Viewing 5 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #145746
      Eclipsed
      Participant

      Hi all,

      I need some advice. I have been married many years from a very young age to a man twice my age. We have one almost grownup child. I know abuse isn’t just physical but I feel like when there hasn’t been any violence it blurs the lines in the victims mind of what is actually happening to them.

      My husband pays very little towards our financial responsibilities, despite working full time. My money pays for everything – rent, utilities the lot. He calls himself ‘old fashioned’ in his views, except the ‘old fashioned’ part of the man being the breadwinner of course which he believes until I ask for money for bills! I recently discovered he has been stashing funds away without telling me. He alternates between putting me down – telling me I look old (despite my being half his age) and constantly groping me (which makes me cringe) He’s been a great father to be fair but he will use our child as a weapon, he knows the issues I have in regards to growing up without my dad and that I never wanted that for her so he will threaten to tell her all sorts i.e that I had an affair (not true)

      I also do everything around the house, from getting up at 5am to make his lunch for the day to taking the bins out and mowing the lawn. He’ll come home from work, plonk himself down on the sofa with a beer and expect to be waited on hand and foot even when I have just come off of a very long shift at work. I still have a close relationship with my family but no friends left, he wants me here with him all the time. I haven’t had a night out since I was a teenager. (Detail removed by Moderator).  We sleep separately now, unless he wants sex but I can’t stand being in bed with him so now I am relegated to the sofa while he sleeps in the bed that I paid for.

      His moods are so up and down, he’s a very angry person in general. He’s impossible to have an adult conversation with, everything is turned around. Its my fault or I’m hysterical. I was diagnosed with a mental illness years ago and whilst I have never had too many issues and always take my meds, he’ll tell me how much he has had to ‘put up with’ and I should be grateful. ‘No one else would love you/put up with you’ etc. While I’m not frightened of him physically, he’s never hit me although he has been in my face and using his considerable weight advantage to kind of body check me, I feel like I walk around on eggshells and submit to his mercurial nature to keep the peace. It only hit me how wrong this is when I was picking out clothes to go visit family and immediately put down the cute dress I’d picked up because I’d get the old ‘who are you dressing up for?’ line from him. No one! Can’t a girl just look nice without being accused of all sorts?

      He considers himself a great husband because he’s not out gambling or drinking every night and he doesn’t hit me. He’s lied to me about a lot of things – his age for a start when we first met. I actually didn’t find out how old he actually was until we needed his birth certificate for our marriage licence. Red flags! But I was very young and in love. Now (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s put everything into a new perspective for me.

      I want out, I just don’t know how. I know he’ll use our child and my mental health against me. It’s also concerning that because he has no family, friends or anywhere to go that he may turn violent. Any advice you can give me, even if it’s just to tell me I’m overreacting would be greatly appreciated. I’m new here and here because I’m at my wits end.

    • #145761
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey, I agree with Auriel, can you get hold of Womans Aid locally for support? Also, I recommend the book Living with The Dominater by Pat Craven as what you have written about your husband’s behaviours is written in that book to help you understand and gain more strength (you are already strong with all you endure and have suffered, your husband’s attitude sounds so similar to my ex husband, we have been married for decades).

      You are not overreacting, these men tell us that to keep us quiet and they have more control as we make ourselves smaller (which is when we start to loose who we really are). He will use anything to keep you under his control, do not trust a word he says, if he promises you the earth he is lying. My husband had no friends, family or anywhere to go, it took me 3 attempts but it was worth it (even our teenagers are doing better now since he has gone).

      Believe in yourself, read up on the FOG cycle (fear, obligation Guilt), once i started to come out of the FOG stage I started to feel stronger.

      Keep posting ❤️

    • #145763
      Eclipsed
      Participant

      Thanks so much for your replies ladies. It’s helpful to even have it confirmed for me that I’m not crazy like he will make out I am.

      Your advice is encouraging and much appreciated. I will definitely check out that book ❤️

    • #145816
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Hello and welcome, I agree with the others you’re not overreacting. I had that old fashioned ‘I’m the man’ routine yet I paid all the bills. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ a great help an eye opener, they do so much more than we actually recognise initially, especially with the kids. Reading posts on here too helped me see all the behaviours they display and how similar abusers are. It’s a journey to get out but you’re in a great place to find support x

      • #145856
        Eclipsed
        Participant

        Thanks Bananaboat. I will check the book out. I’ve been reading through some other posts and it’s helped me to feel significantly less alone. I could be reading about my own life mirrored in a lot of posts. Thank you for taking the time to reply xx

    • #145857
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Oh sweetie yep and yep have that here too the nasty words the disgust the put downs tbe accisations constant nastyness its exhausting isnt it. You most certainly are not over reacting and as hard as it is to accept your husband is abusive sweetie and you do not deserve this.
      They will try every trick in the book to keep you to hold you close you have to aem yourself with knowledge read and leaen as much as you can. Write down the bad somewhere safe it will remind you on his good days what he is capable of. Learn to trust yourself and dont do this alone.
      Reach out on here but also outside this life is lonley and sad but there is help out there if you are strong enough to ask. Be strong be brave. Be safe xx

      • #145878
        Eclipsed
        Participant

        nBumblebee, thank you for your reply lovely. I’m so sorry you are going through the same nastiness, I hope you are as well as can be expected. It’s just so tiring. That’s great advice about writing stuff down, I often find myself questioning it all when he’s being nice to me so it will act as a reminder and fortify my will to leave. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Stay safe xx

    • #145881
      Mellow
      Participant

      Very relatable the mowering lawn saying you don’t get anyone else you can’t look nice for yourself always another motive I would like to say I’ve convinced my abuser to leave but I have a feeling he was planning to anyway and didn’t hide it I have children too.even if he dosent go make a getaway the nicest blues what’s happening I’ve had it all Ive been in relationship years I’m supposed to do everything and for years I was paying the bills

Viewing 5 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content