So confused

[Blueshoe]

Hi , I wanted to post as I’m not sure whats going on .I have been having relationship issues for a good while now, this is my first relationship ,been with him a very long time. I hope some one can relate. He can be very loving, caring, affectionate, but at times of stress he becomes inpatient, snaps at me ,is sarcastic, condecending, he shuts me down from giving my options, feeling s, or he shuts of, if I point this out, even in a diplomatic way ,he blames me ,ie I bring conversations round to myself, im just pointing out stuff, he accuses me of not being nice, he gets angry ,says more stuff, he says about my way of talking, the way I sound .He turns things around on me and says I’m doing it, I have chronic health condition s he’s resented me for as its meant he’s had to adjust his lifestyle, but it was it her that or it affects my heath adversely, i told him this so many times, sometimes if I bring it up at other times he appears to care, understand, he tries to make an effort then he goes back to doing same put down s sarcastic comments, he jokes but I know its past digs ,then when I say that, he gives me reasons why its a joke but he also gives me reasons about why he’s said the joke something ive done, but its something he’s said about when he was serious in the past. He makes jokes about my serious feelings. He blames me for all of his actions, although I have got the odd sorry. He claims not to have capacity or he’s stressed why I asked him why he dose it, he says I drive him too it , he expects me to stay calm while he says those mean things ,as he dosent like my reaction, eg if I sound like have expression in my voice or sound angry or distressed. Ive tried shortening time I speak to him as he says I talk to much, ive tried not showing a tone, but I find it hard to sound with no tone or feelings when he’s meaning mean. He has empathy or others but not me if I mention my problems or even just suffering with my health problems, if I mention the symptoms he brings it up later as an annoyance. He gets annoyed if I ask him for help with something or favour sor if I make a mistake. He’s so intolerant, I feel I cant do almost anything without him getting annoyed. Ive done so much to support him through his illness , problems stressed ,he says I’m negative if I react to upsetting events or I feel down . I feel like I’m not allowed to suffer or even just have a bad day he gets annoyed. He mocks me when I stand up or myself, repeats what I say in a nasty way ,Denys taking things out on me, when he’s stressed, or uses past insecurities against me in future arguments. I’m so confused he never used to be like this, though he has being prone to belittle my feelings with sarcasm or make jokes when I’m trying to talk seriously. He has had a temper but he’s very been this bad for so long, i keep thinking he will change as he makes an effort,is nice buys me present s etc but stressful life events happen and he goes back to being mean ,the put downs and resenting me, it dosent seem to matter how hard I try and change .I keep hanging on to hope, I suffer from anxiety depression from this, im scared to leave. He can be intimating, he once screamed in my face, it seems its alright or him to express his health issues not me or his problems not me, ive had no support from others they say things not to let it upset me, but it is upsetting being made to feel belittled over a long time, others think I should end the relationship emicably, he can’t to reasonal or rational anymore, one friend encouraged me to stay. Do you think he can change, hes found to have medical issues that might make him irritable, if that’s treated would he go back to being his old self? I kept thinking it was me for mentioning my problems or showing an emotion in my voice but surely that being human, a normal reaction to him being mean, hes made it clear he doesn’t enjoy my company yet he said he loves me, then it gives me hope then he’s admits he dosent ,can’t stand me most of the time I asked him why he’s with me he said he dosent know.please tell me im allowed to feel down espress feeling show a tone, or talk alot. He dosent sound interested in me sharing my interests, or just talking in general

[Lisa]

Hi Blueshoe,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be with others who understand how you are feeling and what you are experiencing from your partner. Unfortunately it is unlikely he will change, no one should be treated in an abusive way and the only person responsible for the abuse is the abusive person. Try not to doubt yourself, there is support here for you.

You could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Your local support group can also offer ongoing emotional and practical support. You can find details of your local group via this link:

Domestic Abuse Directory

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on, it can really help to offload how you are feeling on here.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Hazydayz]

