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    • #44563
      NotCrazy
      Participant

      I last posted in (month removed by moderator) saying I had just left my partner and was in a B&B with all of my belongings.
      Well that lasted one night. He rang and texted me all night and eventually the next morning I answered the phone (stupidly) to tell him to leave me alone. I should have taken the good advice I was given from this forum and the Womens Aid helpline to block his number.
      He talked me into going back and said things were going to change. They did change for about two days and since then things have been awful again.
      I feel annoyed with myself for going back and embarrassed to post again on here, although I have heard that it is quite common to leave many times before leaving for good.
      I feel so low today. Every day I dread going home from work and get anxious and upset just thinking about home. Last night was horrible and I didn’t get any sleep. He sleeps all day so he can keep me awake at night without it impacting upon him.
      I actually went to an appointment with my local DV service but they basically said they couldn’t do anything to help me because I work full time.
      I pretend everything is fine when talking to my family and friends, which is very rarely because my partner does not like me speaking to them.
      He hates my children being there and causes a horrible atmosphere for us all so they end up just hiding away in their bedrooms, and then they are wrong for being in their bedrooms all of the time to avoid him. According to him I have a ‘favourite’ child. He tells me this and the children this constantly whenever I interact with them.
      TMI but we are intimate about once a month, only ever on his terms, which leaves me frustrated and irritable.
      I would like to go away on holiday as, although we have been together a long time, we have never been away. I have not been abroad since I was a child and my children never have. First world problems I know but I just feel like I am wasting my life, and that living is about building memories, of which I don’t have any positive ones. My partner had always been on holidays with girlfriends previous to me, maybe it is a way of him making me feel that I am not good enough, attractive enough or slim enough for him.
      Whenever I start a (normal and calm) conversation about intimacy or holidays he tells me I am ‘battering on’, ‘looking for problems’, or walks away from me into another room and slams the door.
      He is always very calm and collected which frustrates the hell out of me and I get myself all upset and then he smirks at me as if he has done his job.
      He grows poisonous plants which he keeps telling me he will put in my food to make me afraid to eat so that I will lose weight. I don’t believe he will do this and did tell my local DV service about this so if something does happen at least someone will know why.
      I have made a lot of changes. I play a sport which I adore and which really helps. I have got a passport and am going away with my sport and volunteering with work next year, despite his disapproval (the children will stay with their Dad, not with him). I have lost weight although he keeps trying to sabotage this although talks about my weight whenever I eat.

    • #44565
      Lightness
      Participant

      Hello NotCrazy
      Please try calling women’s aid. They will help you.
      You say you left once before to a B&B. It was a very brave move for you to have left and it shows your strength and capability.
      Do you have family/friends that you could stay with so that you can leave permanently? Are you able to open up to someone about the reality of the situation so they can help you?
      Mine was also ‘calm and collected’ – it is horrid to live with these men, and life becomes purely about survival and this kind of abuse is very very damaging.
      I am very concerned that he is threatening you and that you are losing so much weight.
      Please call WA

      Lx

    • #44567
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi notcrazy

      Please don’t blame yourself these abusers know how to work us ..please get in touch with WA .. your health is suffering .. stay strong do not let him.control you stay strong x

    • #44570
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Dear Notcrazy,

      If I can give you a bit of hope, I left my abuser unsuccessfully and once I had fallen back into the relationship after he pursued me relentlessly using various techniques and the abuse began again I thought that there was no way I would be able to find the strength to leave again. Several months passed by and I resigned myself to the fact that I didn’t want to stay but I didn’t feel I had the emotional strength to leave. I was so confused. I thought my life was over really. I was so traumatised by his hot and cold treatment. I felt that although i hated the way he sometimes treated me I loved him so much i couldn’t live a day without him. It made no sense to me and I felt like I was going mad.
      Well one day something clicked, I went to my GP and I got as much help as I could. I started being really honest. I ended the relationship a second time but with the help of others I managed to fight the longing and the feelings I had for the nice man i thought he once was, I went No Contact and took back control of my life. I work full time also. I have blocked his numbers and I am now several months out and the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is starting to clear.
      When the time is right, you will do it and your life will be better. It’s hard but nothing as bad as walking on eggshells, waiting to be killed.
      My first abuser used to drug my drinks so if he is joking about that take care. They are capable of anything.
      Sending you lots of positive thoughts x*x

    • #44574
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Notcrazy,

      don’t beat yourself up about returning, it takes 7 times on average as they are highly skilled manipulators plus who wants to believe their partner is an abuser. You did it once so you can do it again and next time you can block his number. He sounds very abusive with comments about weight etc you don’t have to put up with that and deserve love and respect. The jokes about putting the plants in your food sounds dangerous, my ex abuser used to joke about killing me which I didn’t take seriously as it seemed ridiculous at the time (I was in denial and brainwashed) but then he put his hands around my neck then later denied it so please be careful and create a safety plan.

      Keep posting and keep talking to your local DV support, good on you for finding a sport you love and booking a trip, keep going. 🙂

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