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    • #90303
      Hetty
      Participant

      Sat at work struggling to concentrate.
      I’ve made local housing application through WA one week ago.
      I’ve been talking with a close friend and she thinks I should move out ASAP and get private rented near to where she lives so she and my other close friend can support me. It would mean a daily commute to and from school and my work. I do prefer the idea to be completely out of the area I am now from a safety perspective but the thought of living in private rented with instability and expensive rent is also scaring me.
      My husband won’t leave the home. He said (detail removed by moderator) he wants to leave and asked could I pay the bills myself. When I said he could he then started making unreasonable financial demands and calling me names via messages.
      I just don’t know which way to turn and with a child in tow it’s hard to think through what is best for him.

       

    • #90304
      KIP.
      Participant

      Keep those messages and if any are threatening use them to get a non molestation order or an occupation order to get him removed from the marital home. They are liars. He will throw comments out there and wait for your response to see how he fits into things, you need to make a decision and stick to it. Don’t involve him. Be guided by women’s aid. Now he knows you want to end the relationship his behaviour will go off the scale. It’s at this point I involved the police and my ex was arrested and removed from the family home. Giving me time to get the divorce underway x

    • #90306
      KIP.
      Participant

      You won’t be able to concentrate on much as your headspace will be taken up by the danger your brain perceives. It’s hard to do much else when dealing with an abuser. Until you’re safely away x

    • #90329
      Hetty
      Participant

      Thanks for your replies. He’s now on major charm offensive. Offering help. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I wish I didn’t love him

    • #90330
      KIP.
      Participant

      Love bombing. Loving him won’t stop his abuse x save yourself x

    • #90331
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’ve been reading my journal I started to keep things in perspective and see the niceness for what it is. It’s so painful to make the break. I have to prioritise my child but I know this is going to hurt him too.

    • #90333
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s a short term pain for a long term gain. The longer you stay with an abuser, the longer it will take to recover. I know how much you want to be wrong. For it all to be a big mistake, for him to hold you and make it all okay again. That man doesn’t exist. It’s a mask he wears to control you. To keep you hooked into his dysfunction and abuse. Children are very resilient. Your child needs an happy healthy mum x happy mum happy kids x

    • #90337
      Hetty
      Participant

      I know you’re right. I’ve chosen not to listen to my gut instincts from day one and now here I am years down the line wishing I’d never met him. X

    • #117493
      Hetty
      Participant

      So here I am a year later. I got out. Those things that were scaring me paled into insignificance. My child is happy and settled even though he’s been uprooted. He said all he needs is me, our pet and the internet! He’d had enough too. We are living in less than ideal accommodation currently but it’s safe, cosy and peaceful. I can breath again. I stressed about commute to work and all manner of other issues that have been easily resolved. I’m writing this to give hope to those out there still stuck. It took me so long to get to this point and I’m still untangling myself from my abusive ex partner, I’m not out of the woods yet but I’m getting my life back and it feels so good.

    • #117596
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi – I’m in almost exactly the same place – friends know, they tell me I should get out ASAP, I’m in the process of arranging to see a solicitor.

      He’s figured put something is up and is actually being pleasant and offering help with all manner of things. Charm offensive is right.

      And you said it – it’s an offensive, another tactic in a long line of tactics to get us to do as they want. And after he sees it’s not working that’s that.

      Stay strong. Stay with your gut. Look to the future xx

    • #117615
      Hetty
      Participant

      Don’t give up sande. Keep moving forward with your plans. Every small step is one step closer to freedom. I feel like I’ve been prising the devil from my back. Locking my front door in a calm and peaceful house is worth all of the posh furniture and other material things I’ve left behind. He’s quite shocked that I’ve walked away so easily and I can honestly say I haven’t shed a tear since leaving. I used to cry nearly every other day living in that house with him x

    • #117625
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’m so happy to read your post Hetty. You made my day 💕how sweet of your child and how much wisdom is that from a child? Wonderful x Onwards and upwards x

      • #117725
        Hetty
        Participant

        The support on this website has been phenomenal and got me through very dark times ❤️

    • #117655
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Well done Hetty!! Welcome to the other side, freedom this way 🤗👍😄 hope you’ve celebrated your amazing milestone 😘

    • #117684
      Nowheretoturn20
      Participant

      Omg! I just want to be as brave!
      I am in such this situation!
      I’ve got support through a womens aid and hoping to escape as im in a personally emotional abusive relationship….to an extent it’s classed as coercive control, financial and just emotional so many levels 😔 it’s so hard as I want to post!
      My situation is he uses my old alcohol abuse against me! Nothings happened in years and my daughter is (detail removed by moderator)! Any help? Social services are only just getting an insight ( due to a drunken fall by me without the children- they were at my mums!…can’t tell them my injuries are from him! 😩 )
      he just keeps saying he will take them away from me as he will tell them I’m pathetic and useless parent! Xx

      • #117724
        Hetty
        Participant

        They will use any means to keep control. They are liars. I got threats about money and after big fights that I was the abusive one. Mine used my past too in terms of personal things he knew about me – often to make himself look good like “look what I’ve done for you when your family let you down”. They’re hooks to keep us stuck in the cycle of abuse. This man is using your children as a tool to manipulate you and keep you from leaving.
        It took me a very long time to mentally prepare and I grieved for a long time while I was still in the relationship. The truth is that these men keep us from seeing our value and worth. They project all of their feelings of worthlessness onto us. They suck out our life force in a constant state of drama.
        I’m glad to hear you have support from women’s aid. It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction. Save yourself x

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