Hi Blueshoe. I’m sorry to read what your going through. And that you have a chronic health condition that sounds as if it’s affected by stress? Me too! I understand what might be the result of your stress, if it’s like mine. You do sound quite young as well? If you are or not? I guess your mentioning this being your first relationship led me to that conclusion? Welcome to the forum by the way! If your new here? I see that Lisa has replied to you that’s good! She will pop up if concerned about anyone? I have to say…I too am concerned for you. I think you need support dealing with your situation, and I’m wondering…? Do you have family that could help you? Your Anxiety and depression will be worsening no doubt! Because of everything, and this relationship doesn’t sound a good one to be in, particularly! if you have chronic health issues. The anxiety of leaving will be caused by many things I understand, but staying will not improve it or your depression. You know that I think from what you have written, don’t you? You will find a lot of support here if you don’t have any, but at the end of the day you should seek out some professional support such as women’s aid like Lisa pointed out. Your friends won’t really understand, if they haven’t been in a situation like yours and their opinion will only lead you to feel confused maybe? Take care of yourself and stay safe 💞

[Blueshoe]

Hi, thanks for replies, I hope I dont annoy anyone, im so used to explaining why I’m saying things and justifying myself to my partner and my mum and others others for so long, I dont want to sound neg but I’ve come from a bad childhood, ive been bullied on line, and throughout my life , school college, when I stood up for myself at school or college or at home or online or even with so-called friends I got mocked, or told I had an attitude, now I’ve realised I’ve been having this from my partner, do you think he sounds abusive? I thought he was just stressed, I try to be happy funny, caring ,cause thats the kind of person iam, hes said im over sensitive to his mean comment s o believed it, i think I have low self esteem so I doubt myself, I think all ive known is being put down and mistreated most of my life. He says I play the victim, ive tried not to mention symptoms of my condition s , i have severe asthma, allergies, its not something I choose to talk about but it comes up as I have alleric reaction, meds have stopped working, he makes out I talk too much about it but I try not too o ly when I’m mentioning it as I’m suffering or im trying to fix it.i don’t understand why he resents me for it its not my fault. Why dose he get angry and say mean sarcastic put down s and turn things around on me? I’m just setting boundaries for him not to make noises when I talk or even when I’m doing nice things for him or saying nice things ,ive counted amount of times I’ve mentioned heath problems and its not nearly as much as he makes out, he’s now being nice ,he phoned me up concerned for my heath and wellbeing, he has been caring last couple of days, ive tried to give him space, alot I dont have a close relationship with family as I got misteated from them too.whys he now being nice ? Sorry for lots of questions, he dosent like me asking lots of questions, my mum was kind of unstanding but since corona virus she doesn’t want to know. I have had huge trouble understanding whats going on in my relationship, im not that young hive been with him half my life he’s all ive known for so long.

[Hazydayz]

Hello again Blueshoe. I want to say to you your not annoying anyone here. You do sound as if you worry about things because of what’s been said negatively to you no doubt. Yes, I do think your boyfriend is being abusive towards you to answer your question. That’s why I mentioned it not being a good relationship for you. Your health issues are affected by the stress as well as your self esteem as you realise. It’s very difficult if you have been in it for so long to think about walking away I know. Also, the lack of close loving family can make you feel more in need of attachment can’t it. The nice treatment you get from your boyfriend makes it so much more difficult to think of being out of it too. I understand about difficult childhood and so many women here can relate to that as their experience too. That’s also why so many of us find ourselves struggling with issues and in bad relationships that we can’t find the resolve to leave when we know they’re damaging to us. I think you will find lots more women on here who have had similar lives and relationship problems, so your not alone. There’s lots more women who will come along sharing their life stories, and I hope this helps you to feel supported and gives you some answers to your questioning. Keep posting & stay safe💞

[Blueshoe]

Hi, thanks for understanding, he has spoken to his family about me, they have almost all slowly turned on me,he mentioned my mental breakdown, and relationship problems now they have sided with him ,blaming me ,those are several family members , though one was there for me, she said that, she listened and said I could talk ,confine in her, then when she heard his side, she really layed into me,she wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. ,everyone ,work colleagues thinks he’s wonderful, he dosent show those nasty behaviour s to them, he’s all nice charming, empathic always, has loads of patience, he dose anything for them, we are married ,so leaving even harder,sometimes im desperate to leave then I feel terrified , im trying get my self esteem back and learn to trust, thanks so much for understanding.

[Camel]

Hi Blueshoe

Can you confide in your GP? Your partner is very abusive and it’s bound to be making your health condition worse. I agree that working on your self esteem is a good idea but it will be nearly impossible to do without some help. Ask the GP if he can refer you to counselling. You are so beaten down and need proper support. I don’t think you will get this from your family and friends. As you know he is completely charming with them. This is standard behaviour for abusers. Please keep posting and asking questions as you do sound very isolated.

[Author]

Posts