2nd January 2017 at 2:02 pm #35345mixed-up mumParticipant
This might not seem like much – but it’s a step in the right direction for me, a small achievement.
I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator) New Year out, the last (detail removed by Moderator) years I have not been able to cope with it, gone to bed and hidden away, went nowhere, spoke to no one, even struggled to get out of bed to make food.
This year on Hogmanay I was all alone, but I don’t mind that really, I went on Facebook, and chatted to friends and family on there – and I made it through ……
Then on new years day I went out to visit my mam, and I made a meal for us all, so I’m feeling quite chuffed with my little achievements, small steps…….
New Year was always a bad time for me, bad memories,facing the thought of yet another year ahead with him…….but one year I finally did it, I got away….. I escaped …… I was finally free……
The last few years I was with my ex I just didn’t want to be with him at new year – and I CERTAINLY didn’t want to wish him a happy new year.
His family always insisted on having a big party, with lots of alcohol, and getting drunk – to all of them you couldn’t possibly be having a nice time if you weren’t drinking and getting drunk.
I didn’t like this, and I was always too quiet for them – I didn’t want all the noise, the fuss, the booze, the getting drunk…..
So I was always made to feel like an outcast by them for not wanting to party.
But all new year meant to me was just a marker of year another year gone by, and I was still with him – I just couldn’t wish him a happy new year as it would have been so false – when all I wanted was to be away from him – be free of him……
So in fact the last new year we were together, ((detail removed by Moderator) before I left him) my son was on his Xbox, and I went to my daughters bedroom, way before the bells, (to get away from him), her and me cuddled up in her bed and put on a girly film……..just before midnight I fell asleep – so he took in the new year alone.
This didn’t help our situation, he was so mad at me, and spent all the next day on the phone to his family (each one in turn) telling them how horrible a new year it had been, and how I’d left him alone – but I just COULDN’T be near him…..and I certainly couldn’t wish him a happy new year when I didn’t mean it.
I just had to protect myself in any way I could and keeping away from him kept me safe. By this time things were so bad and we were so miserable, it was such an unhappy time.
By that time there was nothing but hatred, and bitterness in our marriage – slowly bit by bit over the teens of years, he had eroded every bit of love that ever existed in our marriage – and yet he still couldn’t see what he was doing to me was wrong…….
I always felt my marriage was like an open wound, each time he hurt me the wound opened up, until in the end it became so sore and ’infected’ (by his actions) that it was just never going to heal.
He might ’try’ for a bit to be on his best behaviour, and I’d think it was starting to ‘heal up’ – then he do something again to hurt or upset me, and the wound would open up as bad as ever…..he would make out he was trying to make our marriage work – but it never lasted, he never learnt by his mistakes and he’d keep on doing what he did to me time after time, and so the wound was never going to heal…….
Anyway I’m trying to leave all of that in the past now and move on, and slowly I’m trying to make little changes, move forward and make a new life, a better life, a happy life ……..and this year 2017 I want to do it – I really, really want to get my life sorted, get my act together and take control of my own life.
I can do this, and I will do this……….
I hope by the end of this year I can finally come on here and tell you all how I have moved on and made changes to my life.
Wishing all of you good health, much happiness, peace and safety in 2017.
2nd January 2017 at 6:44 pm #35349White RoseParticipant
Might seem a small step but I think it’s a huge stride!
Well done you and much love for a long march in the right direction in 2017 xxxx
2nd January 2017 at 8:39 pm #35354SerenityParticipant
It’s not a small step, Mixed Up Mum- it’s a huge step.
It shows you’re gathering strength and able to move beyond your comfort zone, to start expanding your horizons again, even a little.
I have no doubt that you possess the strength to overcome your experience. We will each do it, in our own way and our own time, but we will all do it x
2nd January 2017 at 8:59 pm #35361lilacladyParticipant
Well done small steps….you will be telling us how much you have moved on and the changes you have made and you are inspiring me to do the same. How you write about your marriage being like a wound, I couldn’t have put it better myself. Mine is exactly the same every time his behaviour opens up the wound and makes it worse. I’m now at the stage where I cannot come back from all he has done. He of course blames me for our marriage being the way it is. I am now looking at getting out.
Reading posts like this makes me feel like it can be done . And you are not making small steps in my eyes you are make BIG positive ones well done x*x
3rd January 2017 at 5:11 am #35382mixed-up mumParticipant
Thank you all for your kind and supportive words – it’s SO lovely to hear that.
I want to get counseling, I want to find more work and I want to end this year as a stronger, more independent woman.
White Rose – it is a long march to recovery – but we can àll march together – side by side and support one another.
Serenity – you are a shining example to us all – always there with good advice and support.
Lilac Lady it does get to the stage where yoy can take no more – you will know when your time is right and you have to go.
And to each one of you good luck in 2017 with all do – what ever you want to do you CAN DO IT!!!! 🙂
3rd January 2017 at 9:43 am #35388Confused123Participant
This is so nice to hear the progresss u r making , u doing so well , good on u for posting
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