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It’s not just the grief, or maybe that’s what the grief if. Can’t stop crying today, was similar yesterday. With daughter taking her shopping for something to wear to funeral. I’m sure now I need to speak to CRUSE. Will do it on Mon.
In going to have to ask my Dad for money, there’s no way round it. That is making me feel terrible. Plus the thought of being with all the people who’ll be at the funeral next week. Mostly relatives. I feel like such a failure compared to my brother. They won’t understand my situation. In their world (In Mum’s world too, I suppose), I should either be successful, like my brother, or a wife.How can I be still only surviving, more than (detail removed by Moderator) years after leaving my abusive ex husband?
I feel like I’ve been here so many times before, when I first left, other times, then last (detail removed by Moderator).
Eve
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Eve1……I am sorry you’re feeling this way. Sending big hugs to you.
I haven’t read through all the posts so I’m not familiar with your situation but I do know that abuse is a very difficult thing to recover from. I’m just over (detail removed by Moderator) out from my abusive ex but I still struggle.
I guess such is the control and damage they cause during our time with them. I can’t wait for my counselling to begin….I feel ready to get it out of my system and only look forward.
Perhaps that is something that would benefit you too.Try not to think in terms of what others think of you or how they view you or your life. Life is hard enough and we don’t need affirmation from anyone else that we are doing the best we can.
Sorry if I’ve missed a point through unfamiliarity of your situation. Just wanted to send well wishes and hope things feel better for you soon. Xx -
Hi Eve,
Show yourself gentle compassion: you have lost your mum and are about to attend her funeral. It is a very difficult time.
In terms of you not being over your ex’s abuse: I strongly believe we must not beat ourselves up and set ourselves time limits in which to heal. That only makes us feel more distressed. We must believe in terms of: we can live a peaceful and happy life in spite of and apart from the abuse and the lingering trauma. We can find little happinesses, and we get to the point where we know who we are, and won’t entertain anyone trying to make us different.
I read a quote which said that we spent the first part of our life listening to people and SS rificing who we really are, and then in the second part of our life we become ourselves again by not achieving more, but by not doing those things which are not us.
It is not to be liked by everyone, but to be and become our fullest self. I leave that thought with you: how can you become your fullest self?
For example, for me, that is having a job which delivers some worthwhile social action, but having time to be peaceful and to engage in relaxing and writing. And having a đ± on every chair! And travelling every so often. And being there for my grown kids if they want me. And enjoying healthy friendships.
For now, don’t worry about the future or best yourself up in any way. Just get through the funeral service- that is enough.
Can financial discussions wait until after the funeral?
Hugs X
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Sending hugs. I really hope you manage to get through this time of the funeral and other arrangements with as much care for yourself as possible. I sincerely hope that after that time you are able to distance and protect your self from the toxic influence of your dad. Maybe starting by looking into other sources of benefits/improving your income so you aren’t dependant on him. I also hope you find good counselling to help you work through everything and move forward. For now cry as much as you need, do whatever feels right to you. There are no rules for grieving x*x
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