be more intensive support from MARAC. The plan is to do a slow move – get something sorted housing wise, then slowly and discretely getting my stuff out of the house. Will be difficult though because he doesn’t work and is always at home. When I went to see the homeless charity today they phoned my local women’s aid and they spoke about a safety plan which of course I’m going to take into account.
I’m generally feeling so overwhelmed. It’s just stress after stress. Worry about the historic abuse police investigation, worried about getting somewhere sorted new to live, worried about uni work….. everything. My mental health is awful and I know I need to book a Gp appointment but feel like I have other more important things to be sorting first.
Most of all I’m worried about how much I’m doubting myself. Doubting myself about whether I’ve made the right decision about wanting to leave. I love him and he says he loves me but he makes me feel awful pretty much every day. I’m fed up of the threats and being terrified of doing something wrong and him flying at me. I’ve left before but he’s text me back saying sorry come home and I did and I’m scared it’s going to happen again when I leave.
Women’s aid have said not to tell him that I’m planning on leaving because women are most at risk when they’re in the process of leaving so I’ve got to pretend everything’s normal. We had a big argument 2 days ago and he didn’t speak to me but today he stAtered speaking to me again and he went the shops and spent money on me. Am I a horrible person for wanting to leave him? I’m so scared his mental health will suffer but then mine is already suffering.
This probably doesn’t make sense, I’ve got some more phone calls to make tomorrow but for now just got to try to carry on as normal. Any advice appreciated, I need to know that I’m not a bad person and he’s the one in the wrong.
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You’re ambivilent aren’t you. Sounds like you are saying you have gone from one violent relationship to the next? Perhaps it would be best for you to spend some time alone and attend to your mental and physical health, so you’re in the best frame of mind and feel well again.
Down the line some therapy with a therapist trained in domestic abuse could help you to work out how better to protect yourelf, so you make sound, healthy choices in your relationships when moving forwards. It sounds like you struggle to protect yourself, maybe don’t consider what you need, struggle to act when you need to, or you put him and others first – this is fairly common in DA. Some work around personal boundaries and how to implement these is needed.
So, it’s no suprise to me that you feel ambivilent atm. This pattern and vulnerabilty has been with you for a life time hasn’t it? Protecting yourself and your safety needs to be your priority – always. Only then will you have some success in relationships, because when you feel you’re not being respected you will walk on by – way before investing in the relationship and way before making any kind of committment. Eventually, when we have done this for a while, we discover that we are now only surrounded by those we love and trust, are kind and respectful.
Love doesn’t hurt; we often have a scewed concept of what love is, which likely stems from the blueprint our parents gave us, not all but many of us come from dysfunction – we didn’t get our needs met in childhood properly and love is confusing, it never comes with abuse – which is sadly what we learnt – a tolerance for it; it actually only really occurs when it sits hand in hand with respect.
Start putting you and your needs first LOMO; learn to feel good about yourself on your own, learn to feel I can do being on my own – and that you like it this way, this is the start x
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