So confused

[Hereforhelp]

I have come so far…. I separated from him, I have stayed away and gone zero contact including kids not seeing him. It has taken so much to get where I am, I never thought I would.
Today I spoke indepth with my solicitor, she’s trained in DA, she asked me lots of questions for my statement which she’s putting in to the judge this week. I had to go back in my mind to my worst memory etc…. this is for non mol and occupational order. I couldn’t do the SA interview, not at the moment as all too much.

I feel so sad, guilty and alone tonight… I want to phone him and say why couldn’t you just be the nice you, the lovely you who cares, I crave that. I am exhausted, shielding my children as much as I can but this is so king hard! Did any of you feel like this after giving your statement? I feel like my mind is all over the place. He has kept away so far (except for one message to each of our teenage children to say that I am acting strange and nit to believe my lies. It is all so ugly, I hate him and want him all at once and it’s a feeling of all consuming anxiety, I don’t know if I can do this to him yet I know what he has done to me/children… I don’t know what’s going on but I want him to lean on and for this all to stop. Solicitor is ringing me tomorrow to finish my statement so I will have to remember more bad memories which are all mixed in with good memories

[Hereforhelp]

I know what he would say if I rang him, as he would hear a weakness/softening, he would swoop in and say ah, my love what are you doing? Let’s stop this and talk, he would take tomorrow off work (as he rarely did that in times of need it would show, in his mind commitment He would then talk about our future (which would be the life I wanted with him yet he neglected and then proceeded to abuse me) and on and on the cycle, I hate it, the pull of that familiar cycle aa somewhere in that cycle is the lovely him, dependable, funny, good dad side and that’s the side which kept me in such a very long, unhappy marriage

[Wants To Help]

Hi hereforhelp,

OMG !! You amazing lady, look how far you have come. You are doing all the right things in order to live a life free from abuse. As hard as this is for you now, living with him for the rest of your life would be even harder. As I often say… end… or endure!

Doing statements in one go if it is over several hours is never easy, you always need a break. It is very stressful and brings up all sorts of emotions, as you are now finding out.

I remember when I got my outcome in court and the result went in my favour. All of my legal team and my DA support worker were cheering, shaking each other’s hands, smiling at me etc. I looked over at my ex who sat there looking sad and defeated and I just felt ’empty’ – that’s the only word I can use to describe it. I thought to myself “How did it ever come to this?” The man that I loved, had a child with, bought a house with, planned a future with. I tried so hard to be the loving and supportive partner and the wonderful mum so we could live the ‘perfect’ life, but it wasn’t enough. So in the end, it came to… ‘this’.

It’s a horrible feeling, but it does go away. Once the proceedings are behind you and life moves on and gets better these horrible feelings do go and you can be happy again.

You know what I love about your post though? Your second post 🙂 You’ve answered yourself exactly what will happen if you give in and call him, that’s how I know you’ve come so far. Well done, keep on track 🙂

xx

[Hereforhelp]

WTHelp, it is that feeling like you described above, how did it come to this, I am dreading courts etc and what you and others share helps so much, not alone feeling helps …. I didn’t contact him, still feeling bad for him but that should pass, I have been fighting the guilty/responsibility feelings for him when these feelings have come up along the way.
Thank you WTH ❤

[Author]

Posts